...but you all knew this

#1
Army Rank Structure
________________________________________
General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least 3 days in advance.

Major
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Doggy paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognises trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition, but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in mud puddles.
Stutters.

Officer Cadet
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely
supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major
Catches hypersonic APFSD sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walks under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
IS God.
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#2
Are people just dragging up any old shit!
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#4
I believe the archers at the battle of Agincourt had this poster printed off and laminated in their mess toilet. Obviously some of the ranks were slightly different but the wording was essentially the same.
 
#5
I believe the archers at the battle of Agincourt had this poster printed off and laminated in their mess toilet. Obviously some of the ranks were slightly different but the wording was essentially the same.
Must have been impressive Longbow's to fire off hypersonic APFSD sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrator's
No wonder England won!
 
#11
Thanks Goatrutar.

That advice has probably saved me a lot of time and effort.

I'll put the bag of chocolate limes back in the sideboard for Hallowe'en.
 
#12
QM's Dept Wallah

Slower than a dead slug
Only slightly more powerful than a Thomas the Tank Engine
Is able to leap into any NAAFI que for a pie
Can be seen outside any building having a fag
Has the power to close the clothing store when you need something
Often prays to God that he doesn't have a heart attack whilst having a shit
 
#13
QM's Dept Wallah

Slower than a dead slug
Only slightly more powerful than a Thomas the Tank Engine
Is able to leap into any NAAFI que for a pie
Can be seen outside any building having a fag
Has the power to close the clothing store when you need something
Often prays to God that he doesn't have a heart attack whilst having a shit
You see that, that's me that is.
 
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