Thank you for calling the British Army. I am sorry but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country of origin, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number to call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Northern Ireland, The Firemen, Iraq 2, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and equal opportunities training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines. If your problem is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by a few low risk low level bombing runs, press # for the Royal Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 16:30 or at weekends. If your enquiry concerns a situation that can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flag waving and a really good marching band, please write WELL in advance to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, London. If your enquiry is not urgent. Press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps. If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, train to be a fire-fighter, execute regime changes in hot places, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and be prepared to work your arse off daily with leave being cancelled at short notice, whilst watching the treasury erode your original conditions of service and career your call will be connected to a bitter, passed-over recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop out of town. Thank you for calling the British Army!