Blind Date

Discussion in 'Lonely Hearts' started by The_Snail, Nov 23, 2008.

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  1. Ok, here is the story. A few weeks ago, Toppers and his missis were staying at my house - children and dogs in tow (yes I know one isn't born yet). He left the dogs in the house alone, with a broken fence (see the gardening thread for that one) and a dog flap. The dogs, let's call them Pip and Eddie (not to be confused with the famous 2 who had a very good song in 1992 called "Would I lie to you"), went walkabout. To the extent that the neighbours called the council.

    With me so far?

    Anyhoo. The chap who was called from the very fine Richmondshire Council, left a note though my door saying he had been to visit. I, in my infinite wisdom called him up when I got home (bearing in mind I am a cheese cutter/seal culler/underwater knifefighting expert), and he sounded a nice chap on the phone, so I offered to meet him for a drink. (This was Thursday).

    Still with it?

    He, fortunately, has only got my home number and has been calling me all day to ask if I still wanted to meet him. Once again, in my infinite wisdom - I said yes. We were to meet at The Station in Richmond at 1800hrs. Brushed teeth and hair (not same brushes) and off we trot to Richmond in the green skip.

    I arrived at The Station to find a moustachey grey haired monster (not unlike Herman Munster) who could only grunt - and he wasn't even a squaddie. I walked the dog with him (in fully lit places) for 7 mins, then chucked the dog in the car so I could have a proper look at the ugly git and pretend to be nice. Nah - he was still minging.

    Now when someone tells you they are in the Army, you'd ask them questions. Nah - I had to ask him everything. Before he was a dog warden he worked in an office opening the mail. "What are you doing for Christmas?" "Spending it with mum and dad at home".

    Run Dale Run!!!!!

    I managed to pull a sicky on him and was straight in the car, doors locked, phoned Toppers before the designated time (you should never go out with a freak unless everyone knows where you are), he pissed himself laughing, then I called Beebs - she also did a little wee in her pants; I came home (after buying Bargain Booze out of Wolf Blass) - locked the doors and told everyone in chat about the best 17 minutes of my life.

    That's all really.

    17 minutes of my life wasted. All he could say was "Right" and nod. I offered him an icecream as well.
     
  2. Quite clearly he was holding out for a red laboon :p
     
  3. Since I'm sat here drinking Wolf Blass Cabernet Sauvignon I'm feeling chilled.
     
  4. I take it you had left The **** Intruder at home.
     
  5. The dog had nothing to do with it.
     
  6. Hhhhmmmm
     
  7. Actually Dale, I know the bloke and he's told me why he was so quiet. He was gobsmacked when he saw you, since he recognised you from the film 'Luscious Latex Loretta'. He says he kept expecting you to start shitting ping-pong balls just like in the film.

    All the best
    T_T
     
  8. I couldn't get a word other than "Right" or "Yeah" out of him.

    You are not funny TT.

    You are fat and your face is wonky.
     
  9. You can smell the desperation?
     
  10. I'm fed up - not hard up.
     
  11. Phoning random blokes at the Council and asking them for dates sounds like desperation to me! I offered myself to you, even offered to pay, and this is how you repay me... Sniff, snuffle...