Blow Jobs.

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Valks, Dec 5, 2006.

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  1. WHAT A WOMAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT.

    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

    2. Extension to rule 1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

    3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

    4. Extension to rule 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

    5. My ears are NOT handles.

    6. Extension to rule 5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard; deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your d*ck?

    7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

    8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now!

    9. Extension to 8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on 17 year old girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Feminax.

    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

    12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule 2 about gratitude.

    13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

    16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."


    WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

    1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

    2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

    3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

    4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

    5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

    6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

    7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavour country.

    8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

    9. Play with the balls.

    10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

    11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

    12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I guarantee it'll be "sound asleep."

    13. If you swallow then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
     
  2. Thank you Valks,

    Life in general seems much clearer to me now. :lol:


    Although where women are concerned I remain confused and totally at a loss :?

    fastmedic
     
  3. Reference rule three from female,
    have you not realised that the reason that men don't have wrinkles around thier belly button is because that is where Harry M lands so I always thought I was doing a favour and saving the lady some face cream expenses
     
  4. You can only get it as far as your belly button? ~tut~
     
  5. I aim at the ceiling and wait for it to drop
     
  6. Never normally being one for equality... I have a problem with this one...

    Does she have the right to give you a big sloppy kiss after?

    Really she does... but wouldn't that be the death knell of BJs?
     
  7. Playing devil's advocate .....

    Don't you kiss her with beer/fag/f@nny breath?

    All's fair in pubs and sex.
     
  8. Valks,

    You are the woman for me. Nothing apart from equality and fair play with nookie :p

    Apart from you have a size fixation :? :?


    fastmedic
     
  9. Only 'cos I have to.... she wants to feel loved.... What's that about?
     
  10. I only have one stipulation on size .... if you're hung like a horse then go fcuk one.
     
  11. Hi Valks this is for you

    BILLY’S GUIDE TO A GOOD WIFE

    1. Have dinner ready, plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal
    Ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

    Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’re refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

    Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

    Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

    Gather up school books, toys, paper etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

    Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

    Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (If they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

    Be happy to see him.

    Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

    Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

    Make the evening his. Never complain if he come’s home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

    Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

    Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

    Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool of warm drink ready for him.

    Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

    Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

    A good wife always knows her place.
     
  12. Where on earth did you get that Mrs Beatons good wife guide circa 1950
     
  13. Appears to miss the "and give him oral sex when he wants it"
     
  14. My best man read that out at my wedding. Guess who didn't consummate anything that night (may have laughed a bit too much)...
     
  15. Thanks for the tips Lazy, if I ever do something stupid like get married again I shall bare them in mind.

    Meanwhile .....

    Valks Guide To Being A Good Girlfriend.

    1. Always wear basque and webbing, even in bed.

    2. Never keep up with him on drinks ... men hate being drunk under tha table by a mere woman.

    3. Speak as little as possible, body language is adequet for most occasions.

    4. Have Pizza Hut on speed dial.

    5. Always leave before he wakes.