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Best Thing you ever said to your ASM and got away with?

#1
Coming off a 4 week exercise having been pissed about by the ASM for signing off whilst he was on leave, as Chief Clerk of the LAD I was opening the mail during the ASM's post-ex debrief with the 2 AQ's I looked up and calmly stated to the ASM "Well you haven't got your commission this time round Sir!" You could have heard a pin drop as the ASM frantically searched through the Commissioning Board Results. Debrief finished quite quickly and he went off to the mess to get pissed. Funny thing was that I was then his bestest mate when it came down to sorting out his resettlement and gardening leave. Sorry Tom!
 
#2
When I was in Bn, I was infront of the RSM for a misdemeanour. After the usual verbal bollocking and stick waving, I started to smirk.

He put his pace stick right to my nose and said "There's a cnut at the end of this stick"

To which I replied " Not my end Sir!"

Well, fcuk me, I never heard a man shout as loud as that since!

Pmsl
 
B

Bottleosmoke

Guest
#3
Pyrex said:
When I was in Bn, I was infront of the RSM for a misdemeanour. After the usual verbal bollocking and stick waving, I started to smirk.

He put his pace stick right to my nose and said "There's a cnut at the end of this stick"

To which I replied " Not my end Sir!"

Well, fcuk me, I never heard a man shout as loud as that since!

Pmsl
Not you as well?
 
#4
Pyrex said:
When I was in Bn, I was infront of the RSM for a misdemeanour. After the usual verbal bollocking and stick waving, I started to smirk.

He put his pace stick right to my nose and said "There's a cnut at the end of this stick"

To which I replied " Not my end Sir!"

Well, fcuk me, I never heard a man shout as loud as that since!

Pmsl
Old as the hills that one..........replace cunt with anything found on the sole of your boot and its still the same :roll:
 
B

Bottleosmoke

Guest
#5
I once said "It was like that when i signed for it"

After delivering a K60 or somesuch other similar powerpack with a broken firewire, due to me putting the restraining strap right on it.
 
#6
ASM 5 Armd Wksp asked me why I left work 5 minutes early, when we were at a pissup the same evening. I told him to F--k off and instantly offered him a drink. Doddle...
 
#9
RSM
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD 2 JNCOs THAT DID WHAT YOU 2 DID ON MY PARADE?
Me Severe Reprimand Sir
My Oppo Very Severe Reprimand Sir
RSM NO EXTRAS THEN SGT
Me None at all Sir
My Oppo None Sir
THEN GET OUT OF MY OFFICE AND SEND YOUR SSI UP TO SEE ME!
We did, he got five and a bigger REPRIMAND than us.
TB
 
#10
After being dragged into the ASM's office for being late for work one morning, the following exchange took place.

ASM: Why are you late?

Me: Car wouldn't start Sir.

ASM: Your car is not that old, why wouldn't it start?

Me: I wasn't in it Sir.

ASM: At least your honest, best one I've heard for a while..take 3 extras.

Me: Thank you Sir.
 
#11
Me: Another beer mate?
ASM: Yeah rude not to
Me: Two beers please
Barmaid: OK
Me: Do you remember that munter that used to hang around Pompidou's in Detmold? Sabrina? That blonde bit I used to rag now and then? Liked it up the arrse?
ASM: I married her
Me: Do you want a chaser with that beer mate?
 
T

the_mentalist

Guest
#12
The RSM caught me pi$$ing in the sink in the Mess during a comfort break at a reggie dinner, not being amused at what he saw, he invited me to his office on monday morning for an interview without coffee.

RSM "Well man....explain yourself"

Me "Sir it wasn't what it looked like, I wash washing my c*ck"

He gave me a disbeliving look and told me to get the flock out off his office, not even a bottle of port. Oh how I laughed
 
#13
I was sent to Kenya on pre advance party over Christmas, with the battalion joining us in January. Unfortunately the exercise was cancelled (what a blow). On arriving back in the LAD at around 07.00 the ASM said ‘ah glad your back CPL Blar take the day off and be back here first parade. I reply ‘I think not sir the CO has given us two weeks leave.’ With that I minces off on leave. ASM never said a word then or after.
 
#14
Med man 89/90 3RTR & RIR Iwas taking the place of the 3 RTR staffy as he was doin driving tests back in BAOR for Div, I was FRG 33 some sniveling CSM grassed me up to the RSM telling him the SGT Recy mech was on the piss with the lads in the JRC we had the crates stacked up for last orders and he was orderly officer, I had met up with some old fullscrew recymech mates no more said, he asked what time we were leaving I said look at the table you muppet, next day at breakfast in the mess he moved towards me like a sidewinder and said RSM wants to see you 1300 hrs, shitttt waht the fcuk did I do last night apart from calling this weasel a muppet, off to RSM I went pristine kit, he asked was I drinking in the JRC last night YES SIR I WAS, he looked at me looked at the creep and spluttered what, YES SIR I WAS , he couldnt believe i told the truth, why? he asked I said I thought JRC stood for Johns Recovery Club fcuk knows how i got out of there, he said what unit are you FRG33 on det to the 3rd of TRK sir, Sgt leave here now if you want to drink i the JRC we can arrange it, Get My drift, he was talking to my dust, ex VMA john remember that, all the 3rd of TRk sncos SSMs used to shout over to me oi john you off to the JRC tonight the sniveling twatttttttttt when red in the head and nearly dropped dead,
 
T

the_mentalist

Guest
#16
A former Corps ASM (who I will not name) lifted me for not having a TRF on my shirt.

ASM: Why have you not got a TRF on your shirt Cpl?

Me: I wasn't issued with one Sir.

ASM: They are only 75p go and buy one.

Me: I havn't got any money 'till the end of the month Sir.

ASM: Fcuking standards!

At which point he walked away chuntering to himself and I dashed smartly to the Coprs Museum to buy a couple :x
 
#17
CSM A**s 7Fd: Yabber, yabber, blah, blah, blah etc.......
Cfn VMA: Can you charge me for what I'm thinking?
CSM: Eh? What? - No you fool.....
Cfn VMA: Well I think you're a cnut...

Heard that one in a few meses over the years.
 
#18
One in reverse order but it still makes me laugh to think about it:

I had not long arrived as the ASM of a large (and now defunct) Air Defence Regt Workshop and was sat behind my desk doing something ASM like. Following a knock on the door, in marched the most junior Crafty in the Wksp; very smartly turned out clutching a transit envelope and a fire axe!

"Important message for you Sir" said the young man, handing me the envelope.

I opened the envelope to find the following note:

GIVE ME THE DAY OFF OR I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD YOU BASTARD!

Que much pretend rage at the young man who left my office in a hurry claiming innocence, whilst the 2AQs could be heard roaring with laughter down the corridor!
 
#19
dinosaur said:
One in reverse order but it still makes me laugh to think about it:

I had not long arrived as the ASM of a large (and now defunct) Air Defence Regt Workshop and was sat behind my desk doing something ASM like. Following a knock on the door, in marched the most junior Crafty in the Wksp; very smartly turned out clutching a transit envelope and a fire axe!

"Important message for you Sir" said the young man, handing me the envelope.

I opened the envelope to find the following note:

GIVE ME THE DAY OFF OR I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD YOU fatherless!

Que much pretend rage at the young man who left my office in a hurry claiming innocence, whilst the 2AQs could be heard roaring with laughter down the corridor!
Ive seen this one done with a bag of nails and a hammer.... Give me leave or ill nail your hands to the table.
A saw..... Ill saw your hands off.
A sledge hammer...... Ill knee cap you.

Always a good laugh but takes a while to clean the pile of sh*t up the young Cfn leaves behind :D
 
#20
The_IRON said:
dinosaur said:
One in reverse order but it still makes me laugh to think about it:

I had not long arrived as the ASM of a large (and now defunct) Air Defence Regt Workshop and was sat behind my desk doing something ASM like. Following a knock on the door, in marched the most junior Crafty in the Wksp; very smartly turned out clutching a transit envelope and a fire axe!

"Important message for you Sir" said the young man, handing me the envelope.

I opened the envelope to find the following note:

GIVE ME THE DAY OFF OR I WILL CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD YOU fatherless!

Que much pretend rage at the young man who left my office in a hurry claiming innocence, whilst the 2AQs could be heard roaring with laughter down the corridor!
Ive seen this one done with a bag of nails and a hammer.... Give me leave or ill nail your hands to the table.
A saw..... Ill saw your hands off.
A sledge hammer...... Ill knee cap you.

Always a good laugh but takes a while to clean the pile of sh*t up the young Cfn leaves behind :D
heard it was done @ QDGs Tidworth, some nig was sent into the paymaster, give me all your money you tight miserable Ba$tard
 

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