Bloody shopping

#1
It's Sunday, ergo it's my day off, I know this to be true because god said so.

So what do you think I'm going to be doing on my 'day off'?

Fecking shopping for maternity clothes in Cheltenham with Mrs Spongey. Before you start on about me not being man enough to stand up to her, she has pulled the "I'm pregnant" card. I have been told by a reliable source, notably her father, a 6' 3" Afrikaaner who happens to have an arms cache that could supply South Africa for a 3 year war, that the "I'm pregnant" argument trumps everything. :(

If you see a dejected looking Spongey being dragged round Cheltenham by a slightly ball shaped, short arsed woman, please have the good grace to punch me repeatedly so that I may spend the remainder of my 'day off' relaxing in A and E.

You know I would do the same for you.......
 
#3
There's still time to pull the emergency " my credit /debit card has been stolen phone call to the bank" trick, youll be home sooner , down side is a few days for new card .hope this helps
WW.
 

terroratthepicnic

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#4
At least you are getting out the house. When it's my "days off", I have to spend every waking hour decoration the soon to be nursery.
While on hers, she gets to spend all day on her fat arrse, watching cr4p on the tv.
 
#5
wheelchairwarrier said:
There's still time to pull the emergency " my credit /debit card has been stolen phone call to the bank" trick, youll be home sooner , down side is a few days for new card .hope this helps
WW.
A cracking idea, only down side is she's using her own money. Damn her stupid employer for giving her a £300 maternity grant. :x

terroratthepicnic said:
At least you are getting out the house. When it's my "days off", I have to spend every waking hour decoration the soon to be nursery.
While on hers, she gets to spend all day on her fat arrse, watching cr4p on the tv.
What do you think I've been doing for the last 5 'days off'. How many times can one man be expected to change the nursery until it is 'just right'?
 
#6
wheelchairwarrier said:
There's still time to pull the emergency " my credit /debit card has been stolen phone call to the bank" trick, youll be home sooner , down side is a few days for new card .hope this helps
WW.
Yes give us your card details and we'll do the honourable thing and clear your account out before she gets started :D
 
#7
Bullet Sponge said:
How many times can one man be expected to change the nursery until it is 'just right'?
I don't believe there is any limit...

msr
 
#8
Bullet Sponge said:
"I'm pregnant"
Make her miscarry with a big right hand to her gut..... No more sunday shopping dramas.
 
#10
Good god, man, use your imagination. You are going shopping in a maternity store...they speak quite freely there about breasts - have all sorts of goodies for the breast. Just keep oggling the breast pumps and assorted breast merchandise and you'll soon be released from your pain. (the missus may not speak to you for a while but that could also be a good thing)
 
#11
Shame on you for not gladly helping your pregnant wife. First the pleasure then the pain.
 
#12
Being an amputee, getting out of shopping trips is easy; I just claim that the leg is giving me pain or the prosthesis is not fitting well.

So, to avoid future shopping expeditions, simply saw off one of your legs.

Hope that helps,

K13 :wink:
 
#14
do what i do! eye up everything else(thin and sexy brand)

she will rather go out alone than watch you looking at everything else..

i get looks everytime i go out, cos i'm such a fanny magnet..

trust me, afew "corrrr shes worth a spudload" works a treat!!
 
#15
Result! Not only did I manage to piss Mrs Sponge off beyond all belief but the screaming queen that worked in one of the maternity shops we visited informed me that I won't be welcome again. :)

All I said was thank god we're having a daughter as it doesn't matter if she's queer.

Why is it that places always go deathly quiet just as you say things like that. :?

Needless to say the screaming queer became most opinionated.

Should I go back and rape him with a strip of razor wire wrapped round a broom handle?

Mrs Sponge now thinks I'm even more of a twat.
 
#16
Well done. Another similar 'pc faux pas' that I have found to be amusing is to go into the early learning centre, pick the leftiest looking twat of an assistant you can find, and ask where the toy guns and rambo knives are. Got me banned from one in Swindon...

If they simply say 'oh we don't carry such horrid items', ask where the lego is, 'cos your kid could make a good one out of that' - that really annoys them.
 
#17
k13eod said:
Being an amputee, getting out of shopping trips is easy; I just claim that the leg is giving me pain or the prosthesis is not fitting well.

So, to avoid future shopping expeditions, simply saw off one of your legs.

Hope that helps,

K13 :wink:
No disrespect intended K13...but it brought a smile thinking of the Black Knight a la Monty Python..... :lol:
 
#18
Shopping............

I have a theory that the inner circle of Hades for blokes is now actually a huge shopping mall full of tormented souls wandering aimlessly about led by she-demons who ask pointless questions about objects that mean nothing to them. Imagine being suffocated by boredom in an airless space full of chavs. Forever.

So one day I was dragged into such a place for the express purpose of signing off on The New Set of Curtains for The House that she has been pratting about with for ages. I do not care about curtains. I never will care about curtains. The idiot woman in the shop soon began to sense that here was a man who would prefer to kill her with a blunt instrument or even destroy the world rather than look at one more swatch of curtain material.

As that dull pressure of silent hate built behind my eyes and I adopted the dead fish face, in the distance a little voice in my head said:

"She knows you hate this. She knows you are prone to go off like a demo charge after more than an hour of shopping for sh1t. So why are you here?"

And the little light came on.

"How much is all this?" I grated out in a voice that I had not heard for a while.

The woman in the shop took a deep breath and gushed about special offers, free fitting, half price lining, discount on tracks, quality of the material, labour involved et, etc, etc.

"How much?" the voice that was not mine said.

"£5500"

I know I said something. I know it went silent in the shop. I know Mrs B. said nothing for rather a long time after. In the legends of that shop I am known as That Dreadful Man.

And that is why you have to go shopping with a woman bent on nest building
 
#19
You should have popped into Taylors, you could then have spent at least an hour oggling the ample totty behind the bar (especially the one with curly hair and big bazookas), that would have upset the misses enough to let you stay there while she finished the shopping alone :)

If you ever need to get away for an hour or two, PMme and I will join in aforementioned bar for beer and oggling :)
 
#20
k13eod said:
Being an amputee, getting out of shopping trips is easy; I just claim that the leg is giving me pain or the prosthesis is not fitting well.

So, to avoid future shopping expeditions, simply saw off one of your legs.

Hope that helps,

K13 :wink:
i dont fancy losing a leg. Would the same work with a finger? I dont really use my rhand pinky.
 

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