Bored in Bristol and New Here too ....!!

#1
OK, I'm a newbie and I'm bloody bored here, stuck in work with nothing to do. So, any jokes or anything??

Confession. I was arrested yesterday for GBH. Wasn't my fault though. I was in B&Q and this bloke in orange overalls asked me if I wanted decking. So I got the first punch in.

8)

Eve (still bored in Bristol)
 
#2
Mens rules for women

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Saturday = Football. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel fluff, Christmas Tree formation and carburettors.
Shopping is not a sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometime.
Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, neither do we.
 
#3
Classic Tommy Cooper

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other
one says "so are you, you fat bastard"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste
funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up
and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. You do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (camply) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
"Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director. 'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
 
#5
Two strangers were seated next to each other on a plane. The guy turned to the cute blonde next to him and made his move.
"Let's talk," he said.
"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the passenger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Oh brother," said the guy. "I have no idea."
"So tell me," said the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh1t?"
 
#6
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and
the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for help. Five
minutes after receiving the coded message to interpret, the Lethbridge
General Investigation Section of the RCMP cabled the White House: "Tell
the President he is looking at the message upside down!"
 
#7
Military Aircraft Warranty-Survey Form

Thank you for purchasing the Defender F-12 military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Personal Information

[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss
[_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

First Name:..............................................

Initial: ........

Last Name:...............................................

Password: ............................... (max 8 char)

Code Name:...............................................

Latitude-Longitude-Altitude-Attitude:....... ........ ......... ........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat

[_] F-15 Eagle

[_] F-16 Falcon

[_] F-117A Stealth

[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /.......

4. Serial Number:...............................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package

[_] Catalog showroom

[_] Independent arms broker

[_] Mail order

[_] Discount store

[_] Government surplus

[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the Defender F-12 product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up

[_] Store display

[_] Espionage

[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally

[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this Defender F-12 product:

[_] Style / appearance

[_] Speed / manoeuvrability

[_] Price / value

[_] Comfort / convenience

[_] Kickback / bribe

[_] Recommended by salesperson

[_] Defender F-12 reputation

[_] Advanced Weapons Systems

[_] Back room politics

[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America

[_] Iraq

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[_] Iraq

[_] Aircraft carrier

[_] Iraq

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[_] Iraq

[_] Misc. Third World countries

[_] Iraq

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[_] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Color TV

[_] VCR

[_] ICBM

[_] Killer Satellite

[_] CD Player

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[_] Home Computer

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10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist

[_] Terrorist

[_] Crazed

[_] Neutral

[_] Democratic

[_] Dictatorship

[_] Corrupt

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11. How did you pay for your Defender F-12 product?

[_] Deficit spending

[_] Cash

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[_] Homemaker

[_] Sales / marketing

[_] Revolutionary

[_] Clerical

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[_] Household pets

[_] Crushing rebellions

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[_] Fashion clothing

[_] Border disputes

[_] Mutually Assured Destruction



Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help Defender F-12 serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?

Please write to:

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#8
some may be repeated but they are worth it:

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat boy!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
 
#9
Becoming a True American...

Two families moved from Iraq to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a $1000 bet ---In a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win the money.

A year later they meet.

The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast, I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud,then I'm going home to watch the Miss America Pageant!--how about you?"
The second man replied,
"F**k Off, towelhead."
 
#10
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when

he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You

sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhaust pipes. Nelson is
standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to
yell louder. 'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man',and
shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts

his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit pissed off by now, so he pushes the little

Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I

don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same

little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You

sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time
Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his
shirt front and yells at him; 'Look, I don't want these! Do you
understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these
to?' The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his
clipboard, and says:

'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'........ .....(Said In your best chinese
accent)....
 
#12
 A redneck is driving 'round the farm checking the fences. He radios
his
boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem.

I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck under my truck. He's still
wriggling and screaming.

What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in
the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw
it
in
a bush."

The farm worker says "OK" and signs off. About 10 minutes later he
radios
back.

"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and
threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.



"His motorcycle is still stuck under the truck and the blue light
is
still flashing."
 
#13
Burn Patient

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being
diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already
starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous
intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every
four
hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
 
#15
Life's perplexing questions

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's go ing to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Any car can last a lifetime, just drive irresponsibly enough!

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
 
#16
There were three young engineering students sitting on the lawn, visiting. They were discussing the human body, pondering who could have designed such an incredible machine...
The mechanical engineering student offered, "I think it must have been a mechanical engineer. Consider all the pivots, joints, and other mechanical solutions that the body uses. Definitely a robotics-oriented approach."
The electrical engineering student disagreed: "No, I think it had to be an electrical engineer. Think about all the connections we have that involve some form of electricity--brain waves, nerve impulses, muscle reactions... the list just goes on and on."
They sat quietly for several minutes, deep in thought. Finally, the civil engineering student broke the silence: "I think it had to be a civil engineer. Who else would think to run a waste water line through a recreational area?"
 
#17
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
 
#18
Blondes and horses

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at
the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
 
#19
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry
the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond
comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect
woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission
to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer
simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right
place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."


The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the
man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that
you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the
man date one of the other girls;


so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, ! the farmer
again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee
bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things
might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were
wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the
ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his
father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty
of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit,
not that you could hardly tell......pregnant when you met her."
 
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