Torture and Rendition locations in the UK (All of them in the Cabinets constituencies)
A list of MP's under investigation for Child Porn activities
The real colour of the boatshed
49 Para Mortar consumption
Andy McNabs real name G**d*n B*o*n
Do a two-page spiel on how shoite the tabloids are, with some semi-fictitious "report" on the views of Joe Squaddie regarding coverage of "our boys". Mention how detrimental Piers Morgan and his like are to the morale of the troops and the national security situation, with a "recommendation" that action is taken to remove such offenders (hinting at something terminal). Balance it out with the mention of boobs and the fact that tabloids are printed on nice, soft paper which comes in useful in the absence of Andrex. Basically, just big up a load of generic ARRSE views on the subject into something that looks both official, important and controversial.
When you're done, give it some really basic encryption - something they can break, but that makes them feel like they've achieved something - and crack on. When it gets to Sun HQ they'll sh*t bricks and do a nice article on how Hutton is planning to assassinate Rupert Murdoch. That, or they'll start using softer paper and printing more pictures of chebs to try and appease everyone.