Wish I could have found this in time for the thread in which someone tasked with organizing a Burn's Night was asking for help. I can't claim credit for it and perhaps being married to a Jock has aided my ability to decipher it, but I think it's ace. TAE A FERT Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie, Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie. Just as ye sit doon among yer kin, There sterts to stir an enormous wind. The neeps and tatties and mushy peas, Stert workin like a gentle breeze. But soon the puddinâ wi the sauncie face, Will have ye blawinâ all ower the place. Nae matter whit ye try tae dae, Aâbodys gonnae have tae pay. Even if ye try to stifle, Itâs like a bullet oot a rifle. Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair, Tae try and stop the leakinâ air. Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek, Pray tae God it doesny reek. But aw yer efforts go assunder, Oot it comes â a clap oâ thunder. Ricochets aroon the room, Michty me, a sonic boom! God almighty it fairly reeks, Hope I huvnae pooed ma breeks! Tae the loo I better scurry, Aw who cares, its no ma worry. Aâbody roon aboot me chokin, Wan or two are nearly bokin. Iâll feel better for a while, Cannae help but raise a smile. âWis him!â I shout with accusinâ glower, Alas too late, heâs just keeled ower! âYe dirty thing!â they shout and stare, I donât feel welcome any mair. Where ere ye go let yer wind gang free, Sounds like just the job fur me. Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty, Ower the sake oâ wan wee ferty!!!