Teacher: today we are doing history i will write a quote on the board and i want you to tell me who said it and if possible when.
She writes Ich bin ein Berliner
Little Johnny puts his hand up and teacher says not you johnny you swear far too much johnny takes his hand down muttering stupid f*cking bitch little Maskuo puts his hand up and says president Kennedy miss Berlin 1961
Teacher: good boy Maskuo
she then writes i fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee again little johnny puts his hand up and again the teacher says not you johnny, johnny takes his hand down muttering ugly f*cking stupid bitch Maskuo puts his hand up and says Mohammed Ali miss not sure of date
Teacher: good boy Maskuo
Little Johnny turns to Maskuo and says i wish you japanese b*stards would f*ck off back home
Teacher turns round and says who said that?
Jonny puts his hand up and says admiral Kimmel Pearl Harbour 1941
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Teacher - now then children, what did you do over the weekend?
Little Johnny - Miss, I shoved fireworks up frogs arrses!
Teacher - Now, Little Johnny, you mustn't say arrse, you should say rectum.
Little Johnny - rectum, Miss? It fukcing destroyed them!!
"OK" says Teacher "Today we are going to think about words that have silent letters in them - like the letter 'P' in "Pneumonia". I want you to put your hand up if you cant think of a word like that, and then I'll ask you to tell us what it is, and what it means. Who can think of a word beginning with "A"?
A flurry of hands - fortunately - 'cos Johnny is one of them, and the last thing teacher wants is to ask that little sod for any word he might know.
And they work their way steadily through the early alphabet, with all the swots hands waving. Until we get to "G" - and there is Little Johnny, hand in air, all on his lonesome.
Teacher swallows hard, and her voice cracking, she says "All right Johnny, what is your word?", and with a tone of smug victory in his voice, Johnny looks Teacher straight in the eye and - as she winces and cringes in anticipation born of months of experience - he says, loud and clear
"GNOME, Miss, spelled G-N-O-M-E."
Stunned, Teacher breathes a sigh of relief, and says
"Excellent, Johnny - now can you tell us what a gnome is?"
"Yes Miss" says Johnny
"A Gnome is an ugly little fat fucker with great big sweaty bollocks"
For those who haven't heard it, one I posted in Jokes forum a year last Feb.
One of my fav Little Johnny stories.
The school had reopened after being shut due to a bit of snow and the Teacher told her class of five to six year olds that the word of the day was 'contagious'."Now children, can anyone give me a sentence containing the word contagious ?" Two kids put their hands up. "Yes Susan, give us your sentence." Susan said. "Yes Miss..Mummy told me to stay away from the girl next door, as she has measles which is very contagious." Miss said. "Excellent Susan. yes Jayne, tell us yours." Jayne followed up with. " Lots of diseases are contagious, not just measles but colds and coughs and all sorts." The Teacher praised her, and then Johnny, at the back of the class put his hand up. With trepidation.. "Ok Johnny, give the class your sentence." Johnny stood up and said. " My Dad is a 'Bin Man' with the council and after it snowed, he told Mum he wasn't going to work as it was too dangerous to drive. Mum said. "Why can't you walk to work like Sid next door is going to ?" My Dad said. "Fuck off, it'll take the cuntages."
Teacher: "Now class, has anyone got anything unusual to tell us today?"
Little Johnny: "Miss, my Daddy's got two willies"
Teacher: "That can't be right. What do you mean?"
Little Johnny: "Well, he's got a little one that he wees through, and a great big one he cleans the au pair's teeth with"
A man walking on the sidewalk noticed Little Johnny was a block ahead wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large black Labrador Retriever.
When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Little Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The teacher shows the class a drawing of 3 crows sat on a fence. "Farmer Jones comes along and shoots one of the crows, how many are left?"
Only one hand goes up and it's Johnny's. "Please miss, no crows".
"why do you say that Johnny?" She asks.
"Because when my Dad shoots a crow the others fly away".
It's good that you're using your own experience but in this case the answer's two.
Feeling she may have given a confusing example she asks if anyone else has a similar question. Again only one hand goes up.
Johnny points out of the window where there are three mummies stood outside the school, each eating an ice lolly. One bites a big chunk off the lolly. #2 licks the lolly from top to bottom and all over and #3 inserts the whole lolly in her mouth and sucks it out slowly.
Johnny asks. "Which mummy is married?"
Teacher is a little flustered and doesn't really get the question.
"Er the last one, I suppose Johnny".
"No miss, the first because she has a wedding ring on. It's good that you're using your own experience but in this case the answer's one.