Blood thicker than Darwinism?

BrunoNoMedals

LE
Kit Reviewer
#1
I love my kid brother. Not in a Norwich way, but in a proper, manly, family-ties way. He's only 16 and classified as a bit special (second twin, complications at birth, severe dyslexia, etc.) so I give him some leeway in doing stupid things. We also have separate mothers and his maternal genetics are known to be a tad "intellectually sketchy".

All that aside, I'm starting to wonder just how much I can let slide and whether I need to seize full executive control over his life. After Christmas we went for a family meal, a nice Ruby. He forgot to mention his nut allergy to the chef, and promptly got a bit swollen. It turns out no-one told him that curries contain nuts, or that restaurant SOPs include disclosure of allergies. I glossed over the parenting failure to spare my step-mum, and gave him a crash course in surviving his dinner. No major harm done, I thought.

Yesterday I got a text saying he was in hospital having come inches from heart failure following a serious reaction. To nuts. In a curry. In a restaurant.

I'm already in trouble for calling him a "fucking spesh" on Facebook and questioning the life lessons that should have been taught to him by his supposed responsible elders. I know he doesn't qualify for a Darwin as he was handed an epipen in time, but would nominating him for an honourable mention damage family relations further?

Is this type of lemming-esque stupidity contagious, and should I disown that whole branch of the NoMedals tree before it infects my currently-gestating baby son?

Aside from the obvious "hard lesson", how else can I teach my brother not to kill himself?

Advice requested.

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#2
Make sure a spare epi-pen is always fastened to the string that tied around his wrist to stop his laboon flying away.
 
#3
Unless you become full time surrogate dad then start bulling your best wellies and dust off the black jacket I'm afraid.

tits arrse bum and all the other Naafi requirements
 
#4
As this is the NAAFI - let nature take its course.

[/NAAFI Mode] As a twin myself, a crash course in survival and a MedicAlert bracelet, unless FourEM's suggestion of being full-time surrogate dad is more appealing.
 
#6
Tea bag him and see what happens
 

BrunoNoMedals

LE
Kit Reviewer
#7
It should should be pointed out that he's not a fully paid-up chromosome-dodger, despite the tale suggesting otherwise. Aside from shit spelling, reading, counting and judgment calls in life-threatening situations he's a relatively well-adjusted, thoroughly nice lad.

I do think a number of relevant warning tattoos on his forehead is the way to go, though.

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#8
Have "Homophobic" tattooed on his head.

People will stop him and ask what the hell he thinks he is doing and that will remind him of the "No nuts" rule!

Sorted.
 
#9
I have every sympathy.

My tin of cashew nuts told me it might contain nuts, so that was helpful should I have offered anyone else one.

Feed him curries (without nuts), until he is sick of the sight of curry? Breakfast, lunch, tea and supper for a month should do it!

A bottle of sherry when I was 14 worked for me for 20 years in avoiding sherry!
 
#11
Just how big is his forehead?
not big enough, I suspect. If I shaved off his girly emo hair I could fit more on...

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#14
Don't forget to have those tattoos written back-to-front so he can read them in the mirror !
the beauty of the tattoos is that they warn others (who may otherwise be sued) but conveniently avoid the issue of him not being able to read himself.

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#15
Teach him to say after ordering his meal NO NUTS in a very loud voice. I.e. Chicken buna, plain nan. NO NUTS. Thus warning the staff to replace the nuts in the recipe with a bodily fluid based substitute.

naffi aside you are going to get tons of similar incidents. Don't blame yourself or him just help where you can. You could do with talking to a health care professional with experience in this area. Jarrod might be able to point you in the right direction but....
 
#17
Aside from the obvious "hard lesson", how else can I teach my brother not to kill himself?
Have you considered the consolation sex you'd get from having a recently-deceased brother? I understand there's extra anal if he was disabled in some way.
 
#18
Castrate him. That both deals with the nuts problem and makes him fully eligible for any future Darwin Award.

[Schrodinger's NAAFI]Sounds like some form of aversion therapy might be useful. A quick acting emetic in his food, followed by you / whoever sagely observing that the packet of whatever he's just eaten says there were nuts in it.

[/NAAFI]Peanut Desensitization Trial ... might be worth seeing what follow-ups there might have been.
 
#19
I have every sympathy.

My tin of cashew nuts told me it might contain nuts, so that was helpful should I have offered anyone else one.

Feed him curries (without nuts), until he is sick of the sight of curry? Breakfast, lunch, tea and supper for a month should do it!

A bottle of sherry when I was 14 worked for me for 20 years in avoiding sherry!
As your now talking past tense, I assume you actively and consciously drink Sherry, you Big hermer?
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#20
I feel your pain. I am afflicted with a melon headed special step brother who struggles to say his own name. His dad married my mum and he came as part of the deal.

He is 6 years my junior and between bouts of heavy bullying from my sister and me, he spent much of his childhood eating grass and trying to fit toy tractors up his mudbutton.

You can't quite put your finger on it but he's just not the full card. It's mostly his giant head and his slight lisp, but his general slowness and vacant stare add to his clumsy, goofy charm.

My step dad and his mum smoked a lot of top gear when he was in the womb, one can only assume this is what caused him to come out as a bit of a wrong'n.

I've tried to be his mate, I really have, but we just have nothing at all in common and his chat is utterly honking. His main topics of conversation are his xbox, his moped and his job as a labourer from which he was sacked. I've had more meaningful conversations with 10 year olds.

His crowning moment by far is surely the time he invested his life savings in a tattoo kit and got to work on his legs. As a result, the lower half of his body is covered in childlike pictures of sonic the hedgehog.

I fear he is destined for a life on the dole, alone, masturbating in front of call of duty.
 

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