Bird Juggling

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by IdleAdjt, Aug 3, 2005.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. After recently getting dumped by a very fine bird I went through the period of mild depression and then the self-doubting phase. A short spell of I hate women phase in which I vowed to be a warrior monk for the rest of time has now seen me move into the sexual revenge stage.

    I have taken the command decision that I shall take my revenge on the bird who dumped me, who I still miss- boo hoo, by making the rest of the female population suffer. I intend to do as much rutting as a teenage bunny and I intend to do it with as many women as possible in the shortest time. After a promising start and getting two on the go, I have found a few more potential bed-fellows. However, I am now begining to confuse their life stories and in real danger of slipping up and letting the cat out the bag. Short of taking out my notebook to refresh myself of their life story, I have now hit overload. If I am to achieve my revenge on women in general I need to find a system for keeping track of who's who.

    I know there are many on this site who have less morals than me so I expect many have done it before. What advice can you give fellas?
  2. Are you implying that you're that much of an awful shag that to inflict a return match upon said wimmin would be to make them suffer or do you want to mentally torture them, in which case confusing their life-stories and therefore letting them know that they're not the only object of your affection / rutting will psychologically scar them for years.

    DozyBint, traitor to her sex... :roll: :lol:
  3. Don't lean over in bed and say to the wife, "do me a favour{------}(insert bit on the sides name) go and get me a painkiller will you"? She nearly ripped my fcukin' head off.
  4. Dozy, I simply want to lure them in with sparkling chat and good company, get them to really like me, feck them sideways and then have it away on my toes leaving them crestfallen. Simple.
  5. :lol: You got 2 hopes there mate & Bob's dead! :D :lol:
  6. Come-on. You know I am an accomplished liar. Is just acting.
  7. My cousin past away nearly 9 years ago now. He was in the RLC.
    At his wake one of his colleagues said a little bit about him and asked if his Girlfreind was there, to which 5 little voices chirped,
    "Yes, I’m here".

    I laughed so hard I schitt myself. :lol:

  8. Did he leave a little notebook, a kind of "Cheating- A novices guide"?
  9. I once had a mate in the HAC (he only joined, he said, "for the very tight trousers"). He was a swordsman of frankly fcuking epic proportions. At one point he had six on the go; three serious and three not-so-serious (one was a very twisted married bird who knew about the other five and really got off on it). Even more interestingly, there was no "theme", i.e. one was blonde, one was Asian, one was brunette, one was skinny, one was curvy (etc).

    He just loved shagging loads of different birds. He reckoned it kept him on his toes.

    I once asked him on one of the rare occasions he had time off from shagging how on earth he kept track of all the necessary int. on these birds.

    He said the secret was "compartmentalization." He put every single one in an imaginary psychological box and when he was with one of his harem he basically disciplined himself to imagine the others didn't exist. Oh, and he kept a big fcuking notebook too, and six separate packets of johnnies and three mobile telephones. He had his "Over-The-Side" kit in a briefcase, I was one of the mugs who'd put in spoof "excuse calls" for him now and then depending on which one he was with.

    Now, I've never been the shagging-around kind of bloke, too much bother, and I reckon "compartmentalisation" is bollox. He was just a very clever, manipulative, good-looking and sly sonuvabitch who couldn't keep it in his trousers. As my wife said "his head is just a periscope for his dick."

    Nonetheless, he never got captured, completely got away with it.

    So might be worth a try.

  10. Unfortuanaly not, Idle,Adjt. The score at the end of the night was 2 bagged off with his mates, two had a fight with each other and the last one tried drinking the bar dry.

  11. Cheers Vegetius, I will give that a go. Six, the man was a legend. I'm struggling with 2 and a few possibles but 6 FFS. Was he also mainlining Lucozade. The poor sod must have struggled to walk.
  12. He was a very, very busy man, Idle. He had a flash City job, the HAC, a half-decent amateur first team rugby career, epic beer-drinking habit and six sex-mad birds on the go all at once.

    He's now settling down and getting hitched but he'll always have that twinkle in his eye. I'm sure the "slag gene" is a scientific reality.

    I think two is perfectly respectable, three heroic but anything more just foolhardy.

  13. You could also try those memory tricks that all of those (quite frankly disturbing) 'magic men' use. Using what each laydee looks like as the focal point, somehow tie their name, favourite drink, occupation and any other pertinent info to their physical characteristics. I just hope you’re not dating the lovely Candida… 8O
  14. If you want sex, get posted to a military hospital, QA's bang like a schitt house door when the plagues in town.(or they used to when medman went a shaggin). I saw many a faggotty Tech trade get straightened out after a night in the 5 to 1 club.
  15. It's easy to hold a conversation up with any bird. I'm sure most blokes can do this (Well the married ones any way).
    A few choices phrases that should keep the bird talking for hours.
    "Yes dear"
    "uh huh"

    If you do screw up a sloply "I love you" speach normaly gets them around, and if you can make a face like this:

    while saying it you should be able to doge most of the trouble and get them into bed quicker.