Beware the itchy anus

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Nov 17, 2011.

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  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    Allow me to post this as a warning to anyone who ignores the sharp irritating itch that grows round your rusty bullet if you dare to fail to wipe properly.

    I had to snap off a reasonably quick one this morning, firm, semi solid and split into two veiny weetabix sized turds. As usual, I wiped once, inspected, saw that despite it feeling like a clean break the paper looked like I'd rubbed it on a half stuck jobbie mid crimp.

    I sat back, forced more out until my socket puckered from over squeezing, a couple of quick wipes, then a check wipe. Confirmation that I'd over forced my hoop was evidenced by a couple blobs of blood on the bog paper, otherwise as clean as a new pin.

    I pulled up my trolleys, content that my trumping rivet was spotless, sniffed my hands incase I'd touched musk during a wipe. Washed them and went about my business.

    Later on in the day, a bit of driving, a meeting or two, some phone calls, no lunges or anything dung inducing and I found I had developed a severly itchy botty. A feeling similar to how you imagine someone trying to jam a pickled onion monster munch up your back eye might feel.

    Through my jeans I had a relieving itch, prod and rummage round, sniff test again made me recoil in shock as it minged like the inside of an arse. A quick retreat to the gents revealed this:-


    I have no idea how I managed to shart this blob of fizzy gravy into my kecks. No liquid, its like some fucker prairie dogged out of my hoop with a big brown chalk stick and crayoned on my shreddies.

    Anyone else got shitty pant pics to share or stories of anal NDs without any signs, symptoms or signals?
    • Like Like x 5
  2. did you inspect the turds for signs of intestinal parasites ?
  3. "Itchy bum, surprise to come"

    "Itchy Fairlead, Greek ship in port"
    • Like Like x 1
  4. are you wearing union flag underwear?
  5. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    Did I fuck, it stank, I wiped, paid my respects to it with a nod of the head and squint of the eye and flushed the brown trouts away to a watery grave.
  6. Looks like you need to eat more fibre!
  7. Nice pants
  8. You were butt fucked and now you've got a slack with it!
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    If you weren't such a stroke inventing wet pants I'd have visited you and left them on the working side of your face to wake up to :D
    • Like Like x 3
  10. My wife refuses to buy me white undercrackers due to a number of repeat incidents of spilt gravy.
    Congratulations on a truly magnificent and impressive display of underpant art.
    I find a wet wipe soothes that itchy feeling.
    • Like Like x 2
  11. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    I need to edit the title!

    Awesome, I'm going to steal and use that
  12. Forastero

    Forastero LE Moderator

    No but top marks on your patriotic grundies. Actually, hang on a sec. I DO have a dit. So, this weekend just gone I had a platter of bread, meats and cheeses on Fri evening which was all jolly nice. Within the meat area I had those sliced German peppered salami fellows which I wolfed down as per usual with nay dramas. Fast forward to the next day and I'm curling out a bad boy fuelled by the aforementioned scoff plus a bottle of wine. All going swimmingly until I felt a small bean hanging off the back of my hoop which won't let go. This is odd particularly as I don't have a hairy hoop so a quick wiggle and it's gone. Or so I thought.

    A quick wipe reveals the true horror. The fucker is clearly still there, or was, as it now all over the paper as well as my right paw. Gagging, I tried again only to find my shit fucking everywhere by which point I'm in a blind panic as I really don't know what's going on. I hightail it upstairs with my grollies around my ankles into the shower to sort myself out. Whilst under the shower, and cleaning the hoopal area vigorously, I'm aware of something hanging out of my arse by which point I'm truly terrified. I give it a tentative tug - all good - and then give it a proper pull and out comes what on first inspection looks lke a bloody tapeworm. Closer insepction reveals it be the fucking rind that goes round the edge of the salami that I'd eaten the night before. That was a first!
    • Like Like x 13
  13. Detail. Far too much detail.

  14. If you look really closely at the stain, you can see an image of the Madonna and Child...

    Perhaps should have given them to a passing Mexican as an important religious relic?
    • Like Like x 2