British Army's answering machine

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by Corporal, Sep 17, 2004.

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  1. “Thank you for calling the British Army. I am sorry but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country of origin, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number to call you.”

    “As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Northern Ireland, The Firemen, Iraq 2, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and equal opportunities training, we will return your call.”

    “Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following.”

    “If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.”

    “If your problem is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by a few low risk – low level bombing runs, press # for the Royal Air Force. – Please note this service is not available after 16:30 or at weekends.”

    “If your enquiry concerns a situation that can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flag waving and a really good marching band, please write WELL in advance to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, London.”

    “If your enquiry is not urgent. Press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.”

    “If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, train to be a fire-fighter, execute regime changes in hot places, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and be prepared to work your arse off daily with leave being cancelled at short notice, whilst watching the treasury erode your original conditions of service and career – your call will be connected to a bitter, passed-over recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop out of town.”

    “Thank you for calling the British Army!”
     
  2. HMM have i seen that somewhere before? :wink:

    US Army telephone answering machine.

    We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.

    Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

    If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

    If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.

    If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

    If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified

    If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.

    Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army!
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