Apologies if this has been done before, BRITISH ARMY OFFICERS - YOU KNOW YOU'RE INSTITUTIONALISED WHEN... You think that a check shirt (tucked in), chinos and brown shoes (and may be a v-neck sweater) looks 'casual' on someone under the age of 40.... You wouldn't dream of buying a shirt with either a breast pocket or button cuffs.... You feel slightly guilty when you are at home and you see news footage from places you once were but are no longer. You use target indication to point out fit chicks... You use the term 'chicks ' You insist on dancing like a tit, Ricky Gervais/Alan Partirdge style, whilst your civvie mates insist on trying to dance 'properly'. You don't understand why your civvie mates won't go out on the piss mid-week, because apparently where they work it's 'not the done thing' to turn up sh*t-faced at midday.... Your civvie mates don't understand any of the terminology you use such as 'no dramas', 'squared away', 'take a knee' etc.... You can't help saying "Roger", "Say again" and other snappy bits of voice procedure when talking to civilians who think you are probably a bit mad.... you quite like it that they think you are a bit mad. You use acronyms thinking your civvie mates will understand what you are talking about You don't have any civvie mates.... Your Facebook profile photo is one of you on TELIC or HERRICK in CS95 and ECBA, with an SA80, as if that makes you 'cool' and everyone else in the army hasn't been to Iraq/Afghanistan/Camberley anyway... You cringe, and mutter under your breath 'haircut', when you see men with long hair. You walk at a ridiculous pace and are physically incapable of walking at the shopping pace of your girlfriend. You refer to personal organisation as "admin" Your girlfriend is stored in your mobile phone address book as '0A' You use patrol hand signals in a night club if people can't hear you The idea of training shoes as leisure wear is anathema to you. You wouldn't dream of polishing a pair of shoes or boots with just one brush. There have to be a separate 'on' and 'off' brushes.... You always use the 24 hour clock.... You have flashbacks of being wet, cold and miserable whenever you see a Yorkie.... You think nothing of perjuring yourself by lying in court that 'Soldier X is a great bloke with a promising career' despite the fact that he's as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.... Nothing soldiers do shocks you any more.... You can't watch programmes such as 'Ultimate Force' without giving a running commentary along the lines of "He didn't forward assist" or "Look at the state of Ross Kemp's webbing".... People in prison have more contact with women than you do.... Whenever you spell something out you use the phonetic alphabet.... You wouldn't dream of using Kiwi liquid polish.... You don't trust your mum/wife/girlfriend/any woman to iron your kit because deep down you think that your ironing is better.... You own a 'Sports jacket' made of the hi-tech wicking, breathable, waterproof fabric known as tweed.... You point using your whole hand in a karate chop motion.... You find that the conversation somehow always comes back round to you, because you're more interesting than most topics of conversation.... You think not shaving is a treat.... You feel guilty if you ever forget to shave on a weekend. You get really irritated when people you don't know call you 'mate'.... You may find yourself getting bored if there are not at least 10 other single semi alcoholic 20-somethings living in the same building as you, eating in suits Ã la the 1950's and driving several hours every Friday night to see people who used to be their friends, yet who no longer seem to be able to relate to them and are now referred to as 'f###ng civvies'. The mere mention of Sandhurst sends you into a two hour conversation on how the log race was longer in your day, you didn't have duvets in juniors and how someone you know in your intake died during phys You have lengthy conversations about your favourite ORP meal, You can read a Silvermans catelogue from cover to cover and refer to everything that is useful as a 'gucci bit of kit You refer to smoke as 'a double edged sword'. You spend hours wondering where in civvie street you can get an equal disposable income and at least 6 weeks holiday a year, by completing an inversely proportionally tiny amount of tangible work You don't think it's strange to have coat hangers with your name on. Whilst mothers think you are marvellous because you show up on time, bring a gift and write prompt thank you letters, their daughters are less charmed by your stinky chat consisting of strings of acronyms and jargon, your entire wardrobe coming from M&S and your Neolithic pulling techniques. Your blood boils when you see civvies wearing DPM . Going out on Thursday "international army night out" wherever it may be, or whichever course one is on, involves forming the ring-of-steel, talking about ourselves and the army and aggressively staring at girls; who if they don't immediately come over are obviously lesbians. Should any man dare break this ritual, and despite talking to the prettiest of girls - as we would like to do, if it weren't for the fact we tend to chew our own tongues and dribble - he is clearly gay! You don't talk to your family at breakfast, but resolutely read your Telegraph in silence. 'Fancy Dress' is a euphemism for cross dressing or wearing 'offensive' WWII uniforms. You own a North Face puffa Jacket You think that anyone who isn't in the Army has 'Stinking chat'.... You are incorrectly under the impression that you can get away with showing 'moral courage' in everyday life, without getting the sh*t kicked out of you by some neanderthal for interfering in his domestic.... You secretly quite like 'cutting about' in uniform in places you really shouldn't.... You use the phrase 'cutting about'.... You come out in a cold sweat if you find yourself still working after lunch on a friday.... You have to stop work at 10am for tea and cakes or else you might not make it to lunch.... At least half of your DVD collection are war movies.... Even though your disposable income is twice that of a civvie you still manage to spend it all, every month, with nothing to show for it, about a week after you've told all your soldiers that you 'can't believe how much money they waste on the piss'.... You feel guilty about wearing jeans in front of senior officers.... You now hate corned beef hash, in any form.... The sight of rolling countryside makes you scan for 'enemy depth'.... You dismiss anyone who might be better than you at something by stating that they're 'Sh*t with weight on'.... You think that eating every meal for a week with the same spoon that you licked clean and kept in the pocket of the same shirt you've worn all week is perfectly normal.... All of your food has to be prepared by a chef because you're incapable of cooking anything that can't either be boiled in a bag or eaten cold.... You lie when people ask you what you do for a living.... Anyone you recognise in that lot? Out pet Army officer was observed having a heated discussion in the car park this afternoon using a twin-handed karate chop pointing motion - obviously highly institutionalised!