Best wind ups

#1
Whilst serving with a Scottish Inf Bn I phoned the SSA and pretended to be with a very bad German accent a local German Policeman. I informed the SSA that a chimpanzie had been stolen from a circus that was visiting the local town and that it was last seen being taken away by 2 persons wearing that particular Bns traicksuit and wanted him to do a search of the Bn to find the said chimp. I then phoned the local RMP station to get them in on the wind up which they were willing to do. The SSA then came into the Orderly Room and explained that he had a phone call from the GCP about a chimp that had been stolen and that they beleived that it was stolen by members of the Bn. I advised him to phone the RMP as they would know if a theft had taken place, this he did and the RMP told him that it had been reported and that if he found anything then they should be contacted straight away. The SSA then contacted the CSM's of all the Coys (they had also been let in on the wind up) to enquire about the missing chimp, one of the CSM's said that he had overheard two of his guys saying that they had spent the night with a monkey but assumed that they were taliking about a female RMP. The SSA then asked what room the guys lived in and then phoned the RMP's saying that he had caught the Chimp, the RMP's said that they would be straight round to collect the chimp. Prior to the arrival of the RMP's the RCMO phone the SSA and told him that he had bannanas on stand by for duty of care. When the RMP's arrived they took the SSA into the RSM's office where they arrested him for waisting police time (again part of the wind up).
The RSM gave the SSA a rifting and told him to leave his office and that he would speak with him later. All of the personnel who worked in BHQ were waiting outside to inform the SSA that it had been a wind up. He proceeded to run off to the Sgts' Mess were he was found 2 hours later watching beleive it or not a programme on TV about chimps. His nickname within the Bn from then on was bubbles.
 

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LE
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#2
Same story here: http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/Forums/viewtopic/t=106713/postdays=0/postorder=asc/start=60.html

Very funny :clap:

B_AND_T said:
Picture one quiet Friday morning in a Scottish Inf Bn in Fallingbostel.

The SSA at the time (Morning Mo!) receives a phone call from Herr Doddlesac (German, apparently, for Mr Bagpipes) who is an inspector with the local police force, stating that a monkey had been stolen from a visiting circus. Scottish soldiers were known to be in the area at the time. He had spoken to the Scots DG and they stated that none of their soldiers were down town at the time. So by a process of elimination the soldiers must have come from the Hldrs. Could the SSA look in to it and let him know!

Of course the SSA (Morning again Mr Shitty chest ( another story)) laughed it off and did nothing about it. Until, that is, he receives a phone call from the Reception Centre saying that the RMP were trying to get hold of him ref a Monkey! Now slightly unsure, the SSA (Mr Beef paste boots (I have so much on this bloke)) calls the telephone number and gets put through to the RMP in Fally, who confirm that indeed a monkey had been stolen and that they were investigating. His words were "Try and keep a straight face when your talking to a monkey about a monkey"

Now he is getting more worried, The GCP and RMP are involved and it has fallen at his door to take action. What happens next is an e-mail goes out to the CSM's, copied to the Adjt, stating that a monkey had been stolen and could they check the Company lines. Now this causes much merriment among the CSM's, who don't really like the SSA (Mr turd in a sleeping bag) and what goes from a small wind up starts to gather momentum. He gets a call from one of the CSM's telling him to speak to the Master Chef to have Banana's on stand by for when it's captured. Another CSM phones to say that he was sure he saw a monkey on another Coy's muster parade that morning. The SSA (honestly it was a heart attack) phones the CSM of the Coy to check this out. CSM informs him that he had heard one of his lads saying that he had shagged a monkey the night before but thought that perhaps an RMP chick had got lucky.

While all this is going on he is still getting calls from the GCP and RMP. Now he is starting to shit himself. He is starting to talk about this sort of thing ending peoples careers, how it will follow you for the rest of your life, bla de blah de blah. During a discussion with the RAOWO about his next step in this incident, the IO (Maj C) walks in and says he has received a phone call from the local newpaper ref a stolen monkey and did anyone know about it. His face was a picture, he went the colour of bread dough as the last 19 years of his military life flashed before his eyes.

He then receives a phone call from Serengetti Park (Local Safari park) saying they had a vet, armed with a rifle, to come in and shoot the monkey when it is found, as the monkey was in need of medication and if it didn't have it soon would start to get quite aggressive and be a danger to humans.

Now his poopy valve is going into over drive! It dawns on him that he is going to have to organise, with the help of RMP and GCP, an Armed German National onto camp. He does a quick check of the Company lines and starts to make phone calls.

What followed next was a master stroke, and also proved that the RMP have a sense of humour. He got a visit from the RMP who promptly handcuffed him and arrested him for wasting police time. He was eventually released into the hands of the RSM who gave him the bollocking of his life. Told him to stop monkeying around, that he wasn't paid peanuts and that the CO was going ape over the whole issue.

He left the RSM's office a broken man! Only to be met by the staff of RHQ giving him a round of applause. It was the first time I had heard him use the words "bunch of cunts" and mean it.

He disappeared after that and was later found in the TV room of the mess staring blankly at the TV. Which, with some irony, was showing a documentary about a zoo.

You probably had to be there, but at the time it was funny as fuck.
 
#3
Has anyone got more of these classics given to Squaddies?

Go to the QM's and get;
a long weight,
a bucket of steam,
a left handed screwdriver,
a new bubble for the spirit level,
"Some Tartan paint as the Scots Guards are coming to visit"
 
#4
Negligent-Discharge said:
Has anyone got more of these classics given to Squaddies?

Go to the QM's and get;
a long weight,
a bucket of steam,
a left handed screwdriver,
a new bubble for the spirit level,
"Some Tartan paint as the Scots Guards are coming to visit"
keys for the indoor mortar range.
Jump up and down on that 432 to test the suspension.
 

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LE
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#5
tattybadger said:
Negligent-Discharge said:
Has anyone got more of these classics given to Squaddies?

Go to the QM's and get;
a long weight,
a bucket of steam,
a left handed screwdriver,
a new bubble for the spirit level,
"Some Tartan paint as the Scots Guards are coming to visit"
keys for the indoor mortar range.
Jump up and down on that 432 to test the suspension.
A large Spur-Lash: When lad goes to collect it he gets a bucket of water thrown over him and everyone shouts SPLAAAASH!
 
#6
A few from the Army School of Catering:-

Send new recruit to NAAFI for bags of bulling rings
Bags of Leg of Liver bones
Filleting Whitebait and told to keep the eyes for garnish
Chopping flour to make it finer
Throwing ground black pepper onto a flat top stove before cleaning it
Sending noob to the stores for a tin of chicken lips
 
#8
Requires:
1 x Sledgehammer/Baseball Bat/Baton/Spade
1 x Letter & Envelope
1 x RSM
1 x Crow

Send the new lad to the stores with said object, but 1st ask him to drop a letter into the RSM first. Have bloke stood to attention with object as the RSM reads "Give me all your money/weeks leave or I batter you with this you cnut!"

Helps if the RSM has a sense of humour...
 
P

PrinceAlbert

Guest
#9
Ninja_Turtle said:
Requires:
1 x Sledgehammer/Baseball Bat/Baton/Spade
1 x Letter & Envelope
1 x RSM
1 x Crow

Send the new lad to the stores with said object, but 1st ask him to drop a letter into the RSM first. Have bloke stood to attention with object as the RSM reads "Give me all your money/weeks leave or I batter you with this you cnut!"

Helps if the RSM has a sense of humour...
The old ones are still the best :D
 
#10
Negligent-Discharge said:
Has anyone got more of these classics given to Squaddies?

Go to the QM's and get;
a left handed screwdriver,
OH yes, 92 doing A jobs on 14T, MT Sgt shouts, "Pte Smoggy, before you start, are you left handed"

Yes Sgt

Then you'll need a left handed S/Driver, nip to the CQ's and get some and grab a long weight whilst you're there :oops: :oops: On my return 45mins later, ambushed, balls shaved with rusty razor and no lubrication, and attempted shoving of Warsteiner bottle up the hoop, happy days :twisted:
 
#11
Sent a young, new VM to G10 to get some P155.
VM returns - 'G10 full screw wants to know what it looks like'.
Sent VM back with info that it's yellow and stinky.
VM returns - 'G10 full screw says he hasn't got any'.
 
P

PrinceAlbert

Guest
#12
I was at my 1st unit, working under the supervision of my stripey, who was a big Welsh body building nutjob. The conversation went something along the lines of

Nutjob: PA, go to the stores and get me a set of footprints
PA: Footprints?? Haha....as if.......nice try. I know I'm a nig, but I'm not daft.
Nutjob: No, really, they're stamps for marking GPMG barrels, go and get them please
PA: Haha, do one......I'm not falling for that old trick
*TW@T*.....hard......in the chest.........PA pulls himself off the wksp floor and dusts himself down.
Nutjob: I'm not asking you again!

PA to storeman: Do you have footprints in the store?????
Storeman: Yeah, what size do you want?


Who would've thunk it?!?!!
 
#13
I once sent a new LCpl to the Medical Centre in Thiepval Bks asking for a box of Fallopian Tubes.

That same LCpl was sent out onto the sports ptich with 2 mag lights on a foggy sunday morning to guide in the GOC's helicopter, he twigged after 30 minutes of waving his arms around that it was a wind up.

That same LCpl could often be seen walking around Thiepval Bks doing a 'Red Light Check' at 0300 hrs. This involved counting all the red lights on top of masts and towers to ensure they were all working, he did this every night shift at 0300 hrs for 3 months believing everybody else did the same.

Bless him. He signed off after only 3 years.
 
#14
Pick the largest and most aggressive looking knuckledragger that you can find and then send the newbie to Cpl Knuckledragger and ask about his sisters piano lessons.

CPl Knuckledragger goes into apoplexy and then through gritted teeth and very red and aggressive face asks the newbie if he is taking the urine because his sister has got no fecking hands. Very cruel but a good knuckledragger can usually get tears without applying any violence
 
#15
Slightly different circumstances, but an instructor mate of mine in the ambulance service was running a basic course which had an ex-squaddie on it.

Whilst running through the epilepsy part of the syllabus my mate comes out with the old "What do you do if someone is having a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing." joke.

Ex-squaddie puts on a face like thunder and says, "I don't find that very funny. My sister was epileptic and she had a fit in the bath once."

Ambo instructor thinks, "Oh fukc, that's me suspended pending investigation," and tries to redeem himself by showing sympathy.

"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend; is she OK?"

Ex-squaddie: "No, she's dead." pause.......

Instructor: (thinks) "Now I'm proper fukced."

Ex-squaddie: "She choked on a sock."
 
A

armadillo

Guest
#16
Had a nig rotating the rotor blades of a gazelle by hand, making him run fast so it could be bumped started.

Ha ha,
 
#17
Standing outside the workshop one day{cig break) a signaller full screw enters the compound and gives us all a load of abuse.
After he buggers off, we are looking at each other,wtf was that all about?
A young cfn says ' He sent some sprog round for a 13mm drill bit. We didn't have one so I gave him an 8mm and a 5mm drill bit and said that should be alright.
It was funny at the time.
 
#18
As a Junior Bleeder in the sixties, I fell for the usual assortment of wind-ups; Long stand, Rubber hammer, left handed screwdriver etc. So, as a nig Signaller in my Regt when I was asked to go to the Sig Stores for a couple of sky-hooks, I thought; "ye! F**ing right!" and took myself off for an early NAFFI break.

After wasting the better part of the morning idling in the NAFFI, my mates, starting to arrive for the official break, began giving me sh1t. "Where the fcuk have you been? Bdr Taff is going to rip you a new fcuking arris!" Turns out that there were such things as Sky-Hooks. They were used to hang don10 telephone wire in trees and other high places to get it over road junctions or just to get it off the ground in places where it might get damaged. :oops:

Ye! I know. I'm really giving my age away aint I? Don10 wire :? WTF? We really did run individual lines, from the CP, to each gun for Fire Control - using Tannoys FFS :wink: :D :D :D
 
#19
Not your mob but a good one all the same.

Cue Mr nig being told to take a wheelbarrow for it's annual inspection, the barrow had previously been camoe'd up and a full Vehicle Record made up for it complete with bogus inspections.

Plod, plod, plod, sets off the newbie pushing the barrow to the wksp, "Can't do it, go see the QM for the work ticket 1st", plod, plod, plod across the tank park up to the QM, "Nah son, you've got to get permission from the adjutant 1st". plod, plod, plod across the square, "What !!!" says the Adj "Go see the SSM". SSM " Bring the barrow up here son and let me see it 1st", plod, drag, drag, drag, plod, plod, as he pulls the barrow up 2 flights of stairs. "Oh, that one, yep it's a do'er, go get the work ticket from the QM", plod, plod, plod, plod ..............across the square.....across the tank park.....past 50 laughing nutters.
 
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