Best wind ups

Discussion in 'AGC, RAPTC and SASC' started by dumbstruck, Apr 7, 2009.

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  1. Whilst serving with a Scottish Inf Bn I phoned the SSA and pretended to be with a very bad German accent a local German Policeman. I informed the SSA that a chimpanzie had been stolen from a circus that was visiting the local town and that it was last seen being taken away by 2 persons wearing that particular Bns traicksuit and wanted him to do a search of the Bn to find the said chimp. I then phoned the local RMP station to get them in on the wind up which they were willing to do. The SSA then came into the Orderly Room and explained that he had a phone call from the GCP about a chimp that had been stolen and that they beleived that it was stolen by members of the Bn. I advised him to phone the RMP as they would know if a theft had taken place, this he did and the RMP told him that it had been reported and that if he found anything then they should be contacted straight away. The SSA then contacted the CSM's of all the Coys (they had also been let in on the wind up) to enquire about the missing chimp, one of the CSM's said that he had overheard two of his guys saying that they had spent the night with a monkey but assumed that they were taliking about a female RMP. The SSA then asked what room the guys lived in and then phoned the RMP's saying that he had caught the Chimp, the RMP's said that they would be straight round to collect the chimp. Prior to the arrival of the RMP's the RCMO phone the SSA and told him that he had bannanas on stand by for duty of care. When the RMP's arrived they took the SSA into the RSM's office where they arrested him for waisting police time (again part of the wind up).
    The RSM gave the SSA a rifting and told him to leave his office and that he would speak with him later. All of the personnel who worked in BHQ were waiting outside to inform the SSA that it had been a wind up. He proceeded to run off to the Sgts' Mess were he was found 2 hours later watching beleive it or not a programme on TV about chimps. His nickname within the Bn from then on was bubbles.
  2. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Same story here:

    Very funny :clap:

  3. Negligent-Discharge

    Negligent-Discharge LE Book Reviewer

    Has anyone got more of these classics given to Squaddies?

    Go to the QM's and get;
    a long weight,
    a bucket of steam,
    a left handed screwdriver,
    a new bubble for the spirit level,
    "Some Tartan paint as the Scots Guards are coming to visit"
  4. keys for the indoor mortar range.
    Jump up and down on that 432 to test the suspension.
  5. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    A large Spur-Lash: When lad goes to collect it he gets a bucket of water thrown over him and everyone shouts SPLAAAASH!
  6. A few from the Army School of Catering:-

    Send new recruit to NAAFI for bags of bulling rings
    Bags of Leg of Liver bones
    Filleting Whitebait and told to keep the eyes for garnish
    Chopping flour to make it finer
    Throwing ground black pepper onto a flat top stove before cleaning it
    Sending noob to the stores for a tin of chicken lips
  7. Some new Bow Locks.
  8. Requires:
    1 x Sledgehammer/Baseball Bat/Baton/Spade
    1 x Letter & Envelope
    1 x RSM
    1 x Crow

    Send the new lad to the stores with said object, but 1st ask him to drop a letter into the RSM first. Have bloke stood to attention with object as the RSM reads "Give me all your money/weeks leave or I batter you with this you cnut!"

    Helps if the RSM has a sense of humour...
  9. The old ones are still the best :D
  10. OH yes, 92 doing A jobs on 14T, MT Sgt shouts, "Pte Smoggy, before you start, are you left handed"

    Yes Sgt

    Then you'll need a left handed S/Driver, nip to the CQ's and get some and grab a long weight whilst you're there :oops: :oops: On my return 45mins later, ambushed, balls shaved with rusty razor and no lubrication, and attempted shoving of Warsteiner bottle up the hoop, happy days :twisted:
  11. Sent a young, new VM to G10 to get some P155.
    VM returns - 'G10 full screw wants to know what it looks like'.
    Sent VM back with info that it's yellow and stinky.
    VM returns - 'G10 full screw says he hasn't got any'.
  12. I was at my 1st unit, working under the supervision of my stripey, who was a big Welsh body building nutjob. The conversation went something along the lines of

    Nutjob: PA, go to the stores and get me a set of footprints
    PA: Footprints?? if.......nice try. I know I'm a nig, but I'm not daft.
    Nutjob: No, really, they're stamps for marking GPMG barrels, go and get them please
    PA: Haha, do one......I'm not falling for that old trick
    *TW@T* the chest.........PA pulls himself off the wksp floor and dusts himself down.
    Nutjob: I'm not asking you again!

    PA to storeman: Do you have footprints in the store?????
    Storeman: Yeah, what size do you want?

    Who would've thunk it?!?!!
  13. I once sent a new LCpl to the Medical Centre in Thiepval Bks asking for a box of Fallopian Tubes.

    That same LCpl was sent out onto the sports ptich with 2 mag lights on a foggy sunday morning to guide in the GOC's helicopter, he twigged after 30 minutes of waving his arms around that it was a wind up.

    That same LCpl could often be seen walking around Thiepval Bks doing a 'Red Light Check' at 0300 hrs. This involved counting all the red lights on top of masts and towers to ensure they were all working, he did this every night shift at 0300 hrs for 3 months believing everybody else did the same.

    Bless him. He signed off after only 3 years.
  14. Pick the largest and most aggressive looking knuckledragger that you can find and then send the newbie to Cpl Knuckledragger and ask about his sisters piano lessons.

    CPl Knuckledragger goes into apoplexy and then through gritted teeth and very red and aggressive face asks the newbie if he is taking the urine because his sister has got no fecking hands. Very cruel but a good knuckledragger can usually get tears without applying any violence
  15. Slightly different circumstances, but an instructor mate of mine in the ambulance service was running a basic course which had an ex-squaddie on it.

    Whilst running through the epilepsy part of the syllabus my mate comes out with the old "What do you do if someone is having a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing." joke.

    Ex-squaddie puts on a face like thunder and says, "I don't find that very funny. My sister was epileptic and she had a fit in the bath once."

    Ambo instructor thinks, "Oh fukc, that's me suspended pending investigation," and tries to redeem himself by showing sympathy.

    "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend; is she OK?"

    Ex-squaddie: "No, she's dead." pause.......

    Instructor: (thinks) "Now I'm proper fukced."

    Ex-squaddie: "She choked on a sock."