Breaking the seal

No, I'm not talking about clubbing furry Canadian sea mammals.

This is far more important. Right, we all know that once you've gone for a pish after a few pints then that's it, off you go emptying your bladder every other pint if you're lucky. Today, for example, I popped around to a mates house and he kindly offered me a bottle of beer. For reasons unknown, after a mere two tiny weeny bottles I was off swamping the khazi and that was my lot. Watched war movie on ITV4 with a six-pack of Kronies and I was off to the bog every twenty minutes. A complete nightmare.

I normally manage five or six pints at least before breaking the seal. Who's nails and can do gallons before their knob leaks and who, OTOH, is dribbling for the lav after a thimble of WKD?

I can last about 3-4 pints before said p1ss urge kicks in but after that its twice a pint... Of Lager.

Guiness however is a different story and seems to become stodgy. Maybe once every pint to pint and a half but also encourages turd too.

Which was nice
^ A very good point I hadn't considered: with Guinness there are two potential seals to be broken.

Any other alcoholic beverages that make you dump as much as Guinness?

I find like everything, its age related.
Back in the day I could go all night before the seal was broken (then it was every ten minutes)!!!
Nowadays I only have to look at a pint and my old man starts to dribble.
We cometh into the world pissing ourselves and we leaveth the world pissing ourselves.
Not that I am suggesting your getting old of course!!
Vegetius said:
Any other alcoholic beverages that make you dump as much as Guinness?


I used to moved on to Websters when i couldn't hack any more wifebeater or was sick of making way to the bogs every five minutes.

I knocked Websters on the head after a while, too many gravy trumps and far too many episodes of muddy undies.

It was the only stuff that could tear through you in ten minutes flat and make you fire liquid from your bot with more PSI that semi angry penis.
Vegetius said:
^ A very good point I hadn't considered: with Guinness there are two potential seals to be broken.

Any other alcoholic beverages that make you dump as much as Guinness?


Yeah Newkie brown makes me sh1t.
8 - 10 12 oz beers before I think of breaking the seal. The bladder, at that point, is then sufficiently disdended so that 1 hour been lav visits is adequate. :D


Normally about 6 pints before the seal breaks, then its away every half a pint, bloody nightmare.

Guiness does bad things in the colon (it 119 seconds to lay the perfect Guinness rope!)

A red wine bender turns your poo green as well, with the consistency of toothpaste.


Now the science bit.
As briefed on the medical part of my Aircrewmans Course (remember them?) at HMS Daedalus, alcohol is a diuretic, which makes your kidneys produce urine in an effort to remove nasty chemicals from your body.

Quite why the SAM was concentrating so much on the effects of alcohol was rather odd to us at the time. After a few years as aircrew, we saw the light.

Age has wearied my body too, so I try to match my intake to the proximity of the bogs. Or wear waterproof pants.
I happen to be one of those fortunate souls with a bladder like a Space Hopper, which can expand to enormous proportions but will however, produce a spectacular release when overfilled.

Unfortunately, after that it's a pish a pint.....
Vegetius said:
^ A very good point I hadn't considered: with Guinness there are two potential seals to be broken.

Any other alcoholic beverages that make you dump as much as Guinness?

Port certainly moves the digestion along, as does Bristol Cream sherry. I hoovered down two bottles of Bristol last night and have been contacted by the coach of the British shitting team, enquiring as to my availability to fill trap two at the forthcoming World shitting cup. I have had to decline on the grounds I will be caught out by a random test for Harvey's sherry products.

As far as the seal breakage question goes I was always a gallon to the good before breakage but after that it was steady pint for pint piddling. Recently however the seal breaks at about six pints but then miraculously restores itself until hometime. A strange benefit to aging and probably any medical readers will be going "Oh god, poor Cuddles has von Klippithout's point in telling the poor chap, not when its as developed as that".

Guiness is undoubtedly slower to break the front seal than BEER. It doesn't have clean out the old colon however, as I found on New Year's Day, luckily at someone else's house...tee-hee
After a Cambrian training session in 1995 I was so dehydrated that I managed 9 pints (Courage Directors since you ask). Usually it was 4 to 6 and then the traditional pint-to-pee ratio of 0.89:1 (variance of +/- 17% depending on salt intake i.e. crisps)

Now, as I approach my late twenties (ahem) it's down to 3 pints followed by either a Johnny Wilkinson style swerving charge to the bog or a damp groin.

And I know which I prefer.
John Smiths the morning after. Pebble dash the toilet every half hour or so. However when drinking it the toilet urge is not so great as oppsosed to say lager or beer.

What about sprits? Because they are served in shots will the seal last longer???
I am saddled with a weak bladder -- it's my mother's fault, actually. (Cue story of psychological trauma from a very young age: when I was about three my mother took me into Liverpool to the shops. Before leaving, she asked whether I needed to go, and I said no. But, on the bus on the way into town I swamped my buggy heavily. My mother was then dischuffed with me, and made me sit in it all the way round the shops and all the way home. From then on, she would obsessively ask me whether I needed the toilet or not, and would often force me to squeeze a few dribbles out. End of story of psychological trauma)

I'm usually a couple of pints, and then wishing I had a catheter in. I might as well just drink at the urinal, for Christ's sake...
Used to be [about 20 years ago ] could drink for 2 hours, pee, drink for another 2 hour, pee. Now its pee, drink for 10 mins, pee etc. Went out on the lash with a mate who's paraplegic. Sod sat there all night just knocking it back, whilst i was up and down like a yoyo. Only the next day did I realise he was catheterised. No wonder he had a smirk every time I wandered to the loo

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