Brain Dead Shop Assistants


War Hero
To kick the ball off - a while back I walked into my local KFC one Sunday afternoon. There was one girl working behind the counter and two people, a couple, in front of me being served. There was no-one else in the whole fecking building.

A couple of minutes later the couple walked away duly satisfied with their fayre and the spotty faced teenage trailer park reject stood in front of me at the counter, stared vacantly ahead with a gaze that would make the dimmest mlarr look bright and, in the slaggiest, brain dead voice I have had the misfortune to hear uttered the immortal words, "Who's next?".

I stopped dead in my tracks, looked at her blankly for a second, sarcastically looked around and said, "Would that be me then?", expecting some sort of response but....nooooo....her bottom jaw just hung there swinging in the thermals of the chip fat fryer, her gaze staring emptily over the top of my head.

I have never been back to a KFC since. I'm all for equality but employing these 'tards when a decent hard working Joe could do with the cash is a crime. She's probably 17 by now, with 3 kids, a council house all of her own and a drugged up boyfriend in a Kappa shell-suit who batters the shite out of her every night...result!

There have got to be some classics out there about dopes being let loose to serve the public.


War Hero
I went into Tescos and bought a large can of de-icer for my car, because it does these nice handy large cans of it.

The kid behind the till gave me a knowing look and said "Getting lucky tonight then, eh?"

I just looked a bit confused and walked away. Silly bugger probably thought it was whipped cream or something.
Was in Tesco's the other day getting some shopping with Mrs Buggrit, went to the checkout whereupon this skinny little thing with a forehead the size of Cornwall and a pair of glasses that would have seen further than the hubble telescope was sitting, complete with vacant look and open gob.

We get all the shopping on the little treadmill thingy and go to the other end waiting to pack our stuff when she starts slowly putting the things through the till and sticking them slowly in a bag behind her.

I says "Its ok love, we can pack the stuff" she looks at me through these feckin magnifying glasses and says in a voice 20dB loud "Ive got to pack the first bag, Ive been here 20 months and Ive always packed the first bag!!"

Feckin hell, I starts panicking. I dont want her throwing an eppy I just want my shopping and to leave. So I says all calm and nice like "Ok love, no worries, but we'll do the rest" I end up having to repack the first feckin bag anyways.

We finish and I pay, then she hands over the receipt and makes sure I know(same 20dB voice "Here's your receipt with the prices and tesco card points on it!!"

Me and the missus walked off quick in case she wanted to help us to the car. :omfg:
Never mind shop assistants, what about our former colonial dependants in the BT call centre in Mumbai? So jack you could change a car tyre on them. I was so angry at their intransigence that I am going to move my contract, regardless of cost, to a better provider.

Now get this...if they had done what I wanted, which was a phone change, I would still be with them. Instead of which my altyernative provider is giving me the blackberry I want, reducing my monthly bill, giving me a ton more free text messages and here's the irony, the airtime has been bought from...O2

I could weep...


Whilst on Telic, I called my (now former) Mobile service provider to let them know that I was out of the country and would like my contract suspended or whatever, just so that I didn't pay my monthly contract for 6 months that I didn't intend to use it. She said she could do this and started making small talk, she asks "so mr Bagster, whereabouts are you?", I replied "Iraq", to which she replies "are you on holiday there?". I had to reply "Love, is the person who looks after you there?". She hung up and I had to call back. fcuking incredible!

If it's O2 you're moving to, you will do nothing but weep for the duration of your contract.

They're the RAF of Mobile Phone companies.

All together now...utterly, utterly useless.
02 = cnuts, they are after me for nearly 900quid after i tried to terminate a contract due to completely-common sense failiure on their part. While send letter bomb to them tomorrow.

Shop assistants, not only useless, but disturbing too, while purchasing some goods in a fairly large electrical wholesaler, i was asked if i would "Like some free wipes" to which i replied, "No thanks, i've got enough toilet paper" Which, admittedly, is not that funny.

Unless you are a fcuking spastic.

Second shop assistant proceeds to laugh, snort, dribble and choke in the same motion, making a wierd pig-cockeral-lettauce noise.
So i asked, "Whats wrong with your mate?" "He's my boss"

Sauntered slowly back to the van.


tesco shop mong told me i could not buy a lottery scratch card after six as the lottery was closed....ranting ensued...and i got my cards...fcukin retards!


I was in the ASDA the other week and i get's to the checkout and the Bird ask's Me did i want a hand with the packing,so i thought yeah why not because i was on My own and there was sh*t load's,She packed 3 item's each into the first and second bag and then sacked it ??? "Cheers" TWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA***T...


Oh boy this thread has certainly touched a raw nerve with me. I am one of the worst grumpy old bastewards imaginable when shopping. I am one of those people who will do my research, identify which shop sells the item I want, I will go there with the intention of purchasing it and the last thing I want is a crap from idle shop assistants or those who have difficulty with the word 'No'. Invariably, shopping for me is rarely a pleasant experience. I have been close too many times to placing my fist straight into the face of some of those who exist to process my sale. I always return bad tempered, grumpy and with an overwhelming desire to kill something.

Tesco's are renowned for employing semi-literate Mongs

I was there a few weeks ago, I made my purchases and walked up to the Cigarette counter for my newspaper and my Tobacco and had my other store purchases checked out at that till with my further purchaes from it.

I wanted a Lottery Scratch Card on sale near the second of the two tills on the same counter.

"Sorry said the mong", I cant give you one of those since they belong to the other till"!

"I beg your pardon", I said, "They belong to the store - a scratchcard if you will"

"Sorry, I can't sell you one from this till", says the Mong, "you will have to buy one from the other till"

"No", I said, "I am paying by debit card and I want a scratch card since I am shopping here at my convenience and not at yours now kindly give me a scratch card and deposit it in the plastic bag with my goods"

"I cant do that", said the Mong "since I have already run your goods through this till"

"Well", said I, run the goods through the till that you can provide me with a scratch card from"

"I can't do that", said the Mong. the goods are "in the system"

"Well take the bloody things out again" I demanded.

"I can't", said the Mong, "it will show up as an error on the computer".

I said (now shouting): "You are a retarded Mong with an IQ of 60 and have done your level best to fob me of with crap because you cannot be arrsed to walk down to the other end of the counter to obtain a scratch card. You can now explain to the store manager why you are going to have to put these goods back on the shelf while I shop at Morrison's."

I left him totally gob-smacked holding the goods while I walked out of the store never to return.

I had a similar experience in Dixon's at Christmas when I purchased a Satnav.

"That will be £120" said the assistant.

"We are offering a reduce price warranty..."

"No thank you"

"Can I have your address and postcode?"


Can I have your telephone number?


"I need it so that you can return the system if it is faulty"

"Madam" "I am rapidly running out of patience." "This is a consumer transaction regulated by the Sale of Goods Act 1979, and, since I am using plastic, the Consumer Credit Act 1974 as a linked transaction to the main purchase. The consideration I am providing is a money consideration called 'the Price'. The price asked is £120. Nowhere on the price tag does it say "£120, plus name, address, postcode, email address or inside leg measurement" so you can sell my personal details at a profit for marketing purposes and bombard me with shIte junkmail! If there is any breach of the implied terms of sale which become evident anything up to six months after purchase, I shall return the item and demand a refund now do you understand? Good, now process the sale or put the bloody thing back on the shelf and give me my card back OK?"

Grrrr :pissedoff:


War Hero

Wanna come shopping on Saturday?

Just for entertainment value!

No sexual favours implied or intended!


War Hero
Iolis, I love shoppers like you - especially when they're infront of me in the queue. Once you've scared two shades of poo out of the person at the checkout, they're quite reluctant to then fcuk me around.


rupert-bleep said:
tesco shop mong told me i could not buy a lottery scratch card after six as the lottery was closed....ranting ensued...and i got my cards...fcukin retards!
He / she was only trying to be helpful.
Never buy a Lottery ticket on a Monday. Statistically you've a greater chance of dying before the Draw than winning it.
being paid to turn up at a call centre (working there would actually be a lie)
I get to hear the public and theres a vast percentage of them who frankly need to be somewhere safe with no sharp objects around.


Iolis said:
Oh boy this thread has certainly touched a raw nerve with me. I am one of the worst grumpy old bastewards imaginable when shopping. I am one of those people who will do my research, identify which shop sells the item I want, I will go there with the intention of purchasing it and the last thing I want is a crap from idle shop assistants or those who have difficulty with the word 'No'. Invariably, shopping for me is rarely a pleasant experience.

Grrrr :pissedoff:

Hey Iolis, just the site for you! Your c.v. indicates you have all the prime qualities they're looking for.

Become A Mystery Shopper
(Mystery Shoppers Get Paid To Shop, Eat, even Travel)
I have met a fair few BDSA but I have no doubt that they dine out on the idiosyncracies of the public - including me.

I am with Iolis on this, give them a hard time if they ask for a name and address! I have also given them Anthony Blair @ SW1A 1AA. Usually works for me - that is no-one notices!

Nothing can beat the Naafi for utter numpties, we must have quite literally sh@gged their brains out.
Plus they treat you with utter contempt, and are harbouring a grudge against everyone in green, because they have been left with nothing but a swamped mattress too many times after wicked way has been had.

If you go to a PX its all
"Can I help you Sir" and "Have a nice day" I know its mildly annoying but you recognise the politeness and wish to provide customer service.

The only customer service you get in a Gadaffi in Deutschland is behind the block at 3am, in the shop its all
"Sandra can you get on the till theres 20 blokes queued up"
"Sorry Tracey I might burn a calorie"



War Hero
Tescos is fcuking great for employing nuggets, muppets and now in the politically correct environment, unaccompanied mlaarrs - fcuking great fun looking for the shaving foam in amongst the yoghurt.

But I had a bizarre pre-Sunday afternoon barby experience some years back, before 24 hour drinking was in and you could only buy booze between 12 - 3.

Up I rocks at 1130, not to buy booze (there was plenty of that in the house) but some ALCOHOL FREE Kaliber - yeah, I know, don't go there - and after searching fruitlessly for it in the soft drinks section I spot it halfway down the aisle containing the alcoholic beverages, this is the aisle that has more security cordon tape on it than a mass murder crime scene. Not to be outdone by a strip of plastic I dutifully hopped over the 'barrier' and wombled towards the said liquid. Well, fcuk me if Lynford Christie's love child hasn't come hurtling down the shop like a rat up a shithouse drainpipe,"OOOOOOOIIIII, you can't go in there!".

Bemused me, "Why not, I want some Kaliber and some nugget has put it in with the falling over juice"

"That's cos it's lager"

"No, it tastes like lager (vaguely, if you're pissed enough) but in all reality it is non-alcoholic. Here, look at the tin, contains less than 0.1% alcohol"

"But it's still lager"

Switch to monosylables - "Not lager. Called lager. Taste like lager. But no lagery effects."

"It says 0.1% alcohol"

"You have soft drinks for sale in the non-secure section with more alcohol than that"

Off I pops and for comparison brings him a can of Shandy Bass which contained NOT LESS THAN 0.5% alcohol.

"Yeah, well that's pop"

"Yes, but it's pop that's more alcoholic than the non-alcoholic lager that you've mixed in with the alcoholic lager."

At this point the mong has had it, has burned up his two weeks supply of IQ in two minutes. has gone into full dribble mode and is beginning to shudder.

"Go fetch the manager"


But to return two minutes later, without the manager and a rather smug look on his mush - "The manager is busy but it is Tesco's policy that Kaliber non-alcoholic lager is in fact alcoholic".

Oh, for fcuk's sake. I give up. The head mong has spoken. Never mind, the pub's open in 20 minutes.

Guinness, when they decided to include the word 'lager' on the Kaliber tin, obviously did not consider the overheating effect on the brain cell shared by most Tesco employees.

So I had the barby, got totally malleted and wound up walking through my neighbours garden with a 6' x 6' fence panel affixed to my right leg by a 3" nail but that's another story.


War Hero
SlimeyToad said:
it is Tesco's policy that Kaliber non-alcoholic lager is in fact alcoholic".
That quote will go down in history. Absoloutely love it.
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