...but you all knew this

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by jezzerc, Oct 14, 2011.

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  1. Army Rank Structure
    ________________________________________
    General
    Faster than a speeding bullet.
    More powerful than a locomotive.
    Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
    Walks on water.
    Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

    Colonel
    Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
    More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
    Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
    Walks on water if sea is calm.
    Talks to God.

    Lieutenant-Colonel
    Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
    Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
    Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
    Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
    May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least 3 days in advance.

    Major
    Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
    Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
    Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
    Swims well.
    Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

    Captain
    Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
    Is run over by trains.
    Barely clears outhouse.
    Doggy paddles.
    Mumbles to self.

    Lieutenant
    Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
    Recognises trains two out of three times.
    Runs into tall buildings.
    Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
    Talks to walls.

    2nd Lieutenant
    Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition, but never both.
    Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
    Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
    Plays in mud puddles.
    Stutters.

    Officer Cadet
    Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely
    supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
    Says: "Look at choo choo!"
    Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
    Makes good boat anchor.
    Mere existence makes God shudder.

    Sergeant-Major
    Catches hypersonic APFSD sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
    Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
    Uproots tall buildings and walks under them.
    Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
    IS God.
     
  2. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Are people just dragging up any old shit!
     
    • Like Like x 2
  3. I should say so
     
  4. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I believe the archers at the battle of Agincourt had this poster printed off and laminated in their mess toilet. Obviously some of the ranks were slightly different but the wording was essentially the same.
     
  5. Must have been impressive Longbow's to fire off hypersonic APFSD sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrator's
    No wonder England won!
     
  6. Apologies didnt realise this was an oldie
     
  7. You're a cadet, aren't you?
     
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Seriously?!
     
  9. Actually, earlier versions have been identified as cave art.
     
  10. Are you grooming him?

    Just remember werthers originals are just not good enough anymore. You won't get him in the van without one of those playstation thingies...
     
  11. Thanks Goatrutar.

    That advice has probably saved me a lot of time and effort.

    I'll put the bag of chocolate limes back in the sideboard for Hallowe'en.
     
  12. QM's Dept Wallah

    Slower than a dead slug
    Only slightly more powerful than a Thomas the Tank Engine
    Is able to leap into any NAAFI que for a pie
    Can be seen outside any building having a fag
    Has the power to close the clothing store when you need something
    Often prays to God that he doesn't have a heart attack whilst having a shit
     
  13. You see that, that's me that is.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  14. Fuck me, this is older than me.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Fixed that for you!
     
    • Like Like x 1