Bowel cancer

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by trickywoo, Jun 21, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. deleted
  2. Ah, internet hypochondria - it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

    With a little work, you can convince yourself that you have pretty much everything from advanced cholera to a dormant, yet still potentially fatal, form of St. Vitus' Dance to the beginnings of ague - every disease, in fact, known to medical science, bar housemaid's knee.

    I offer you the cure devised by Jerome K Jerome's doctor, after a similar bout, prompted by study of the medical journals in the British Museum:

    "1 lb. beefsteak, with
    1 pt. bitter beer
    every 6 hours.
    1 ten-mile walk every morning.
    1 bed at 11 sharp every night.
    And don't stuff up your head with things you don't understand."

  3. Bowel cancer shows as dark red stools. Bright red usually points to piles.
  4. A few years ago I had to go and sort out things after my father-in-law and his bit of stuff both ended up in hospital in Trier.

    The bit of stuff fell down the stairs at some church and bust a leg. My father-in-law was taken into hospital with supposed inner bleeding after shiteing red.

    What he had neglected to tell the hospital and us was that during his worrying, he had consumed at least two portions of Currywurst.

    Nice hotel though and they had red (bar) stools as well.
  5. Awww Happy Birthday Tricky, you're still a pup. :)

    Now the best way to make sure it isn't bowel cancer is to take a large knife, the sort you use to hack limbs off of dead animals, and gently and slowly, to avoid damaging the handle, insert it into your rectum.

    You many find squatting over a bowl the best way to do this. Now rotate the knife keeping the end of the handle steady and the tip angled to allow a circular slice of your upper colon to be removed intact, withdraw the knife. Now take a long crochet hook and pop it on up your slightly enlarged anus and gently ease the slice out into the bowl.

    There you go. You can post the section off to your nearest hospital for histology to have a wee look at and pooh undisturbed without any more thoughts of cancer until the results return.

    Hope this helps.

    Beebs x
  6. Want a good laugh? Go to your local cancer clinic and put a partially opened sachet of tomato sauce under a sh1thouse seat. Casually loiter in the waiting room and look at the face of the poor cnut who thinks he's just sh@t his guts out.
  7. I must admit about 6 months ago I was getting Bright red blood streaked stool, it scared the life out of me.

    I contacted my Doc and he saw me right away (just to allay my fears), I only had an anal fissure which was bleeding every time I had a crap.

    But your right it does frighten you like nothing else.