British military reactions to snakes

Right im not sure if this has been posted before on this site but it amused me somewhat - British Forces Military Reactions to Snake Threat

Tracks snake through jungle.
Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

Parachute Regiment
Lands on and kills snake.

Armoured Division
Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

Royal Marine Commando
Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.

Has Global Positioning Satellite co-ordinates to snake.
Can't find snake.
Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Combat Engineer
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using
counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pay no attention.
Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage.
Misses snake.
Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it.
Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

Special Forces
Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind.
Trains snake to kill other snakes.
Files massive expenses claim. Writes best seller "Python Two Zero".

British Army.
Digs trenches in front of snake.
Generals order troops over the top.
Troops refuse and are shot for treason!

Army Medical Services
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.

Royal Navy
Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed.
Makes presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

Royal Navy 2
Sailor in uniform but on shore leave approaches snake while carrying can of beer.
Unzips fly and pees on snake at same time as opening new can of beer.
Snake bites sailor "where it hurts".
Sailor doesn't notice and, operating on autopilot, returns to ship reporting no sightings of snakes.
Is told to zip up fly.

Territorial Army
Kills snake by accident on weekend camp.
Keeps quiet about it.

See snake whilst trekking through jungle.
Mass hysteria, climbing up trees.
Snake dies of fright.
Boys sent in to rescue girls from trees.

Royal Air Force
Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake.
Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment.
Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake.
Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home.
Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

Intelligence Corps
Snake? What snake?
Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active.
Assesses potential for snake activity as low.
Dies of snake-bite.

Defence Logistic Organisation
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level.
Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing.
Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group.
Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002.
Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas told not know what talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chefs and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions.
Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy.
Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

Major British Defence Contractor
Identifies potential market for snake detection and 'defence' system.
Develops system using Government Funding.
Government gives system to the US.

Adjutant General
Determines that snake is not black, female, homosexual, disabled.
Loses interest.
cdt_l/cpl said:
Royal Marine Commando
Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.
Should read:

Doesn't see snake,
Snake sneaks up on them,
Hand weapons over to snake (+ipod's)
Appear on Snake TV saying sorry in nice new Snake suits,
Return home and sell whinging story to the Sun.

Similar threads

Latest Threads