Beware the itchy anus

Allow me to post this as a warning to anyone who ignores the sharp irritating itch that grows round your rusty bullet if you dare to fail to wipe properly.

I had to snap off a reasonably quick one this morning, firm, semi solid and split into two veiny weetabix sized turds. As usual, I wiped once, inspected, saw that despite it feeling like a clean break the paper looked like I'd rubbed it on a half stuck jobbie mid crimp.

I sat back, forced more out until my socket puckered from over squeezing, a couple of quick wipes, then a check wipe. Confirmation that I'd over forced my hoop was evidenced by a couple blobs of blood on the bog paper, otherwise as clean as a new pin.

I pulled up my trolleys, content that my trumping rivet was spotless, sniffed my hands incase I'd touched musk during a wipe. Washed them and went about my business.

Later on in the day, a bit of driving, a meeting or two, some phone calls, no lunges or anything dung inducing and I found I had developed a severly itchy botty. A feeling similar to how you imagine someone trying to jam a pickled onion monster munch up your back eye might feel.

Through my jeans I had a relieving itch, prod and rummage round, sniff test again made me recoil in shock as it minged like the inside of an arse. A quick retreat to the gents revealed this:-

I have no idea how I managed to shart this blob of fizzy gravy into my kecks. No liquid, its like some fucker prairie dogged out of my hoop with a big brown chalk stick and crayoned on my shreddies.

Anyone else got shitty pant pics to share or stories of anal NDs without any signs, symptoms or signals?
"Itchy bum, surprise to come"

"Itchy Fairlead, Greek ship in port"
My wife refuses to buy me white undercrackers due to a number of repeat incidents of spilt gravy.
Congratulations on a truly magnificent and impressive display of underpant art.
I find a wet wipe soothes that itchy feeling.
No but top marks on your patriotic grundies. Actually, hang on a sec. I DO have a dit. So, this weekend just gone I had a platter of bread, meats and cheeses on Fri evening which was all jolly nice. Within the meat area I had those sliced German peppered salami fellows which I wolfed down as per usual with nay dramas. Fast forward to the next day and I'm curling out a bad boy fuelled by the aforementioned scoff plus a bottle of wine. All going swimmingly until I felt a small bean hanging off the back of my hoop which won't let go. This is odd particularly as I don't have a hairy hoop so a quick wiggle and it's gone. Or so I thought.

A quick wipe reveals the true horror. The fucker is clearly still there, or was, as it now all over the paper as well as my right paw. Gagging, I tried again only to find my shit fucking everywhere by which point I'm in a blind panic as I really don't know what's going on. I hightail it upstairs with my grollies around my ankles into the shower to sort myself out. Whilst under the shower, and cleaning the hoopal area vigorously, I'm aware of something hanging out of my arse by which point I'm truly terrified. I give it a tentative tug - all good - and then give it a proper pull and out comes what on first inspection looks lke a bloody tapeworm. Closer insepction reveals it be the fucking rind that goes round the edge of the salami that I'd eaten the night before. That was a first!
If you look really closely at the stain, you can see an image of the Madonna and Child...

Perhaps should have given them to a passing Mexican as an important religious relic?
Clearly you have succumbed to an anal pouch, a little pocket inside your over used rectum that stores up special little surprises and squeezes them out when you sneeze/cough/yawn!! The only solution is.....well there isn't one short of allowing a big,black general surgeon with hands like shovels stretch you until he can insert surgical implements and stitch up your botty-purse!! But that would involve a GA and we all know what happens to patients under anaesthetic (admit it all you medic types, we've ALL done it) especially if you're Adonis-handsome and hung like a donkey!

Save yourself the special moment of finding photos of your arse with retractors stuck into it all over facefuck and only buy brown pants from now on!!
A 'mate' of mine. Lets call him Dave was in the pub the other week for a full afternoon of moderately heavy drinking. After the 6th pint, he felt an urge to visit the bog. However, before he could lock the stall and shove his kecks down to his ankles, a tiny bit leaked out and deposited itself in his pants. When finished, he realised he couldn't wear them again, so he threw them into the bin next to the bog. Ignoring the full on stench leaking from the bin, he went back out and carried on drinking.

After about 15 minutes, the landlord came out holding a Asda carrier bag with the said underpants in and shouted, "Whoever left these in the shitter, fuck off you filthy cunt. I don't want you in my fucking pub!" I...erm Dave had a quick wet on his pint and said, "What a disgusting twat. You ought to ban them if you find out who it was." and went back to drinking.
My wife refuses to buy me white undercrackers due to a number of repeat incidents of spilt gravy.
Congratulations on a truly magnificent and impressive display of underpant art.
I find a wet wipe soothes that itchy feeling.
I end up using more wet wipes than the brats and they can also be used as for a semi posh wank
the wet wipes that is..not the kids
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