Discussion in 'The Intelligence Cell' started by BFG 9000, Jan 1, 2004.
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God Rest His Soul
What a way to deliver the news!
He's dead then?!
We'd have fax'd it to you, but we didn't know your number.
On receiving an OBE from the Queen:
It was a disaster. I never thought she'd trip and fall like that.
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard.
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be different from this one?
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 76, so it's no distance.
I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.
On hearing the phone:
Now if that's my wife ... tell her I'm washing my hair.
My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" And she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
When I first said I wanted to be a comedian, everybody laughed. They're not laughing now.
At the end of the booking I went to a game park. I saw a wild animal coming fast towards me. It was a woman on a Vespa with a telegram offering me a week at the Palladium.
You can call me Bob. Better still, you can call me after six o'clock.
Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.
A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: "Take me to the canaries."
What's a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was the people who voted him in?
What do gardeners do when they retire?
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
(On his own illness) I saw a specialist who asked me: "Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?" I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
People always say: "You're a comedian, tell us a joke." They don't say: "You're an MP, tell us a lie."
Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents?
Rest in peace Bob
I made the mistake of clicking on the Grauniad's 'Post your Tribute' page to Bob M (http://talk.guardian.co.uk/WebX?50@@.685ee248) and discovered anew why I don't like Guardian readers.
Tw*ts are they not? Can't have forgiven him for telling a joke about a darkie (woooooo!) thirty years ago.
Well he might have done.
A few Guardian posters dared to be different and said BM was funny. Heretics! Those who stray from the party line be exposed as racist bigots with a right wing agenda, Islamophobes, homophobes, stroboscopes...the ish!
Bob Monkhouse was consistently funny. Respect.
Our great land has lost yet another Icon. The only disadvantage I can now see is that Tony will use this as yet another reason for us to give up our sovreignty to Europe. Bob must be turning in his grave at the thought.
Thats my Mr Burns Warden, get your own!
Yours is uglier and this is mine cos I signed for mine and It can be proved................... Mr Burns
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