• ARRSE have partnered with Armadillo Merino to bring you an ARRSE exclusive, generous discount offer on their full price range.
    To keep you warm with the best of Merino gear, visit www.armadillomerino.co.uk and use the code: NEWARRSE40 at the checkout to get 40% off!
    This superb deal has been generously offered to us by Armadillo Merino and is valid until midnight on the the 28th of February.

Blatant lies over the years

#1
So in my time so far I have come across some bullshitters, had blokes in the office trying to lie there way ot of a charge etc. Worse ones have to be those who claim that such and such (famous or infamous) is a member of the family, mate, ex GF/BF.

Therefore I am throwing it out there to the young, the old and the bold... what is the worse excuse, lie or fabrication of the truth you have so far heard in your time served or past time served:

I will start with this one, as it always makes me chuckle:

Whilst serving with 1 Ches*** Regt in Ballykilner, the CSM shouted me into the office to ask where was Lcpl W****, can I check UNICOM and see if he had put a leave pass in. No sooner had I done so than the CSM received a phone call from said LCpl stating he had just been released from hospital as he had been badly beaten up the night before and was now driving back to catch a ferry back to NI ASAP.

Sympathetic as always the CSM told him to report to him as soon as he returned in best clobber, feet in IN Tray etc.

Flick to next day around 1000hrs when 2 PSNI Officers walk into the Coy HQ with LCpl W**** who indeed looked as though he had done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson.

Closed doors in OC's office with CSM, PSNI and LCpl W****, door opens eventually and they all troop out with the CSM informing LCpl W to get his arse into uniform and report back to him with immediate effect.

Being a clerk and trusted with certain information I was called into the CSM office to be informed to get a charge report ready for LCpl W.

It seems that this bloke had got pissed, missed his ferry woke up and panicked, called the CSM with the lie he had been beaten up. On getting to NI and just 1 mile from Barracks had parked up and decided to make the lie more realistic by sitting in his car and then proceeded to beat himself up by repeatedley punching himself in the face.

PSNI on driving past though WTF is going on here and arrested him thinking he had major mental health issues! Brought him back where the story (lie) did unfold.

Of course the story was leaked out as is always the case and (still) years later, people are heard to shout acroos the square at him " I'm Kicking my own ASS"
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#12
I was duty bod at HMS Raleigh one evening and a few of the sprogs had Cinderella leave. At around 1150 I received a drunken call saying that they were going to be late as the Torpoint ferry had a man overboard incident and they were assisting. Bearing in mind that they were doing Seamanship training at the time and man over board drills were a big part of their daily routine, I took this to be utter bollox on their part and a vain attempt to make up for being late with a gash heroics story.

Turns out it was true, some drunken civvy had decided to jump off the top deck into the Tamar River, the lads launched the life buoys and one of them went in after him with a lifeline attached. Obviously they got pats on the back all round from the Commodore and Civpol etc. Didn't I feel like a cunt.
 
#15
Said this nice cute nurse on date..... "No dear, if you hump me doing it standing up.... I won't become pregnant...gravity will make it all run down me legs....!"

Alarm bells sounded........ muttered something under my breath after the deed was done..... I'm called Flying Officer McSPorran... I'm stationed at the local RAF camp..... of course that was ballocks as I pulled up me stides and buggered offski...... Not sure If I have a son or daughter somewhere..... could even be a Granddad now.......or even a great Granddad..

I was only a lowly L/Corperial at the time.....
 
#17
15yrs old, living with parents (who else?), mum bursts in my bedroom.
Cue me rapidly pulling duvet up over me as I'd just literally banged one out.
Mrs.Miner Senior = "Whats that?"
Me = "Oh, its super glue. I was just sorting out that model tank over there."

This all related to the big blob of spaffage that had landed on my upper right arm, just before my mum barged into my room.
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#18
15yrs old, living with parents (who else?), mum bursts in my bedroom.
Cue me rapidly pulling duvet up over me as I'd just literally banged one out.
Mrs.Miner Senior = "Whats that?"
Me = "Oh, its super glue. I was just sorting out that model tank over there."

This all related to the big blob of spaffage that had landed on my upper right arm, just before my mum barged into my room.
Ever played wank roulette?

It goes a little something like this:

Start thrapping, shout out ''Mum! Can I have a cup of tea please!''

Try and finish, clean up and stow your grot before she comes up stairs.

Great fun. If you are over 15 you can substitute 'mum' for girlfriend or wife and it works just as well.
 

Latest Threads