BMW K1200S review (as Jeremy Clarkson)

Now I’m not a homosexualist, as you know. So when Robbo invited me round to see what he calls his ‘lekker bony’ I was concerned. You see, this is a man with a history of getting in dodgy aircraft then going on heroic drunken weekends in places like Angola but my fears were allayed somewhat when he told me it was a BMW. ‘BMW bikes? They’re slow aren’t they?” Well, together we went to the local BMW dealership where the chief sales bod is a German. Robbo speaks the Eric so he asked him in Sausage what I took to be, “Hello my good man. I am here to pick up my motorcycle” but I now know what he actually said was, “Good morning. Here is some of Her Majesty’s money. Rather a lot of it actually. Now go around the back and get Thor’s hammer then produce for me a motorcycle upon which I can invade France and every woman in it. Alone. I want the most powerful engine BMW have ever produced, 0-60 in under 2.5 seconds and a top speed of 186 with 200 unrestricted. Now get to it my square headed friend.”

After a weekend pootling around the Dales and Lakes, we found ourselves on the M6 in Cumbria at 5am yesterday morning at around 70 mph. It was at this point that I asked Robbo to open her up a bit, because having a bike like this and not using it as it was intended would be like being invited to a Girls Aloud party where John Lesley is the special guest. And then not being allowed to make a video. The next moment a huge Teutonic hand reached from behind us and yanked the horizon forwards half a mile. Then it did it again. And again. You see, by now we were travelling at over 150 mph and the bike was still pulling. This wasn’t like going fast in a car. Oh no. This was a whole different kind of acceleration. In fact, this was as much fun as the time when I was 13 and discovered the hole in the showers at school that meant I could see Nicola Roffey in the nude. This truly is one hell of a machine. The only (and rather obvious) problem is that this is totally, clearly, utterly insane. If Her Majesty’s Muslim Protectorate catch you at that sort of speed they will bang you up for three months with Michael Barrymore. And John Leslie’s video camera. Although truth be told, this sort of velocity isn’t very difficult to achieve. All you need is excellent control of your right hand and the ability to be quite incandescently stupid and I’ve been very, very good at both – ever since I discovered that hole in the showers. Together we got from the Jockistan border to Horsham, Sussex in under 4 hours.

So it was that we returned to Panzer Central to discuss the bike with BMW but they were all out. They’d put on their armour, grabbed all the GS1200s and left for the overnight ferry on a mission to give the Frogs a good shoeing. Good for them, say I. Any nation that can build a machine this amazing should be encouraged to bring their neighbours into line every 50 years or so.

So get down to your local dealership and get on the list for a K1200S. Only you can’t have this one. Because it’s mine. Goodnight.
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