Brain Dead Shop Assistants

Geordie_Blerk said:
whit_RE said:
Geordie_Blerk said:
I was returning from a large brigade exercise in Scotland a few years ago accompanied by hundreds of other blokes as part of a very large road move.

We were instructed to attend a compulsory stop at an RMP checkpoint at a service station next to the A1.

Looking all warry, dirty and generally nails, I sauntered into the Burger King that was there. I was the first of the arriving soldiers to go in and was greeted by a acne ridden youth saying to his mate, "Ooh look, the SAS has arrived, fnarr, fnarr"

I duly replied (with a view to KAPE), "Speak to me again cnut and I'll fcuk you using your mate as a condom".

Burger King's finest flipper was on the point of replying when the rest of the convoy walked in. The look on his face was priceless. I on the other hand was most disappointed as I really did want to hump him.
Don't you like doing it in public? Or was it the thought of the impatient queue behind you that put you off?
It was the very real threat of being the centre of attention at a 100 strong bukkake party.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm sperm.
you sure got a purty mouth
To be fair, customers can be a right pain in the arrse at times too. I work in a pub kitchen, and we had an order the other day for 'one beef (sunday roast) without beef' Work that one out.


brighton hippy said:
being paid to turn up at a call centre (working there would actually be a lie)
I get to hear the public and theres a vast percentage of them who frankly need to be somewhere safe with no sharp objects around.
:frustrated: Do a stint for tech solutions - the other day I had "there is a window upstais and downstairs - which one do I open?"

my best answer was "is your grandson there? put him on the phone please"
Horridlittleman said:
Bat_Crab said:
However, regardless of how turned on your are by them, never flop your nob out in the store; they get upset.
Cheers, new keyboard is required!!!

I nipped into Tesco yesterday after work to grab a couple of bottles of wine. I was in uniform and was told by the woman on the till she couldn't serve me. Call me presumptious but I was expecting some anti-war rant and I was ready for a right barny! However I asked why and she said she had to check with her boss who was dutifully beckoned. She asked what the problem was to be told that checkout wallah couldn't serve me because she'd read somewhere that soliders couldn't buy alcohol in uniform. Her boss looked a little confused at this, as it wasn't Tesco policy, indeed it was some confusion about QR's. I informed her that the Army rules stated that I wasn't allowed to drink in a pub unless it was part of an organised official event and doesn't apply to me buying a bottle of wine! As if on cue a couple of chavs walked passed singing "you're in the army now" - how I laughed! :frustrated:

The lady to whom you refer held an honest but mistaken belief in the law as it related to the serving of alcoholic liquor to a class of individual in uniform.

Under Section 173 Licencing Act 1964 it was a criminal offence punishable by fine for any holder of a Justices Licence to supply any liquor or refreshment, whether by way of gift or sale, to any constable on duty except by authority of a superior officer of the constable.

The effect of this provision was that a police officer in uniform was unable, on strict interpreteation of the section, to purchase even a sandwich or a cup of coffee for a break from a corner shop or supermarket if it also held a liquor licence. Those caught would invariably jeopardise their chances of their licence being renewed.

This provision was repealed by section 199 and Schedule 7 Licencing Act 2003.

No such provision existed or does now exist in relation to members of Her Majesty's Forces.

Regards and best wishes
Cuddles said:
Never mind shop assistants, what about our former colonial dependants in the BT call centre in Mumbai? So jack you could change a car tyre on them. I was so angry at their intransigence that I am going to move my contract, regardless of cost, to a better provider.

Now get this...if they had done what I wanted, which was a phone change, I would still be with them. Instead of which my altyernative provider is giving me the blackberry I want, reducing my monthly bill, giving me a ton more free text messages and here's the irony, the airtime has been bought from...O2

I could weep...
If you phone O2 dont take any of the options otherwise you end up with the fcukwits in Mumbaieestan just wait for all the waffle t finish and then you get put through to the O2 call centre in the UK
Have some fun yourself;

Take a rubber snake in to Tesco's with you, place it carefully in with the lettuce's and retire.

Funny as fcuk watching the fireworks, me and the missus used to do it all the time. Better than telly.
you sure got a purty mouth[/quote]

Whit this is just wrong on so many levels!!! You have scarrred my eyes!
whit_RE said:
you sure got a purty mouth
Whit, did you honestly stumble across that by accident, otherwise how on earth did you find it without conducting a google search for gay bukkake? Why would you do that, why?

Must clean eyes with wire wool, I am unclean, I am unclean...
SparkySteve said:
02 = cnuts, they are after me for nearly 900quid after i tried to terminate a contract due to completely-common sense failiure on their part. While send letter bomb to them tomorrow.

Shop assistants, not only useless, but disturbing too, while purchasing some goods in a fairly large electrical wholesaler, i was asked if i would "Like some free wipes" to which i replied, "No thanks, i've got enough toilet paper" Which, admittedly, is not that funny.

Unless you are a fcuking spastic.

Second shop assistant proceeds to laugh, snort, dribble and choke in the same motion, making a wierd pig-cockeral-lettauce noise.
So i asked, "Whats wrong with your mate?" "He's my boss"

Sauntered slowly back to the van.
not a good idea mentioning letter bombs at the minute mate, expect a visist from the rozzers lol
i bought a fridge freezer from currys where the guy working on that dept said that if i bought one now then i could have my old one taken away free. so 3 days laters guys turn up to drop offmy fridge. asked them to take old one and looked at me stupidly and said what are you on about , tahts 30 quid extra. rang currys and said there is no deal like that. proceeded to tell deliverers to get that feckin fridge out of my house and left it at front and zoomed at mach ten to see that cnut who sold it to me!
after a few choice words to his mate to go get him , ten mins latera chit was sent under door with 20 quid as an apology haah. spineless lying cnut , no doubt ex uni with a pointless degree in watching telly or something.
my hate when shopping is not so much the assistants as you can avoid the daft ones and wind up others, but the customers in the shops.
How many times do you get caught behind some 'tard who thinks that it would be a good idea to stop at the very top of the escalator or just out of the narrow doors and check the reciept or look for something. I am going to get my own special trolley with a car battery in it and two metal prods to get them to move.
The others that wind me up are the brain dead morons who queue across the shopping centre aisles for the bank machine and completely block it off. tw@ts.

slightly off topic but still shoppping related
The only thing dumber than a shop a customer.

I love it when a punter tells me "I'm going to start shopping in Asda/Tesco/Morrisons etc."

And I would give a fcuk why?
Punters are like the Hydra; for every moron you lose, two more will take their place.

The most fun, though, are those people who treat me like sh1t, then ask me to get fresh(open)food from the warehouse, like bananas, grapes etc.

"Here you go, ma'am. And if they taste a bit funny, it's just 'cause I wiped my d1ck on them."

Have a nice day.
Me and the missus went into B&Q on a Sunday a few years back to purchase a bathroom suite. Seeing the one that we wanted I asked an assistant (rocket scientist type complete with facial mountains acne) if he could fetch us one these suites from the back. His reply was "I'll go and ask Ben." So the assistant came back with another (over-qualified rocket scientist with equally impressive acne) who when asked by my wife if we could have one of these bathroom suites was told "I'll go and ask Ben." So off went this brainstormer leaving the first assistant looking through these impressively thick lensed microscopes in frames at my wife and I as if we were from another dimension. Then, deepest joy of joys, Ben appears. "Ben" says I"we would like to purchase one of these bathrrom suites now and take it away please." Ben looked at me and then at my wife and said "We have run out of them." "Okay. Well I will take this one that is on display then please." "Sorry but we cant sell it as its for display for our customers to look at and pick one like it if they want one." Needless to say my good lady was getting pi55ed off so we left it and went back on the following Monday and asked to purchase the same suite. "No problem" said the assistant." Will you want it delivered or take it away yourself? How would you like to pay, etc, etc." When I mentioned about the comedy act of the acne brothers and Ben, the assistant laughed and said that at weekends they do tend to get overly qualified teens who may possess all the brains in the world but are actually pretty docile whjen it comes to everyday things.
taffridge said:
Nothing can beat the Naafi for utter numpties, we must have quite literally sh@gged their brains out.
Plus they treat you with utter contempt, and are harbouring a grudge against everyone in green, because they have been left with nothing but a swamped mattress too many times after wicked way has been had.

If you go to a PX its all
"Can I help you Sir" and "Have a nice day" I know its mildly annoying but you recognise the politeness and wish to provide customer service.

The only customer service you get in a Gadaffi in Deutschland is behind the block at 3am, in the shop its all
"Sandra can you get on the till theres 20 blokes queued up"
"Sorry Tracey I might burn a calorie"

A mate of mine was in the NAAFI supermarket in Rhein D circa 2003. The girl at the checkout turned round to her mate and said:

"Doreen, how much are these 5 euro phonecards?"

It's at times like that when I seriously believe that as a race, we're just not going to make it.
We've just got one of those new uber-tesco near where I live, and it's a major mong-magnet, for staff and punters.

I bought a pretty expensive mobile, which turned out to be broken, and I took it back the same day. To the same woman who I had handed over the money to.

"We don't sell those" she said. "Where did you get it, love?"
"Here. From you. It says Tesco Mobile on the box"
"oh no, love. We don't sell that model"
"here is the receipt. I was here less than 2 hours ago. Don't you remember?"

Anyway, in the process of trying to put the phone back into stock or whatever she phuqed up the till, jammed the receipt printer and jammed the cash drawer. Then miscounted the refund.

Another time, I was in with a mate who is a wheelchair user. Some old cnut on a ShopMobility smacked into my shins and my mate goes "Hey fcuknuts! It's bad enough with just me being disabled. Look where the fcuk you're going!"

Tesco appear to have designated days for specific groups:

Monday - old people
Tuesday - fat ugly women
Wednesday - spide (chav) teenage girls who batter seven shades of shiite out of their kids all the way round the store shouting "Oi Chantelle-Anais! I toul ye nat ta focken do dat!"
Thursday -MLARR day out! Millions of them every Thursday on a bus from the local Mongastore..
Fri/Sat/Sun - Baldy blokes in their thirties (like me) "power-shopping" leaning past people who stand still for more than 0.8 seconds and annoying the fcuk out of all and sundry.
ugly said:
Iolis said:
As much as I loathe shopping I think the retail outlet that has got it right is B&Q - a well-known British 'Do-it-yourself' superstore

Now I am in no way a DIY merchant but I have had, like most people to learn by trial and error when it comes to laying tiles and putting up wallpaper in an attempt to reconcile the Polar difference that exists between the wife's 'Ideal Home'-induced vision of a finished room and my risible attempts at matching it.

Whereas in most retail outlets you are hovered over by a 'foetus' in a suit who is paid 'sweetie money' instead of a salary with a limited vocabulary, who cannot string two words together and to whom you dare not speak unless you want to be branded a paedophile on the 'cruise', the B&Q stores employ real people in middle age with a bit of life experience, who know a bit about DIY, with whom you can have an intelligent conversation, who are possessed of basic civility and manners from whom you can learn much and save a bit of dosh by buying the right tools.

I really do wish more stores would follow their example.

No, I do not work for them by the way but I give them 10 out of 10 for an original and innovative approach in taking the misery out of having to deal with a semi-evolved protoplasmic symbiant called 'Sharon', 'Ailisha' and bloody 'Dwain' !!

All the best
Home Depot in Canada and the US is the same, no pressure always just there willing to give free advice and point you to the store that actually sells what you really need not what you thought you needed.
The joke about the lad asking you if you want decking but you got the first lucky punch in!
B&Q "model" themselves on them. UNFORTUNELY our localB&Q is full of the worst twa*s the company have!
You guys all seem to have bad experience with mong shop assistance… I have had my fair-share but this is my favourite and ended on a positive

went into my local boots, to buy some deodorant... it all came to about £5... i gave the girl a £10 note, she then said 'hold on a sec i need to go get some fives' she walked off to the back room, leaving the till open!!! (mistake number 1)... but mistake number 2 was that she had put my £10 note in the till before going to get the £5... and because of mistake number 1 i noticed that there where quite a few £20 notes in there... i then convinced her that i had given her £20, she gave me the £5 note and then a £10 note… i walked away with a smile on my face knowing that, that day i made a £15 profit.


Kit Reviewer
jason_2000x said:
You guys all seem to have bad experience with mong shop assistance… I have had my fair-share but this is my favourite and ended on a positive

went into my local boots, to buy some deodorant... [t all came to about £5... i gave the girl a £10 note, she then said 'hold on a sec i need to go get some fives' she walked off to the back room, leaving the till open!!! (mistake number 1)... but mistake number 2 was that she had put my £10 note in the till before going to get the £5... and because of mistake number 1 i noticed that there where quite a few £20 notes in there... i then convinced her that i had given her £20, she gave me the £5 note and then a £10 note… i walked away with a smile on my face knowing that, that day i made a £15 profit.
So you lied & cheated your way to ten quid. Ten quid that the young doris would have to sub up herself - I'm so fecking impressed.
You'll go far if they let you in the forces.
All the way to MCTC.


You should spend all that money on some maths tuition.
Who's the mong ?
Personally, as I think the army taught me some integrity I would have watched the till for her, then kindly explained when she came back that it would be wise not to walk away and leave the till open, then took the change I was owed and left....instead of conning her. As Cutaway says, she's the one that would have to replace the money from her pretty p1ss poor wage as a checkout assistant. But thats just me.
I went into Morrisons one day after toilet rolls. On the bag it said - made with recycled paper. I called over the young female assistant and asked that if its made with "recycled paper" does it mean someone has wiped their arse in it before I'm going to. Ooooooo I don't know she said and went off to ask someone else. DOH.


Similar threads