british army answer phone message

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by u_didnt_c_me_i_wasnt_ther, Jan 10, 2006.

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  1. just got this as an e-mail and have'nt seen it for a while, but apt all the same

    Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our
    units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave
    a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the
    specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as
    we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq,
    Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down
    bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work
    training, we will return your call.

    Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen
    to the following numbers:

    A. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the
    Royal Marines.

    B If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate,
    good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs,
    please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service
    is not
    available after 1630 or at weekends.)

    C. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a
    warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a
    first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the
    First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.
     
  2. there is a recording of this on the web somewhere... can't find it right now though
     
  3. just tried looking myself, no joy
     
  4. spot on pmsl
     
  5. You forgot
    And if you want some one that gives a sh1t - talk to yourself
     
  6. Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our
    units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave
    a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the
    specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as
    we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq,
    Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down
    bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work
    training, we will return your call.

    Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen
    to the following numbers:

    A. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the
    Royal Marines.

    B If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate,
    good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs,
    please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service
    is not
    available after 1630 or at weekends.)

    C. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a
    warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a
    first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the
    First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.

    You forgot the last bit:

    Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength) and wish to be liberalised yet paradoxically AGAI'd, paid little, have premature Arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation; and are prepared to work your balls off day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your origanal terms and conditions and promising a better pension , serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and binmen have a little holiday; then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be passed onto a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the railway station.

    Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army


    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  7. good post hellfyyr.........good drills
     
  8. The navy doesn't need an answering machine, all the ships wil be tied up cos we've no money for fuel and over overdrive cards aren't valid abroad.
     
  9. does anyone know where this is in mp3 format?
     
  10. As far as I am aware; it isn't...
     
  11. I Laughed at this one.
    Very good!