Best way to fake own death. Advice please.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Placebo, Sep 2, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. An old friend- let's call him John Smith- has a temporary problem that requires the most permanent of solutions. He needs to disappear so as to avoid a certain over zealous prosecutor and a few other characters who answer to various names like "Blade," "Hook" and most ominously, "Rip the Current."

    Last time he tried to fake his death, he pushed his car into a ravine with the intention of setting it own fire. Alas, he forgot to bring a box of matches with him. By the time he got back to the scene to start what he hoped would be a fiery blaze, the police were already there and the whole thing was ruled an accident.

    If this sounds like a desparate attempt to get a storyline going for a play at my community theatre: it is.

    Help me out. What would be a realistic way to fake a death?
     
  2. go canoeing
     
  3. Jump into a sports holdall and padlock yourself into it ..................................




    Damn someone beat me to that
     
  4. Hold your breath and hope they decide not to hold an autopsy!
     
  5. Gremlin

    Gremlin LE Good Egg (charities)

    Take the ferry to France.
     
  6. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    A) Buy a tropical island and a natty helicopter. Extract DNA from a fly embedded in amber. Build a tranny saurus Rex. Shout "Look. Its some cows to eat". Throw your shoes into his footprints as he runs to look. Call the Rozzers using a foreign accent. Sorted.

    B) Shoot yourself in the head, because its only the Matrix, innit?
     
  7. Get in touch with some clever chaps from Nigeria. They can fake anything there.
     
  8. well clearly something that involves the disappearance of a body.... so it's either smearing some blood around the snout of a rabid badger or a boating accident of some kind.
     
  9. Grownup_Rafbrat

    Grownup_Rafbrat LE Good Egg (charities)

    Say you're going for a swim, leave a pile of clothes on the beach and leg it to Australia using the name of a child who died years ago?


    Worked for John Stonehouse. For a while.
     
  10. Be born into The Establishment, acquire Sensei status in the ancient art of brasscandlestick, cave your nanny's head in whilst under the mistaken impression that she's your wife, go on the lam to RSA and spend the rest of your life hiding on old Pinky's estate.

    How hard can it be, it worked for Lucan?
     
  11. Gremlin

    Gremlin LE Good Egg (charities)

    So you missed the reference to disappearing on a Ferry then?
     
  12. reveal that WMD claims by the government were false and the war they started was illegal, then go for a walk by the woods...
     
  13. Why fake it? Shoot yourself in the face.
     
  14. Think that nowadays the police are wise to this sort of pavlova, so your mate is gonna have to do something to make his disappearance believable - for example leave a leg or other limb in a bin, or perhaps his bedroom, making it look like he's been subjected to a horrific crime.
     
  15. Dress as a small girl and visit Portugal.