British humour

Back in 1989 I was sent for a couple of weeks to my then bank employer's Frankfurt office. Typical monoglot Brit, I turned up on my first day with a German phrase book and some half forgotten vocab from school, but was pleased to find all the senior bods I dealt with spoke fluent English. I mentioned this to the German boss over lunch how impressed I was.
"Zat, Herr Dombo Dreiundsechzig, iss because you won ze var; if we had won ze var, I assure you, you vood speak very good Cherman.
You spelt mongoloid wrong.
 

Arte_et_Marte

ADC
Moderator
I may have mentioned before that I was once bobbing up and down in a dinghy next to a ditched helicopter about thirty miles east on the Orkney Islands - don’t ask...

Anyhoo, just before we ditched we called up a passing tanker and they said they’d stop and come back for us. It took about forty minutes for the ship to stop and turn around and they then sent a small boat over to us. As they pulled up and shut down the noisy engine my co-pilot called out.

“Hello? Can we help you?
Just had a quick look at the report.

Terrific job old boy.
 
Frankie Boyle joke:

Scottish diplomacy is saying "You're a ****"

"But that's alright, I like cnuts"
you need to be careful who you call a cunt. if he's a good cunt then you can call the cunt a cunt as much as you like, but if you just cut about calling cunts cunt some cunt is going to give it "dont you come the cunt with me!" and deck you.

you cunt
 
 
The ability to call someone a cūnt but in a nice way.
In the forces it's often just a term of endearment. Most civvies can get a tad miffed.
 
“Romans, they go the house.”
MP - LoB.

Haven’t got the wherewithal currently to link to the clip.
 
Week before last I went for a job interview, It was a bit of a pain in the rump as I had to travel down to that there London Town for it. The first part of the interview went well, it was a practical assessment and they were happy with me, the feedback was good.

The second part of the interview was quite formal and in front of a board of three different people, clearly of a quite senior level. I faced a number of competency questions, questions on my skills, experience and qualifications and I referenced some of my answers to my navy service, as they were quite relevant.

Because I made reference to my time in the mob, as well as that information already being on my job application form, one of the interviewers revealed that he was once a WAFU (a member of the Fleet Air Arm). I asked him when he had joined and it happened to be the same year as me. I joined in the Feb, when did he join? "November" came the reply. Before I could stop myself, it was like a brief moment of Tourette's, I found myself spitting out the single word comment, "SPROG".

Oops.
 
As a half boxhead I think that is funny.

I have met a few Ossie's and they seem divided between super anally retentive serious types and pretty laid back dudes.

In the Bundeswehr the officers have to pass an english language course because of all the NATO stuff they get involved in outside Germany nowadays.
I wish somebody had told the German officers I was working (well...STABing) with for the last two weeks. Plenty don’t.
 
Back in 1989 I was sent for a couple of weeks to my then bank employer's Frankfurt office. Typical monoglot Brit, I turned up on my first day with a German phrase book and some half forgotten vocab from school, but was pleased to find all the senior bods I dealt with spoke fluent English. I mentioned this to the German boss over lunch how impressed I was.
"Zat, Herr Dombo Dreiundsechzig, iss because you won ze var; if we had won ze var, I assure you, you vood speak very good Cherman.
Nope. He obviously doesn’t know Brits well. 75 years later we’d still be shouting “NO, SORRY, I DON’T UNDERSTAND. TWO OF THOSE...I WANT TWO OF THOSE!” while pointing at some item in a shop.
 
Many many years ago on a joint services alpine meet in Switzerland, some korean tourists staying on a nearby campsite visited the local bar frequented by those on the meet, had a disagreement with the landlord and went a bit stabby.

In the ensuing fracas, whilst trying to stop the landlord and his son getting killed, a booty ended up getting a serious wound to the chest. Swiss cops eventually turned up, nicked the nutters and injured royal was whisked off to hospital with the others.

Subsequently, the hospital staff were slightly shocked at the insensitivity of all his "pals" giving him get well presents of swiss army knives and ribbing him for doing anything to get out of a scary alpine route.

Swiss local papers were full of praise, though the British consul later admitted that nothing was ever likely to be in the UK press "as none of you lot had started it"
 
Nope. He obviously doesn’t know Brits well. 75 years later we’d still be shouting “NO, SORRY, I DON’T UNDERSTAND. TWO OF THOSE...I WANT TWO OF THOSE!” while pointing at some item in a shop.
Nah, dey haff veys ov meking yu tok.

(Pretty gruesome, actually).
 
my warped humour has well rubbed off with Doris
She was a work the day Jill Dando was murdered, it was the talk in the kitchen/ tea room

She asked what was up? "Jill Dando has been shot dead on her doorstep"

Quick as a flash "someone was pissed off with their holiday then!"

She still has it in Lanzarote in December , we'd gone into a Chinese gift/tat shop to get a cheapo charger as I'd forgot to pack any

walked down the road a bit , went into another shop , just to compare prices
Sales assistant "what are you looking for ?"
"Just comparing prices, we just bought a charger"
"You get it from Chinese shop up road? , they sell Chinese junk , it no last!"

"You're selling Huawei chargers ... they're Chinese?"
 
I wish somebody had told the German officers I was working (well...STABing) with for the last two weeks. Plenty don’t.
Happened in about the last 10 years, if they do not pass the english language course it can affect their promotion nowadays. I knew a couple of Captains and a LtCol (div comd) who had to attend, the LtCol told me about the requirement. I will say though that the ability between different blokes is variable, but they should all be at colloquial level.
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
“Romans, they go the house.”
MP - LoB.

Haven’t got the wherewithal currently to link to the clip.
Had to change machine because phone wouldn't let me copy the YouTube location without the Google search wrap.

 
Many many years ago on a joint services alpine meet in Switzerland, some korean tourists staying on a nearby campsite visited the local bar frequented by those on the meet, had a disagreement with the landlord and went a bit stabby.

In the ensuing fracas, whilst trying to stop the landlord and his son getting killed, a booty ended up getting a serious wound to the chest. Swiss cops eventually turned up, nicked the nutters and injured royal was whisked off to hospital with the others.

Subsequently, the hospital staff were slightly shocked at the insensitivity of all his "pals" giving him get well presents of swiss army knives and ribbing him for doing anything to get out of a scary alpine route.

Swiss local papers were full of praise, though the British consul later admitted that nothing was ever likely to be in the UK press "as none of you lot had started it"
Military humour works well with Swiss blokes, the vast majority of whom have been through basic training and must complete a requisite number of weeks per annum doing military service.
Not funny, as such, but indicative ...
In my early days as a guide at our local museum, a male visitor in a group asked a question: I didn’t have a clue how to answer.
In French I replied with the standard ‘Good question. Well formulated ...’ and, in unison, every chap in the room chorused with the French for ‘Sit, rest, rejoin the class’.
 
You need to work on your accent you'll never pass as a local.
Seriously, why would I want to pass myself off as someone from a nation that thought of itself as the "Master Race"?
 

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