Bill Oddie The Authentic Squaddie




I was talking to my brother (ex-booty) last night. He said a mate of his has still got a load of Action Man figures and clothes from the late 70's.

We were both agreeing how great it would be to bring Action Man right up to date as "Bill Oddie, the Authentic Squaddie".

You could buy various sets of kit for him. The "On the beer" set would have a few accessories, like, a pissed mattress and a pair of jeans that are a darker blue round the genital area. Not forgetting of course, a little Becks bottle that he can hold in his iron grip while he dances badly, in a ham fisted and ultimately futile attempt to pull Barbie. You could even adapt his eagle eye vision to beer goggle vision, rendering women and large doners visually irresistible.

Can anybody else think of new outfits for this soldier of the new century. The "BFT failure" and the "Disgruntled 22 year Lance jack" promise to be particularly good sellers.
What about a Bill Oddie book of excuses, every squaddie has an in built ability to wriggle out of and avoid all manner of crap and off load it on his mucker.

Speaking from personal experience over my nine year career I had 8 different Grannies snuff it with 6 differents SSMs...........Sorry, gues im going straight to hell ;D When excuses ran a little thin I found the more profound and unbelievable the excuse was the more likely you were to get away with it.......

This could be miniaturised to be carried as part of the Bill Oddie dolls CEFO
Bill Oddie redresses his last ACR?

Bill Oddie placing 25 coins behind his foreskin?

Bill Oddie going sick on BFT day (to accompany the BFT failure doll)

Bill Oddie the beer bellied Provo Sgt

Bill Oddie providing a sample for CDT

Bill Oddie failing CDT

Bill Oddie in his BFG Nissan Cherry (old one this) smuggling tax free fags on the Zeebrugge ferry.

Bill Oddie after not having been selected on the promotions board.

Bill Oddie asleep on stag

Bill Oddie on orders (to accompany the Provo Sgt Doll)
Bill Oddie running round camp with coveralls on and a Big brass shell above his head
I think his standard issue kit would be jeans, dessie wellies and a halb hanchen (hellie hansen)
To make the product appeal to the females, you could have a pads wife model with white stilletoes, ron hills and a box of OMO.


They've just brought out a special issue storeman. It has folding arms, and if you ask it for anything it sucks air in through its teeth.

Accessories include...

Brown Stained overcoat.
1033 pad (unused)
Additional brow furrows to be attached if someone asks for a watch.

The deluxe model has a string in the back, and if you pull it you can hear one of five popular stores phrases.

"We're closed"
"Stores are for storing"
"If the cap fits, exchange it"
"Oohh sorry, that's a starred item"
"How did I finish up in this dead end job"
What about:

Bill Oddie Social Handgrenade

This comes shorter than the other models and has a pin that when pulled out shouts abuse in a scottish accent and the arms spin round in a windmill fashion, then double legs and passes out.


Bill Oddie SAS Wannabe

Now with bigger sideburns.

Featuring popular phrases

"Slick drills, quick kills"
"Yes, I took part in the Iranian embassy siege,  despite only being 12 at the time"
"Can I have a book deal"
"I've been across the water, on a trip, with the team"
What about a just out of training Bill Oddie

Go's home on first leave, wearing Regi Tracksuit thinking he is the hardest man on earth and gobs off to all the local doorman and gets filled in

ROPs Bill Oddie with batteries that can do pokey drill in double quick time and sweats like peadophile in a playground
Bill Oddie the Regimental Freemason:

Comes with:  apron, box of tricks and one trouser leg rolled up, varying badges of rank (as real thing is usually grossly over promoted).

Deluxe model has voice activated response and will reply to questions concerning the age of his grandmother etc.  Also has realistic gripping hands and strange handshake.

Collect a number of them or get together with your friends and start a lodge. ;)
Bill Oddie Dirty Stop Out

Comes dressed in appropriate wrinkled civvies, smells of magic marker. Has a scratch and sniff patch at the groin area that has the option of 2 smells, mackrel or butt mud, depending if the owner has attained his brown wings. This model tries to sneak back into its box when it thinks no one is looking
Simon Weston Bill Oddie just keep him on the fireplace and create your own ;D
Suicide Watch Bill Oddie.............won't come with any sharp instruments, rope, bootlaces nor copious amounts of paracetemol.........(nor guns for the RLC version) :D
The RHF Bill Oddie............much the same as the 'Social Hand Grenade' version, but comes with fish supper in top pocket of smock and wielding broken bottle
The AGC (SPS) Bill Oddie?   OK, just forget I mentioned it.

The Military Bandsman Bill Oddie - two for one really as it comes with makeup, handbag and a nice frock.

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