Best welsh jokes.

Ok, i'll stand by for a bit of incoming, or for this to get rapidly hoofed into the hole. But, a highly thought of welsh colleague is leaving the forces in the next few months and we are currently arranging her top table.
The guy nominated Mr Vice is on the traul for as many offensive welsh jokes as possible.
There has to be some belters available off here, so any assistance would be more than welcome.

WALES itself ????
What do you call a Welshman with a stick up his ARRSE?

A Taffy apple!
Wales - where men are men and sheep are frightened.

Q. What do you call a Welsh prostitute?
A. Baaaaaabara.

Q. What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A. Bixsexual

Why do the Welsh have children?
Instant friends!

Why do Welsh horses run so fast?
Because they have seen what the farmers do to the sheep!

What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?

What do you call a Welshman with 40 wives?
A shepherd!

What's brown and pink and comes out of a sheep's arse?
A Welshman's c0ck!

What's the most common lie a Welshman tells?
"I was only trying to help that sheep over the fence!"

A Welshman was counting his sheep.
"205, 206, 207, Hello darling, 208, 209......"

The Welsh farmer's wife gave him a plate of grass for his dinner.
"What the hell is this?" he screamed.
"Well," replied his wife, "If it's good enough for your girlfriend, then it's good enough for you!"

Why do Welshmen have sex with sheep on the edge of cliffs?
So that they push back harder!

What is the one thing that you can't get in Wales?
Virgin wool!

What's the best selling adult toy in Wales?
Inflatable sheep!

Why do Welshmen think sheep are better than women?
A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister!

The famous Welsh ship owner, Mr Lloyd, was having his house built on a large piece of land just outside Cardiff.
He said to the architect, "Don't disturb that tree over there because I had my first bit of sex under that tree!"
"How sentimental of you Mr. Lloyd," replied the architect, "That very tree huh?"
"Yep, that's right," continued Mr Lloyd, "And don't damage that tree on the other side because that's where her mother stood and watched me have my first bit of sex with her daughter!"
"What?" replied the architect, "Her mother just stood there and watched you have your way with her daughter?"
"Yep," said Mr Lloyd, "she sure did!"
"But Mr Lloyd," said the architect, "didn't she say anything?"
"Yes she sure as hell did," smiled Mr Lloyd, "She said BAAAAAAAAAA!"

A man and his wife were driving through Wales on their holidays when they suddenly saw a sign that said "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".
The husband attempts to say it, but his wife starts laughing and soon this turns into a argument, so much so that they decide to pull into the nearest motorway restaurant.
Finishing their meal, the wife can't help but question the waitress. "Excuse me miss," asked the wife, "but can you settle an argument between my husband and me? Can you pronounce the name of where we are, but very slowly please."
The cashier looks at the woman funny and says, "Sure, you are in Liiiiittttttllllleeeee Chhhhhheeeeefffff!"

Two Welshmen were rounding up their sheep when one of the ewes suddenly ran into a fence and got it's head stuck. The two men ran over to the fence and one of them said to the other, "Hey, boyo, this is too good an opportunity to pass up!"
The man unzipped his trousers, yanked out his cock and fucked the ewe for ten minutes until he finally came inside it. After he finished he looked at his friend and said, "That was bloody marvellous, mate. D'you fancy a go then?"
"Bloody right I do!" replied the other man, as he unzipped his trousers and stuck his head through the fence.

One day a travelling salesman was driving around rural Wales and decided to stay the night in a farmhouse. After enjoying a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turned to him and said, "What is it like for hiring a companion for the evening?"
"Well," replied the farmer, "I'm afraid there are not many women around these parts. But there's always Arthur........."
"Oh?" said the salesman, intrigued, "How much does he charge then?"
"It will cost you £100." replied the farmer.
The salesman thought for a minute then said, "That's a bit expensive!"
"Well," said the farmer, "the local magistrate takes out £40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things."
"Oh," answered the man, "so that's £40 for the magistrate and £60 for Arthur."
The farmer shook his head, "No, the local constable also takes £40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things!"
"Jesus," replied the salesman, "So the magistrate gets £40, the cop gets £40 that only leaves £20 for Arthur! Thats no way to make a living!"
The farmer shook his head again and said, "No - We pay Gareth and Dai £10 each to hold Arthur down, because he doesn't approve of that sort of thing either!"

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"
"No," replied the man, "I am from London."
"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"
You idle pair of cnuts. Dream up your own banter- if you're going to rip the p1ss out of someone in public at least have the decency to be original rather than trot out all the old favorites from the Bumper Book of Welsh Jokes (ahem- Knocker). They are just passé. We've heard them all plenty of times before.
Airborne_Aircrew said:
You idle pair of cnuts.
Hi Taff... :wink:

Have to agree with him it is idle as fcuk! but whens that ever stopped anyone?

Edited to add, she's also a hardcore swansea city fan so apart from that being a joke in itself plenty more ammunition left to play with.
I can take a joke without drama, I just don't see the point in recycling something that the victim (and most of the audience) will have heard a thousand times before. It just makes for dull speech.

If Mr Vice can't think up anything funny to say, even with crabmabb's "help"- and less face it, if he's trawling the internet for funny ideas he's probably as funny as colorectal cancer- then the junior officer/NCO in the mess should be culled until they find a Mr Vice who actually has a sense of humour.
crabmabb said:
Airborne_Aircrew said:
You idle pair of cnuts.
Hi Taff... :wink:

Have to agree with him it is idle as fcuk! but whens that ever stopped anyone?

Edited to add, she's also a hardcore swansea city fan so apart from that being a joke in itself plenty more ammunition left to play with.
Now your starting to wind me up, you see the trouble with england is that its full of engs.

Mind you one of my mates who normally comes out with all the sheep jokes and that "Whose coat is that jacket" stuff has decided its not funny and canned it lately. However this may be because I asked him to display his whole repetoir in a pub in Neath.

I've never seen anyone so pale


Book Reviewer
In other news, Welsh scientists have found two new uses for sheep.

Meat and wool.
Ok - 'ere goes isn't it, look you.

Dai Jones goes to see doctor Dai Jones...

"Avin' trouble with the bowels isn't it" Says Dai.

"Well" says the doc "What are your 'eatin 'abits Dai - 'ave yew got an 'ealthy diiiiet like"

"Oh ay" says Dai "Get up in the mornin' 3 eggs, 3 sausage, 4 rashers of bacon, black puddin', mushrooms, 2 bits of fried bread, hash browns, beans. ....... then a plate of kedgeree - 'cos I likes a bit of 'addock see ... porridge, few cups of coffee an' it's off to work down the pit - isn't it ....

.....tea break at about 10 see - 'av a few cups an' a bacon sandwich and a slice of Blodwen's Bara Brith - lovely ......

..... lunch time I usually nip down the local with the boys - 'av about 5 pints - pie with each - then stop at the chippy on the way back - 'cos I like a bit of 'addock see.......

By dinner time I'm a bit peckish isn't it - usually stop off at the chippy for a bit of an appetiser - I really do like a bit of 'addock. Then it's home to a nice roast with all the trimminz and a nice apple crumble after......

Most nights I'll be out with the darts team down the Green Dragon see - pace myself usually - can't be too careful I always say isn't it - keep it down to about 11 pints - pie with each. Chippy on the way 'ome - 'cause I likes a bit of 'addock see"

Blodwen's always got a nice bit of supper waiting for me bless 'er"

"I think I know what your problem is Dai" says doctor Jones - "drop your pants and bend over"

Dai obliges and the doc says "Ah - just as I thought Dai - you've only got the one arssehole isn't it!"

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