Best way of f***ing with the neighbour

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Krek_Brizzle, Nov 17, 2012.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I live in a small residential block in a quiet bit of west London. During the summer an absolute arsehole moved in downstairs. He is about 20, doesn't work, doesn't study, and has become the bane of my life.

    Chief among his many offences is noise; he favours music of the 'urban' persuasion at any time of the day or night. Because his shit-headed mates all still live with their parents they are there all the fucking time, listening to this dreadful cacophony, getting off their heads on skunk and shouting over said music.

    I've done the adult thing and knocked on his door a couple of times to talk it over with him; as it happens he's not personally unpleasant, but it made bugger-all difference. I've become steadily less friendly, moving through stamping on the floor to complaining to the building manager, who sympathises but can't do much beyond passing on my grievances to the letting agent and landlord involved.

    Classic noise-based retaliation is out; I can't go to work leaving the stereo to play Wagner on repeat because it would bother the lady upstairs, who is quiet as a church mouse. What should I do? Angles of attack include his copious drug use and the fact, recently discovered, that he is on JSA and housing benefit (I'd previously assumed his parents paid his rent).

    Humourous/abusive replies expected, but if anyone knows a legal, vindictive means of getting even I'd love to hear it.
  2. Serious answer - Get the local council involved regarding the noise nuisance.

    Normal default answer - Move to a more upmarket area you pikey cunt.
    • Like Like x 7
  3. It is an upmarket area. That's half the reason it's so fucking annoying.
  4. I had a similar drama with the untermenschen that lived above my mother. Loud music all the time went on for over 18 months. Council served them orders etc etc etc but didn't have a effect. Manage to catch the male occupant by himself when I had two colleagues with me. The next 5 minute conversation didn't turn out well for him and there was no further dramas with the music.

    Failing that all the takeaway fliers that are pushed through your door, phone everyone of them, from a call box or a pre-paid sim card, and get them to deliver to his house. Doesn't solve the problem but it satisfying.

    Failing both of them just give the cunt a shoeing and shove his stereo up his colon.
    • Like Like x 6
  5. Phone the confidential line to report a benefit dodger, they will be on him like a rash!
  6. Sensible suggestion. Keep a diary of the noise issues for a period of two weeks, noting exact start/stop times and give details or relative noise levels, i.e. equivalent to etc. once done, contact your local authority environmental health dept who, in accordance with the EA 90 should investigate the issue as a statutory nuisance. They will then write to him telling him to reduce the noise or he can be issued with a noise abatement notice.

    Alternatively, a brown bag full of dog shit set alight is another idea.

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
    • Like Like x 1
  7. It can't be too upmarket as you live in a flat and have neighbours.
    • Like Like x 8
  8. Report him to the filth for running a crack house. Say there are underage types in and out of there.
    • Like Like x 5
  9. I like the idea of shopping him for benefit fraud. Can this come back on me in any way? Can the report be construed as vexatious?
  10. Use a throwaway mobile and affect an Ian Paisley accent.
    • Like Like x 2
  11. I do not live in fucking Brentford!
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Tell the Police you saw Gary Glitter in and out of there several times last week.

  13. No one "lives" there, it's more of a drab existence. You could always move to Hounslow.