Bum Biscuits

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Spank-it, Mar 10, 2009.

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  1. Why don't Women don't fart like men do, why don't they burst out laughing after hearing a kracker rip through the keks, do they ever let an air biscuit go in a lift full of other people, and if they did would they start to giggle like demented four year olds after exiting the stinking odour infested lift. ?

    Well I know why - it's because they don't do them !

    Or so I thought......until last night.......

    I was in the local last night with a bunch of friends, the lads were stood up at the bar, talking about the usual intelligent stuff that we men discuss,(every fcukin night) such as which waitress has the best arrse, norks, legs, lips etc, etc, - the women were sitting/standing "over there" talking about their next knitting pattern - but that's just a guess, for all we know they could have been discussing the latest in stem cell nanotechnology, but I seriously doubt it.

    Anyhoo, at one point a malodorous, obnoxious, putrefying stench came wading into our nostrils. The bar cleared in spectacular fashion, grown men pushed women and children aside to reach the exit, the bartender, thinking the nuclear plant had blown dialed 999, a chicken fired out the back kitchen door with a capon. (hey - it was cold outside).

    I was about to scream "gas, gas, gas" until my training kicked in and I yelled "242..mumble.32 .... Spank-it, Sah !!" instead, and sped out the door. I didn't really do that.

    Amidst yells, of, "who the....", "what the....", "holy fcukin.....", the women immediately cast aspersions our way, finger pointing most noticeably in my direction. cheesy grin on my face withstanding - I declared my innocence, - to be honest I would have been proud of the fcuker and gladly held my hand up, as would the other guys. No one owned up or dared to. It was a 'who dunnit" of epic proportions, until someone finally thought of checking the security camcorder..........................
    here it is in all it's glory......

    18 years of marriage and I have never heard my wife, fart, trump, loose an air biscuit, blast, drop, cut, drift, muffle, or rip one, blow a backdoor trumpet. drop a booty bomb, drop a silent depth charge not even so much as a toot - but she is clearly able to clear out a tavern. - I've never been so proud of the munchkin. :oops:

    Surely the missus is not the only one......... is she ?????
  2. You havent met Mrs Bogtejebo. Makes me spine shivver every trime she lets one slap out.
  3. Mrs.M trumps out a fanfare so much, I sometimes think the Queen is about to enter the room.
    Probably due to her being a veggie & have a stomach like a compost heap, with all the digested veg in it.

    Although God forbid I ever drop my guts in her presence.
    You'd think I'd shat in a babys cot, with the baby still in it, by the looks she gives me.

    On the subject of gas, does anyone else ever get the farts after having a Mcshite burger?
    Within 5-10 mins of eating one, I'm letting off gas like a Nazi shower attendent.
  4. I work with a lass, rather posh I must say, who lets rip on every possible occasion, liffts the leg the whole nine yards. She'd put a naafi animal to shame, great gal though.
  5. Garlic makes me fart in a big way so I can't get enough of it. That way the people around me have to suffer with my honking breath and my stinking arrse.
  6. Mine frau lifts her leg to let rip and everything, she even cupcaked me once - we're so much in love!

    She's even said cnut on a few occasions - gives me wood.