Best way to silence a yapping little fcuking dog.

#1
Hypothetical of course.

Not saying there is.....but if there was a little annoying bastid of a yapping,gobby arsewipe of a canine ( terrier size )that keeps me awake at night,and generally winds me up to bloody distraction....what is the best way to get rid of the thing.

Hypothetically I have already fired at it with a BB gun that causes it to emit pleasing yelps....and hypothetically thrown lumps of concrete at it to no avail.The official complaint to the council has done nothing.

This for a mental exercise as such....not that I would act on said event...


Few Houses away,cannot get a clear line of shot from my house due to trees,dog is in the fenced ( 6ft chainlink )back garden that backs onto a school that is totally unlit at night...would not like to use anything indescriminate due to amount of nearby neighbours pets that do not cause problems.
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#3
 
#4
Assuming it were you of course, you could try broken glass mixed into a lump of steak. Failing that go and find a 5 year old kid (about Maddie's size) chew a few pieces out of her head and dump her body in next door's garden. He'll be put down before you can say 'stitch up'.
 
#6
Had a similar problem a couple of years ago, I did not try this but apparently it works.

Coolant fluid for a car apparently tastes like the mutts nuts to dogs according to someone on here and it's fatal. So a bowl of that through the fence and job jobbed as they say...
 
#8
Dognap the little blighter and take it to the dog sanctuary, pretend it's your's and that you don't want it anymore so your putting it up for rehoming. Leave false name and address then enjoy yap free life.
 
#9
 
#10
BaldBaBoon said:
Hypothetical of course.

Not saying there is.....but if there was a little annoying bastid of a yapping,gobby arsewipe of a canine ( terrier size )that keeps me awake at night,and generally winds me up to bloody distraction....what is the best way to get rid of the thing.

Hypothetically I have already fired at it with a BB gun that causes it to emit pleasing yelps....and hypothetically thrown lumps of concrete at it to no avail.The official complaint to the council has done nothing.

This for a mental exercise as such....not that I would act on said event...


Few Houses away,cannot get a clear line of shot from my house due to trees,dog is in the fenced ( 6ft chainlink )back garden that backs onto a school that is totally unlit at night...would not like to use anything indescriminate due to amount of nearby neighbours pets that do not cause problems.
The problem requires cunning and a bit of planning, my friend.

We had much the same dilemma when we moved to Cottbus in the former East Germany.

Once we'd (I'd) had something like seven weeks of this Labrador mix robbing us (and everybody else) of sleep every night, I snuck out in my ally SAS black overalls in the dead of night, armed with a catapult and 200 rounds of 8 mm steel ball-bearings. From 23:00 hours until around 04:00 hours, I zapped the fücker every time he started to howl. A total of about 70 times (including the times that I missed). Result!!! He learned and never howled again.

Just a thought.

MsG
 
#11
Feed it cheese (the smellier the better) through the fence. The resultant farting will make the dog's owners get shot of it.
 
#12
BaldBaBoon said:
Hypothetical of course.

Not saying there is.....but if there was a little annoying bastid of a yapping,gobby arsewipe of a canine ( terrier size )that keeps me awake at night,and generally winds me up to bloody distraction....what is the best way to get rid of the thing.

Hypothetically I have already fired at it with a BB gun that causes it to emit pleasing yelps....and hypothetically thrown lumps of concrete at it to no avail.The official complaint to the council has done nothing.

This for a mental exercise as such....not that I would act on said event...


Few Houses away,cannot get a clear line of shot from my house due to trees,dog is in the fenced ( 6ft chainlink )back garden that backs onto a school that is totally unlit at night...would not like to use anything indescriminate due to amount of nearby neighbours pets that do not cause problems.
As the owner of 2 terriers (1 Westie, 1 Westie/ Yorkie cross), I would hypothetically burn you out of your house if you tried to harm them. If you and your family died writhing in agony, then so much the better.

You fcuking prick.
 
#13
Bugsy said:
BaldBaBoon said:
Hypothetical of course.

Not saying there is.....but if there was a little annoying bastid of a yapping,gobby arsewipe of a canine ( terrier size )that keeps me awake at night,and generally winds me up to bloody distraction....what is the best way to get rid of the thing.

Hypothetically I have already fired at it with a BB gun that causes it to emit pleasing yelps....and hypothetically thrown lumps of concrete at it to no avail.The official complaint to the council has done nothing.

This for a mental exercise as such....not that I would act on said event...


Few Houses away,cannot get a clear line of shot from my house due to trees,dog is in the fenced ( 6ft chainlink )back garden that backs onto a school that is totally unlit at night...would not like to use anything indescriminate due to amount of nearby neighbours pets that do not cause problems.
The problem requires cunning and a bit of planning, my friend.

We had much the same dilemma when we moved to Cottbus in the former East Germany.

Once we'd (I'd) had something like seven weeks of this Labrador mix robbing us (and everybody else) of sleep every night, I snuck out in my ally SAS black overalls in the dead of night, armed with a catapult and 200 rounds of 8 mm steel ball-bearings. From 23:00 hours until around 04:00 hours, I zapped the fücker every time he started to howl. A total of about 70 times (including the times that I missed). Result!!! He learned and never howled again.

Just a thought.

MsG
You are Chuck Norris and I claim my £5.....
 
#14
I heard that two Asprins work I was told that they are almost like instant death the them how ever this would be very crule to said animal and totaly out of order. I also heard that it works on cats.
 
#15
A bit of lead behind the ear works wonders I'm told.

+1 on the coolant or so I've heard, inject it into some sausages, airmail it over the fence...job done.
 
#16
I heard a story in Hohne; a dog scared the life out of a kid by rushing up to the gate and barking as the kid walked past.

The next day the father walked past the same gate and the dog barked at him.

SURPRISE!

The dog was not expecting daddy to have a Taser!!

Never again did that dog rush up to the fence and bark at passers by!! :)

Problem solved.
 
#17
Two methods.

1) Make friends with the owners, saying that you're looking to go on long walks in the mornings and offer to take their dog out every day. Slowly teach the dog to run alongside you on the lead and eventually off the lead.
Let the dog go in a local park and go to the owners house and say he slipped the lead. The dog will arrive home OK because you've taught him the way home.
Do this for a few more weeks and then take the yapping barstard to the local park and hold it's head under the water until it drowns.
Go back and tell them that their dog slipped the lead and ran off ...again. But you're sure it will find it's way home. Act very concerned. Dog is eventually found in the lake. Send flowers by way of an apology.
Job jobbed.

2) Buy the little pardner a doggy jacket to keep him warm as he's out all day. Say it was from a dog you had that died a couple of years ago and that you'd like to see it put to good use. Make sure it has lots of little metal rings or loops of tape sewn to it.
Buy about a dozen helium balloons with snap clips tied on in prepapration for stage two. Clip them to the dogs jacket in the evening (remember that the nights are drawing in now) or when no one's looking and let it go. It would be a good idea to test the lifting power of the balloons first, allow about 10% extra for a cold day as the balloons might contract a bit.
Video it for youtube.
It'll come down eventually. Hopefully you're near the coast with a wind blowing offshore at the time of the 'flight' and with any luck it'll land in the drink.
 
#18
jimmys_best_mate said:
Chuck a family bar of Dairy Milk in with it, chocolate's poisonous to dogs.
Askipedia.com said:
Unfortunately for dogs chocolate tastes really, really good, but chocolate is not really poisonous, not like cyanide. That doesn't change the fact that it can kill your dog. It is theobromine that is harmful to dogs, if you can find chocolate without it you'll have the happiest dog in town. Theobromine is a stimulant found in the coca plant. People often get theobromine confused with caffeine, while they have similar effects, eating a piece of chocolate will not give a human the rush a cup of coffee does. Chocolate will still give a sugar rush, but don't eat it if you're up late studying for an exam.

Dogs and horses are greatly affected by theobromine. Chocolate is a banned substance in horse racing because of the boost it will give to the horse. Of course a horse can still eat too much of it, like a dog, but they're significantly bigger animals and it would take much more chocolate.

Your dogs system will try to purge itself of the theobromine if it gets enough of it. One tiny piece won't cause any significant damage, unless your dog eats a shoe while 'high' on chocolate. You'll notice if they've had too much. Aside from the dog crying it will be vomiting and have diarrhea. If you notice these symptoms you should have your animal checked out immediately. Your dog will probably not die from these symptoms, they are just warning signs. The concern comes from the dog's heart, especially if it is an older dog. The dogs heart my beat too fast and just give out, that's the real danger. An increased heart rate will probably come after the vomiting and diarrhea, when more theobromine has had a chance to be absorbed into the blood steam. Other signs to watch for are increased urination (another method the body will use to purge itself of something), muscle twitching, and excessive panting. Chocolate could kill your dog, cause seizures or put it in a coma, so be careful.

The amount of chocolate that will harm your dog will vary depending on the size, age, health of your dog, and the type of chocolate. Baker's chocolate has much more theobromine than regular milk chocolate. There's not much else to why it will kill your dog, there are lots of things that will kill dogs, or humans, or any other animal. Too much caffeine can be fatal to humans, you'll never drink enough to kill you at one time so don't fret.

I think these dogs may be immune to theobromine.
http://members.tripod.com/~Chocolates/guide_dogs.html
So the answer is to buy a bar of Green&Blacks posh dark chocolate with something like 90% cocoa solids. Proceed to feed to said dog and watch his little ticker burst like an over ripe tomato.

Hypothetically you'll have to let us know how is goes, as a theoretical exercise.


FBG.
 
#19
I also do not encourage the use of anti-freeze, as it will cause a painful death.

I hadn't thought of injecting anti-freeze into sausages, I'm sure it would be a very effective delivery method, but again it will result in a slow painful death.
 
#20
That's fückin' 'orrible, ladesses an' lads! You all seem to be advocating topping the dog, when it's not its fault at all! Redirection and re-education is the way. Otherwise the owners are just going to get a new dog that'll probably do just the same.

MsG
 

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