Best Wind Ups

#1
Hope this hasn't been done before however, here goes.
What's the best wind up you have done, had done to you or seen/heard of?
Have seen guys sent to the RSMs office with a pick helve and sealed envolope. Letter in envolope reads give me three weeks off or I'll batter you! :lol:
Another good one is dicoonecting a couple of wires in a circular saw and go to start it. Obviously it won't work, hand the circular saw to the sprog and say "the things fecked, try and jump start it" Then spend hours of fun watching the sprog run up and down the hanger pushing the saw! :lol:
 
#4
We sent a sprog down to the Guardroom at Waterbeach to service the D4* at the gate.
'Keys are at the Guardroom'

:)





Nuvver one, sent out a lad to get the antifreeze reading off the Iveco MDT..

He actually managed to come back with a reading too 8O Not bad for an aircooled truck





*Antiquated, totally dead bulldozer sat on a plinth
 
#6
Bessbrook. Brrrrrr.

The Bn Int Sect were a nosy lot, and started to get on the t*ts of the collators among the Lifers (a group of moustachio'd, well hard and anorak'd caballeros) there; constant queries to which there were no answers.....

The Lifers had an office (the fount of all knowledge) with one of those big computer terminal things in the corner. One fine Friday, by coincidence, most of the caballeros had planned on a few days fishing or hunting the snark or something. Whatever, most were going to be absent for a couple of days. In the day before the bomb-burst, a message appeared on the screen of the Big Green Screen, saying something like: LEVEL 7 UNBELIEVABLY TOP SECRET, NO DOWNWARD DISSEMINATION BELOW HQNI WHATSOEVER. REALLY, REALLY TOP SECRET. YOUR BALLS ARE ON THE LINE HERE followed by a dire warning from Agent 007 that BBK was going to be mortared on the Saturday or Sunday to come. SENSITIVE INFORMATION, NO REPEAT NO DISSEMINATION. NONE. THAT MEANS YOU, PANCHO VILLA.

Every Bn and Coy Int visitor was brought into the office and accidentally left alone with the Big Green Screen for a couple of minutes during the day; the visitors, each with a less plausible excuse for visiting and each sweating more visibly than his predecessor, would leave with a "no, nothing new on the horizon" message in his ears. Eventually, the CO tipped up, and the collator was seen to hurriedly notice and switch off the screen while the office big chief and Bn CO sipped tea and exchanged minor pleasantries. "Anything in about possible plans to attack this location?" "No, nothing, have another cookie". "Mmmm. I'm a bit worried about our exposure to the mortar threat. Keep me posted, would you?" "Absolutely. More tea?"

That weekend was the most peaceful that BBK ever knew, inside and outside the Mill. The collators caught up with all of their overdue collating, the caballeros caught a shrimp or two and got thoroughly wellied in Jennie Watts', Bangor, and the Bn spent a couple of comfortable days in cammed-up and dug-in positions around BBK waiting for the bad chaps to come calling. "I have a feeling", said the CO.

And nobody said a word on Monday.
 
#7
When member of RCT -
1. We used to send guys to get the keys for the Millies (they don't have one) and yes it was done to me as a NIG.
2. Sent NIG off to SSM for a 252 to charge the battery.
3. Sent NIG off to FAMTO Store for a long stand. Norman when they arrive bogs off for 20 mins, when he comes back, "Was that long enough for u"

When member of RAMC

1. Another medical unit (who shall remain nameless 'Cough' BMH Iserlohn) fashioned a posting order for a young married lad. Given to the guy on Fri PM and posting was short notice eg 2 weeks time - unfortunately the young lad sold his car and caravan over the weekend only to be told the posting order was fake on the Mon.....OOOps.
 
#8
Scene - Embarked Cdo Bty on board an RFA LSL on the way to an Autumn exercise in the N Sea and Baltic area.

One day under way, Battery orders list all the Nigs as having to take part in a Splash Target Coxwains course at following times...Steering and fall of shot correction 0900 First Aid 0930. I have photos of the guys lying on the aft deck pretending to steer the target and give fall of shot corrections onto themselves before the unusally large crowd of onlookers eventually give the game away that it is a wind up.

Whats a splash target? A large railway sleeper like piece of wood towed on a (long!) cable behind a ship, creating a large plume of spray which is used as a target by aircraft and ships weapons.

This was in 1984 for anyone wondering if there is evidence of themselves being had!
 
#9
The navy used to have a habit when in port at Valetta of sending their nigs off on a Malta Dog Shoot, telling them that the Malta Dog was a particularly vicious one, and they were to carry toilet roll wrapped around their hands; just in case...
 

Fugly

ADC
DirtyBAT
#10
One night, one of the lads trapped off with a female (quite good looking for his usual standards!), didn't do the dirty deed but got her phone number.

Next day, we texted him from a mates phone (who's number he didn't have) pretending to be her, only we said the battery for the number she gave him was flat and he could get her on this number. After several afternoon pints, we were eventually getting into basically what was unadulterated text sex with him, complete filth being exchanged in both directions. Promises were exchanged both ways of certain 'favours' to be done, and lewd acts that would be carried out.

It was at this point when we then texted him to say that the battery was now charged, and he could now text the original number.

Cue unsuspecting female getting a torrent of text sex from the supposedly "nice guy" she met the night before :twisted: :D
 
#11
Similar to your first one plant_life:


scene: wilds of afghanistan

Some concrete needs cutting with Makita 2-stroke circular saw. Lance jack grabs newly-arrived-in-theatre sprog and says to him

'Listen mate, go grab the makita to do such and such cut, it's f*&%ed tho, so yer gonna have to jump start it. The starter motor is shot. Just set the throttle at full and run with the blade on the ground, watch out it'll kick a fair bit tho...'

Cue all of us rolling around laughing for minutes as clueless billy scampers up and down pad with blade rolling along deck. He figured it out after that!!!
 
#12
Always send the crow to the biggest lad in the mealsmith bay for a specialist metalsmith "punch". Cue sore arm.
 
#13
Wouldnt - well hope not - work on everyone, have to pick the recipient with some care....

but a suitable soul once spent an entire morning, and part of the afternoon being sent from person to person (all previously briefed on the gag) looking for a crate of 'blank tracer' rounds for a forthcoming, night, field exercise...... and it had to be a special green tracer because any other colour would scare the sheep on the training area.

much hilarity and red-faced'ness ensued (Obviously depending upon which side of the joke you fell).
 
#14
A (straight) very nice but far too trusting young int.corps lance-jack fell foul of a reservist I know in Bosnia.

Over a period of weeks he exchanged emails with, he thought, the editor of Gay Times about some photographs, which could have been misinterpreted. He was under the impression that he was going to have to pay for an entire print run to be pulped, or else forfeit his career.

He was finally let off the hook as he set glumly off to meet a (fictitious) T V crew at the gate of the metal factory, who had come all the way from Austria to film a piece about gay weddings in the military.
 
#15
cdognr said:
Scene - Embarked Cdo Bty on board an RFA LSL on the way to an Autumn exercise in the N Sea and Baltic area.

One day under way, Battery orders list all the Nigs as having to take part in a Splash Target Coxwains course at following times...Steering and fall of shot correction 0900 First Aid 0930. I have photos of the guys lying on the aft deck pretending to steer the target and give fall of shot corrections onto themselves before the unusally large crowd of onlookers eventually give the game away that it is a wind up.

Whats a splash target? A large railway sleeper like piece of wood towed on a (long!) cable behind a ship, creating a large plume of spray which is used as a target by aircraft and ships weapons.

This was in 1984 for anyone wondering if there is evidence of themselves being had!
Remember it well...I also remember the tw*t who tried to disembark a land rover onto a Mexeflote when there was a "significant" difference in freeboard between flote and LSL!
 
#16
On exercise and was crossing from Brunei into Malaysia - two guys who had done the trip before told a couple of the young lads to slip some currency into their passports before handing it over the customs fellas - to ease their passage so to speak. Que pissed off looking customs bloke and slightly scared 19 year old having thoughts of Midnight Run. The customs guy played an unintentional blinder and casually flicked the bank notes back onto the counter in front of everyone. Lots of laughter followed by what ifs....
 
#17
Whiskybreath said:
The navy used to have a habit when in port at Valetta of sending their nigs off on a Malta Dog Shoot, telling them that the Malta Dog was a particularly vicious one, and they were to carry toilet roll wrapped around their hands; just in case...
WhiskeyB this is wierd....I'm sitting on a small rock in the Med (in between dashes to the ahem...sh1tter), with.....Malta Dog!
 
#19
I also recall the PTI who told the assembled P Coy nigs (while at that noxious hutted camp in the Beacons) that one of their number should conduct the next exercise, which would be joined in with by the Staff; he retired to the background and all looked to the assigned nig. He drew breath, told everyone to get down onto the right knee. All did so. "Left hand knuckle on left knee!" All complied. "You've got your worst enemy's head in a half-nelson with that arm!" Mmmm, interesting. "Raise your right hand above your head!" OK. In your right hand you have a knife! What are you waiting for? Give it to him with everything you've got!"

Nig got away with light contusions (it took most of the group about 30 seconds to click, though).
 
#20
The stores ones have to be the best though, simple effective and can be executed and over with for those boring naafi breaks.
Sparks for the angle grinder
Elbow Grease
Double punch
Left handed hammer
Longstand
Big Weight
DPM Paint
IR Invisibility Paint
Ratchet spanner clicks
Night time solar actuator
Funny thing is the stores seemed to stock all of this stuff, but when you went over for a 7/16" Spanner, fcuck all there stores are for storing ! or they would be called issues! :lol:
 
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