The bastuds from Royal Jordanian have put their timings back again so I have another hour to kill. Anyway, I was perusing the annuls of Arrse (as one does) and I happened upon the thread about the Student Union petition. As I read on, it struck me how amusing it is to manipulate names for petitions (Mike Hunt, Willy Heckerslike, Phil Lydamide etc etc). And it reminded me of something that made me laugh at the time.

WTF, I laugh at dogs wiping their bums on the carpet, so maybe my judgement isn't sound on this, but I have time on my hands and this makes it go quicker, so I thought I'd share....

First off, I'm a bit of a cock around people I'm not sure of. And I'm an utter cock when I'm pissed. And I'm an ex-Rupert, so I used to be pissed around people I'm not sure of A LOT. So basically, I spent a long time being a cock for a living. Ah, halcyon days.....

Back to the point 5.56s, ok...

The Student Union thread put me in mind of a time when I and a few poorly-supervised gentlemen who should really have known better were tasked to organise a Tri-Marine Corps Conference in Holland. What could possibly go wrong? 5 or 6 hundred dignitories from Holland, Britain and the US blathered on a boat. Easy peasey.

The thing is, the whole Defence Diplomacy thingy (organised pissing up?) is really the remit of the Royal Navy, not the Marines. To be fair, they are very good at it (the RN). They should be, they do feck all else apart from being a big grey taxi service, but that's not important right now. The point is, it's a Navy thing not a Bootneck thing.

In much the same way that I learnt far too late that "The Singing Bum Defectives" has no place at an Army Officers' "Revue" (note ye that a "Revue" is not the same as a "sods Opera"), I learnt that applying a Bootneck template to a posh Navy run ashore is also a mistake.

So to the story in hand...

We had to produce the ship's manifest you see. The conference taking place on the RNLNS (or whatever) Rotterdam (their version of HMS Bulwark I think). But we didn't have all the names, just the job titles "Senior Diplomat, HM FCO", "Chief Executive ICI", pish like that. Well they all needed name tags to move around the Open Ship thingy for the day and they needed names on their laminate badges. Names that we didn't have and couldn't get an answer for despite hours of pestering.

In the end we made a decision (I know, Ruperts actually making decisions!) to leave the names blank on the badges and put in the Job Titles, and then we'd fill them in with lumicolours on the day. Seems a sound plan, or did at the time... We sent off the spreadsheet to the ship, and did the same to the laminate badge-makers, with express instructions not to fill in the names on the highlighted fields on the spreadsheets. The highlighted fields being the names we didn't know. Job done.

I mean, really, what's the worst that could happen?

The problem was that the ship's manifest required names, real names, and we didn't have them.

So we made them up, and that's where it went a bit Pete Tong.

We spent 2 days giggling like tits in the G1 office coming up with about 200 comedy names for the ship's manifest. All very amusing and it turned into quite a wheeze, the spreadsheet completed we retired to the bar for a couple of sharpeners and to congratulate ourselves on how amazingly witty and clever we were.

And thought no more about it.

3 months later a group of rather worse for wear bootnecks (they were VERY strong G&Ts) are stood on the flight deck of the Rotterdam getting the bollocking of a lifetime by the CoS for completely arrsing up the ships manifest. I have to say that at the time I had no idea what he was on about, until my good friend and sometime partner in crime erupted with laughter and a whole gobfull of G&T shot out of his nose.

Stood in front of us with a face like John Prescotts arrse was the senior naval civil servant a "Miss Ophelia Buttocks" accompanied by her assistant "Mr Hugh Janus" (who, to be fair, did see the funny side). She tried (but failed) to repeat the CoS' telling off about her name tag, but by then the cat was out of the bag and we had become yiters.

As the afternoon rolled on we saw getting on for 200 comedy laboons cutting about the ship being very busy and important, sporting badges proudly announcing them as Ben Doon, Phil McCavity, Willy Bender, Naffi Van Driver, Herts Van rental etc etc.

So, the point of the thread as I sit here tittering and getting closer to home, is this: what's the best comedy name you know.

Long story, weak point. Pretty much sums me up. I'll get my coat.
Pat McGroyne
Ry Tupper

I must admit to only learning of Isaac Hunt a coule of years ago. I was giggling like a schoolgirl for about 2 hours after.

There's a story about the crew of one of the Kinloss Kipper Fleet getting a little bit ingeneous on a tour of the Eastern Seaboard of the US when they stopped in at an airshow. For whatever reason the spams didn't like the three letter- three number callsign they were using (non-operational sortie) so asked the crew to come up with a catchier callsign. The result- Slipper One.
Hahahah! I'm stealing these!

Still in the ME, but on the way home.....

Mo Ngggg (Vietnamese Neural Charity worker)
Will Illyikker (obvious but I'm snickering)
Wayne Keyne-Marks (purile, sory)

I DO still like Ophelia Buttocks, and am looking forward to it Mrs 556s, if you're reading this...
Being sad, and not very busy at the moment, I tapped a few of these into

There really were (quite a lot of) people called Mike Hunt and Hugh Janus. Most of them were from the US, unsurprisingly. Ophelia Butts lived in Kentucky. Lots of Ben Downs, sadly no Phil McAvity. I did find three blokes called Seymour Slit, and two women called Iris Stew.

Did I ever tell you the one about the ex-soldier who mistook being on ARRSE for being self-employed? :roll:
I keep thinking about that gay Bengali family: Ramit and Jamit and their lesbian lodger, Mingeeta
Mr and Mrs Bates, and their onanistic young son Master Bates'

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