First and foremost, we are NOT obligated to do it ... if you get a BJ, be grateful that you have a woman that loves you enough to blow your trouser trumpet.

Another very important thing to remember is, keep your instrument clean night and day ... you never know when I might feel the urge to play a tune.

I don't care WHAT they did in the porn DVD you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. Besides it stings if you get it in your eyes!

And NO , I don't have to swallow. It doesn't particularly taste good, I don't care about the protein content and as for that myth about making my boobs bigger or firmer, yeah right! You taste it if you want to but count me out!

My ears are NOT handles to pull me down on you ... gagging on a trouser snake half way down your throat is not what I call fun.

See rule above ... do not push on the top of my head either. Deep throat is an art and usually performed by Linda Lovelace type, silicone enhanced, porn stars anyway. Additionally, do you really WANT me to be sick on your dick?

I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart. Even more so if you have just returned from a beer swilling, curry eating, night out with your mates!

Having my period does not mean that it's hummer week ... get it through your head, I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

I'm a grown woman and Blue Balls might have worked on sixth form school girls, if you're that desperate, go play with yourself and leave me alone.

If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just ruined it for you.

Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate how we perfected our technique. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. (See also first rule about gratitude.)

No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

When you hear your mates complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, please don't say anything as it's not on, to either sympathise with them or brag about how often you get your bugle blown.

Just because it's awake when you get up does not mean that I have to kiss it Good Morning.



Book Reviewer
If a woman refuses to give you oral sex, just tell her that it is easier to swallow a teaspoon of cream than it is to lick a dead fish.
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