But you've got vomit on your cock

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Jan 1, 2012.

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  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    New year at castle Porridge.

    Had a few friends and family round and this year, possibly the first in a few, the time flew by and instead of counting the minutes to midnight, knowing we could get rid of people we nearly missed the entire event by the flowing of convo, good laughs and general good atmosphere.

    To see my old dears face light up like a Christmas tree, I bought her a butt plug. To say she was humiliated was an understatement, add to her disappointment in her first born when she saw him and his pal from Army days spooning down vomit.

    Anyway, the evening went on until gone four, when Auntie Stella decides its time to open a bottle of port.

    Already cunted beyond belief, I'd forgotten why I don't drink the stuff, its evil and turns your stomach into a completely hostile environment.

    That brummie cunt only had one small glass, so like a penis I ended up doing to rest of the bottle, before deciding the bo bo fairies and sprinkled night night powder in my orbs and bed was calling. After laying there for a moment, room spinning, a sensation tore through my ringpiece and I got a micro seconds warning that if I didn't get my wankered frame to the trumping pot I'd be cleaning shit off the walls until easter. As I sat, with equal notice my stomach along side my arsehole decided it would empty itself in explosive fashion. No dramas, I was already in the bathroom and its not the first time I've shit and barfed at the same time.

    I was that slaughtered, I missed the sink completely and managed to cover everything else, including my own feet, legs and even managing to get a bit on top of my head.

    Ten thirty this morning arrives, and a frosty faced Mrs brings up a coffee, and gives me a look that made me wonder if I'd fisted her mum. 'Have you seen that bathroom you horrid arsehole'

    I tried to deny it, and blamed everybody. She pulled back the covers to labour the point, stuck to me like miniature limpet mines were bigger, more solid lumps of crusty vomit, that had dried beautifully in the night.

    Being an opportunist, I used this to investigate whether she was aroused and asked her if there was the possibility of a nosh.

    He face contorted like she'd just licked a frogs back, looked me from tip of toe to head and said 'You've even got vomit on your cock' This kind of confirmed she wasn't going to give it a new years lick.

    I took an hour to clean up and I hurled three more times, the smell it released as I broke the dried film that had set over the top.

    It did have a useful outcome, we now know that Port / maroon isn't the colour we should decorate the bathroom. Three o clock this afternoon my hoop became itchy and uncomfortable. Upon investigation, after emptying my sockets from both ends I'd forgotten to wipe. Further evidenced by a big skid stain on the bed. Thankfully the Mrs hasn't seen that and I've stripped the bed like a good boy, otherwise I think she'd fuck off to her mums for a week or two.

    Has anyone else ever thrown up over their own penis?
     
    • Like Like x 12
  2. After reading that I'm thinking about it...
    Quite interested in the butt plug though, can you get them from Amazon?
     
  3. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

  4. I already have a butt in mind. It's the plug I need. Or are you saying I have a big arse? ;-)
     
  5. Makes you proud to be British
     
  6. I've puked over someone elses cock-! Does that count? In my defence I couldn't have known how hurty and burny sweet and sour pork would be! And the rice under the hood was interesting too!
     
    • Like Like x 1

  7. Classy. :)
     
  8. I've vomited in places where I dint know there were places. Most notable time was when I projectile vomited in my sleep over my bunk mate in Iserlohn, a bloke known as Fred T*****. As I awoke from a drunken slumber one Sunday morning, it was to Freds hoarse cries of "Help me I've gone blind". It was my puke across his face that had glued his eyelids together.

    I couldn't deny it was me wot dun it. There was clear evidence in the shape of a line of puke from my side of the room go his. He moved rooms that same day.

    I also got a bit carried away whilst examining a birds throat with my penile probe one fine evening in Belize. She rewarded my forthright approach with a stomach full of rice n peas, delivered at full vomit speed, which partially covered my midriff and tackle.

    No I have never vomited on my own cock though.

    Hope this helps.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Like this?

    chunder1.jpg
     
  10. You Banana benders are f*ckin uncouth, not like us refined NT blokes.

    Put me off me f*ckin steak and eggs!
     
  11. As a teenager I went to a schoolmate's party where he drank himself into a stupor on Bulgarian Bull's Blood/Special Brew and went to the bog where from behind locked door we heard mighty chundering. Worried that he would do a Bon Scott his older brother forced the lock only to wake the lad up. He rose like an automaton and raised his puke filled briefs, then his jeans and sauntered of to bed. I didn't stick around to check out the level of retained crust.
     
  12. You know you love the vomit...
     
  13. Shit yea! Exactly what I need with me brecky and the after-taste of last night's beer and curry!
     
  14. Mmmm curry.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Ref the but plug you bought your old dear.
    I have not vomited over my own penis (that I can remember). However the lads had a whip round and bought one of our "friends" a cock pump after he told us that his family tradition was to open their Christmas presents in front of each other one at a time each taking turns whilst the others watched. The box was awesome bright red with a buff american dude on it with his huge cock in this vacuum pump, The pump was called Peter's Pump which was quite apt as his name was indeed Peter.


    He has never discussed what actually happened he just gives us a look of contempt whenever we ask about it.
     

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