Breakthrough in counter-mong operations/warfare!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cuddles, May 12, 2008.

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  1. Following secret tests on Okehampton Ranges this weekend, dstl are proud to report that a huge step forward in Counter mong Ops has been taken. The good news is that the revolutionary development does not require new technology but adapts existing skills, deployed throughtout the field Army.

    The breakthrough was tested during the Ten Tors expedition and demonstrated its truly amazing effects during the prize giving for Jubilee Challenge. Mongs, both dismounted and in mongpanzers, were subjected to bagpipe music. Some broke and ran, clutching their ears. Others merely stopped in their tracks and began rocking and moaning. Despite the distraction of shiny medals, balloons and videos, the effects of the bagpiping were severe and lasting.

    This may be the end of the primacy of mlaarers as a battlefield weapon, says a defence industry source. Further trials are to be conducted during the Edinburgh Tattoo. It is reported that all SCOTS bns are being moved up the Arms Plot in preparation for immediate CMO in Afghanistan next year, in the Spring balloon and ice cream season.
  2. Leave the speshul ones alone! They give someone for us gingers to laugh at
  3. A selfish view JDL - it won't be you in the compound at Lashkar Gar when Terry starts laying down ice-cream and helium balloons...
  4. Or just playing bagpipes...KISS!
  5. Would a mong that carries Scottish genes not have some sort of natural immunity to bagbipes?

    Maybe a retest using Morris Dancers against Scots mongs may be in order?
  6. There is such a thing as the Law of Armed Conflict for God's sake...
  7. Well consider yourself cautioned Mr D...there are a lot of people in our staff colleges using jargon to cover up stupidity and a a result achieving better than deserved reports, additional unwarranted credit and excessive over-promotion. So good luck to them really...sir!
  8. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    I'm not sure which is worse. The problem or the cure. I mean, bagpipes!
    Remember the definition of a gentleman is, someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't!
  9. Bagpipes can only be a temporary solution as they could be just as annoying to the public as ice cream van music (and my neighbours alarm that has been going off for half an hour now!).
  10. What happens if they gain some kind of immunity to bagpipes? Overuse of a cure can (as with antibiotics) can lead to resistance to the cure.
    What about deaf mongs? Mongs with ear defenders/MP3 headsets on?
    Can a mong stuff enough ice cream into his/her/its ears to make an effective anti bagpipe device?
  11. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes


  12. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    That goes contrary to any convention, including Geneva, Berne and Ashby-de-la-Zouch!
    It's inhumane and just horrible.
  13. Ear plugs? Well if they didn't just eat them, throw them at each other or stuff them in any available orifice - yes it could be a counter-measure I suppose...

    The value will be the shock action, so obviously we don't want to talk about this on web-sites where mlaar-handlers could see it. Oh, I see. Back to the drawing board chaps...
  14. That anatomical Teddy would be of use to MDN, when explaining to CID exactly what he did to Maddie...
  15. <taps side of nose>

    Word of this has already leaked to the world of Mongdom. I have been authorised to release this sketch, based upon original photos and, still classified, data. It is the devastaing FUMOMO(Future Mong Mover)


    1. Mongbrain encased in Shiny protector.
    2 to 5 inc. An arrangement of braces, supports, dribble catchers etc.
    6. Ice cream container
    7. Laboon holder
    8. Stick
    9 to 11. UPIMP (Universal PIpe Music Protection) Suite
    12 Propulsion
    13 Flashing lights(HSE requirement)

    While the exact operational nature of the UPIMP suite is, as yet, unclear, it may well pose devastating problems.

    NB There is also an, as yet unsubstantiated, rumour that trials are taking place to prove the fitting of two FUMOMOs into a Mongbus.

    We may not survive the next encounter...