Best way of f***ing with the neighbour

#1
I live in a small residential block in a quiet bit of west London. During the summer an absolute arsehole moved in downstairs. He is about 20, doesn't work, doesn't study, and has become the bane of my life.

Chief among his many offences is noise; he favours music of the 'urban' persuasion at any time of the day or night. Because his shit-headed mates all still live with their parents they are there all the fucking time, listening to this dreadful cacophony, getting off their heads on skunk and shouting over said music.

I've done the adult thing and knocked on his door a couple of times to talk it over with him; as it happens he's not personally unpleasant, but it made bugger-all difference. I've become steadily less friendly, moving through stamping on the floor to complaining to the building manager, who sympathises but can't do much beyond passing on my grievances to the letting agent and landlord involved.

Classic noise-based retaliation is out; I can't go to work leaving the stereo to play Wagner on repeat because it would bother the lady upstairs, who is quiet as a church mouse. What should I do? Angles of attack include his copious drug use and the fact, recently discovered, that he is on JSA and housing benefit (I'd previously assumed his parents paid his rent).

Humourous/abusive replies expected, but if anyone knows a legal, vindictive means of getting even I'd love to hear it.
 
#2
Serious answer - Get the local council involved regarding the noise nuisance.

Normal default answer - Move to a more upmarket area you pikey cunt.
 
#4
I had a similar drama with the untermenschen that lived above my mother. Loud music all the time went on for over 18 months. Council served them orders etc etc etc but didn't have a effect. Manage to catch the male occupant by himself when I had two colleagues with me. The next 5 minute conversation didn't turn out well for him and there was no further dramas with the music.

Failing that all the takeaway fliers that are pushed through your door, phone everyone of them, from a call box or a pre-paid sim card, and get them to deliver to his house. Doesn't solve the problem but it satisfying.

Failing both of them just give the cunt a shoeing and shove his stereo up his colon.
 
#6
Sensible suggestion. Keep a diary of the noise issues for a period of two weeks, noting exact start/stop times and give details or relative noise levels, i.e. equivalent to etc. once done, contact your local authority environmental health dept who, in accordance with the EA 90 should investigate the issue as a statutory nuisance. They will then write to him telling him to reduce the noise or he can be issued with a noise abatement notice.

Alternatively, a brown bag full of dog shit set alight is another idea.


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#13
Tell the Police you saw Gary Glitter in and out of there several times last week.
 
#16
Doggy way, seeing he is a bloke !
 
#17
Depending on what the demographic makeup of the area is; create posters for BNP/radical islamists using his address and stick them up all over the place.
 
#18
When you say he is downstairs does that mean directly underneath you?

If so then an accidental water leak or even better a sewage leak through the floor into his bedroom could probably be arranged with a bit of thought.

Buy a bit of steel plate and a largeish hammer. Lay the plate on the floor over his bedroom and beat fuck out of it at odd times of the day and night. Blame poltergeists if he compains.

Throw a bucket of battery acid at his door and leave a note from "Big Dave" saying he hasn't paid for his last load of drugs.

Either that or just shoot him in the face next time you see him.
 
#19
You either knock on his door & knock him out?
Or if he's from another country ring the borders agency.
And local police mention firearms or drugs, that may sought it out!

Remember dont get angry, get even!
 
E

exmunkey

Guest
#20
Sensible suggestion. Keep a diary of the noise issues for a period of two weeks, noting exact start/stop times and give details or relative noise levels, i.e. equivalent to etc. once done, contact your local authority environmental health dept who, in accordance with the EA 90 should investigate the issue as a statutory nuisance. They will then write to him telling him to reduce the noise or he can be issued with a noise abatement notice.

Alternatively, a brown bag full of dog shit set alight is another idea.
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As above but call out the EHO every time there is late night noise, they have an out of hours number and their log will support your diary

Bag of dog shit only works once but superglue and locks is a gift that keeps on giving, don't advise you go that course as you will be the prime suspect
 

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