Best wind ups



I sent a nig to the med centre to get a bottle of dihydrous monoxide, got a phone call from MO asking what it was. Told him, the MO saw the funny side and made the nig wear full safety gear boots, chemical suit, respirator sign a safety data sheet.

Nig walks across the garrison holding jar very carefully. The whole regiment were peering out of windows and even the CO joined in.

BTW dihydous monoxide is another scientific name for water!!!

Nig did not see the funny side, when finally realised what it was. Though a couple of years later as a Lance Jack he performed the same trick on his nig, good man.
Rubber nails and bears arse are great ones, especially as they actually have these on 747's. Best one was sending an apprentice for a one d ten t, he actually wrote it on his hand


Having been aught out as a nig, one of the best i have witnessed was dreamed up by a Capt (LE) RLC before all the discipline changes. Said man is OIC of all RLC bods due to size of unit. One of which was a 10-12 yr Pte Chef. Pte X is an outstanding chef (cherry picked to work in Offr's mess obviously!!) but a permanent downgraed sole and never expecting promotion, was actually expecting a brown letter!

Pte X is called from mess to Station SSM. He is warned for orders (failing to fed the officers correctly, carry out his duties satisfactorily etc...), LCpl Smog given the job as escort next morning (at this point thinking is was gen up). SSM gives ya man a pep talk, "plead guilty, take it like a man, move on etc..."

Marched in with Escorts, mark time foe a wile and halt. OC starts to read the charge, now LCpl Smog has been in Pte X's position on several occasions, no MML, No QR's, something not right. OC reads evidence which is made up satemements from Officers. At the mention of the standard of his starter at a recent function, Pte X goes absolutely BatSh!t. Launches into one and goes for the Bosses desk, step forward escorts (much smaller than Pte X) Escorts and SSM finally get him out of office and into Crewroom.

Sm calms him down and then is told to toe the line. Pte X is having none of it, and says he will go to Court Martial if necessary. Marched back in and OC continues where he left of, and immediately finds him guilty. Then says to Pte X " On the charge of XYZ, i award you.....

Promotion to LCPL, congratulations", throws him a jumper chevron, Pte X faints on spot and ends up in Med centre!! Well, i laughed
A few from the Army School of Catering:-

Send new recruit to NAAFI for bags of bulling rings
Bags of Leg of Liver bones
Filleting Whitebait and told to keep the eyes for garnish
Chopping flour to make it finer
Throwing ground black pepper onto a flat top stove before cleaning it
Sending noob to the stores for a tin of chicken lips

I remember Floyd, who was an ex army catering corps officer (I think I only ever met one of them in 17 years service), talking about adding a ladle of 'Aldershot stock' to a meal he was creating.

It's water.
I remember Floyd, who was an ex army catering corps officer (I think I only ever met one of them in 17 years service), talking about adding a ladle of 'Aldershot stock' to a meal he was creating.

It's water.
Keith Floyd? I thought he was tanks, not catering.


Has anyone got more of these classics given to Squaddies?

Go to the QM's and get;
a long weight,
a bucket of steam,
a left handed screwdriver,
a new bubble for the spirit level,
"Some Tartan paint as the Scots Guards are coming to visit"
Some old classics there. Adult soldiers were mostly more switched on but I’ve know a couple of guys who when I was a boy soldier who were caught out by the long weight one in particular.

A 15 or 16 year old boy soldier would be told to go to the QM’s and sign out a long weight. On arriving at the stores, the young lad would make the request and the QM or storeman would say, “ok go and sit over there.”

An hour or two later, the now sheepish looking fellow would return to the lines and quietly sidle in and crack on with some admin while those in the know would be smiling broadly.

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