Army Rank Structure ________________________________________ General Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Walks on water. Lunches with God, but must pick up tab. Colonel Almost as fast as a speeding bullet. More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline. Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks to God. Lieutenant-Colonel Faster than an energetically thrown rock. Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet. Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds. Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present. May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least 3 days in advance. Major Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy. Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical. Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing. Captain Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self. Is run over by trains. Barely clears outhouse. Doggy paddles. Mumbles to self. Lieutenant Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised. Recognises trains two out of three times. Runs into tall buildings. Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings. Talks to walls. 2nd Lieutenant Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition, but never both. Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves. Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings. Plays in mud puddles. Stutters. Officer Cadet Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out. Says: "Look at choo choo!" Not allowed inside buildings of any size. Makes good boat anchor. Mere existence makes God shudder. Sergeant-Major Catches hypersonic APFSD sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them. Kicks bullet trains off their tracks. Uproots tall buildings and walks under them. Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture. IS God.