Best mong story of 2010

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cuddles, Aug 4, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Dear brothers and sisters of the Arrse, last night i was told a true and to those of you sick of mind, funny as fcuk story. I feel I need to share because it is very very funny...

    The fenian bride went to have her advancing years concealed by the hairdresser yesterday. Imagine the scene, women of a certain age relaxing with coffee and Bath Life, while perma-tanned orange faced 16 year olds wash their locks, bring more coffee and sweep up hair. TFB is chillaxing, the fenianette is despatched to Uncle The Michael Collins Fan Club for a few days and all she has to do is be made beautiful for the return of her handsome husband. Or me.

    The dame in the next chair suddenly gets a phone call. After a brief chat, she is up and out of her seat and dashes out of the hairdresser promising to return ASAP. Which twenty minutes or so later she does. It turns out that the call was from her mlaaring son, a 29 year old of normally sunny disposition, fevered appetite for sweets and lager shandy and an almost superhuman strength. He was very worried and as she had left him watching Lord of the Rings, she asumed his imagination had been overstimulated and he just needed a there, there and his ice cream levels topping up.

    So imagine her surprise on arriving home to find agitated number mong son, capering with anxiety and excitement in the hall of her cottage. "Mummy, Mummy! I've caught the troll man! I've caught the troll-man!" says the mong. she is just about to start the "Now then dear it is only a story, calm down..." patter when there is a flurry of angry kicks from inside the hall cupboard and a strange squeaky voice can be heard demanding rescue, help and succour...

    Opening the door to the understair cupboard, she finds a midget in the livery of a nationally recognisable - and obviously a diversity champion - courier firm. The mong had spotted the porg/dwarf approaching and with his mind set to Middle Earth, determined he was a "troll-man". So while the courier dwarf was getting ready to deliver a package, the mlaaring one nips out the side-door and with a duvet cover promptly snaffles the dwarf and lobs him into the cupboard.

    The dwarf was obviously a bit cross and theatened to sue, making much of his disability but when the lady of the house pointed out that her mong-child wasn't exactly blessed 100%, 24/7, the troll-man backed down and headed back out. No doubt to deliver a box of rings to Sauron Industries?

    I wish gentle arrsers that I could have been there to watch the great mlaaring hunter stalk and seize his prey. To say that Fred (not his real name) could probably lift me off my feet will give you an idea of how easy it would have been for him to detain a small, brown uniformed possibly, courier. Especially an unsuspecting one, who perhaps immediately before Fred struck, was musing how nice the world was and how fortunate he was despite his disability, to be holding down an interesting and socially valuable occupation.

    Fred will no doubt be rationed in his exposure to fantasy films and may experience a reduction in lager intake - he is 29 but has a mental age of about 10. However he is a mlaaring, balloon-loving, ice-cream-scoffing, dwarf detaining Record Breaker in my book.
  2. Oh, how I wish there was CCTV at the door...
  3. I know...honestly we were all in stitches at the bar last night, as TFB regaled us with the story. The mlaarer sometimes comes in for a pint with his dad and grandad. you can see where the chromosone went missing over the must have been a bit of a "will I...won't I" thing before it plumped for this generation!
  4. I do hope that finds its way into the Western Daily - very very funny
  5. I've been whistling "I'm a soul man" but thinking "I'm a troll man" all day...
  6. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Not wanting to question the substance of your excellent dit, but my cousin claims an almost identical incident happened to one of his school friends who happens to have a brother who has been touched by the hand of the special one.

    I too was in stitches when I heard the dit at a family funeral earlier this year.
  7. maguire

    maguire LE Book Reviewer

    ...then of course, there's the version with the acid-tripping students who do pretty much the same thing. Sober housemate returns and wonders why his flatmates are cowering terrified in the living room... 'we've caught a goblin...'
  8. I shall tax the Fenian Bride severely over cannot be that she has either been misled or is seeking to mislead me! Why it would be as if the last twelve years were like some Dallas shower scene...

    Anyway if it is an urban myth which she has applied to Mrs X and her lumbering window-licker "Fred" to give it local verisimilitude...what was she thinking. Rule one one of flasehood is "be believable" all dolphin trainers over there on the left behind Ravers and all professional bodyguards and airline pilots behind big bird67...what? Oh you already are...very good.
  9. Yeah, I've heard this one before, told to me by someone who claimed it happened to their friend and son.
  10. Cuddles is disappointed. TFB has changed her story. The woman in question was not present when she was at the hairdressers and the story was regaled by one of the hairdressers as having happened "recently". As for the tie-up to the mlaarer in the village, that was apparently part of the story as told by the hairdressser. So TFB gets a conditional discharge on this one but I apologise to all of you for being so gullible.

    Next I'll believe Big Rob can punch people on the internet...
  11. Cuddles is sickened by the nature of the world and all of its inhabitants.

    Imagine if I had seen Mr X or Grandpa x and mentioned this "incident".

    Truly there are dark forces at work in the cuddles-o-sphere...maybe it is because of the sunspot activity...
  12. P_J

    P_J Old-Salt Book Reviewer

    I have a friend who claims to have been one of the Police Officers that was called to the scene of such an incident in Cheshire. Still makes me giggle.
  13. spoilsprout! =)

    plus i was that sporg of sauron,
    third on the balcony too i was doncherner!
  14. yeah we're talking!! Form an orderly queue chaps :D