Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by happybonzo, Apr 13, 2010.
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Teacher: today we are doing history i will write a quote on the board and i want you to tell me who said it and if possible when.
She writes Ich bin ein Berliner
Little Johnny puts his hand up and teacher says not you johnny you swear far too much johnny takes his hand down muttering stupid f*cking bitch little Maskuo puts his hand up and says president Kennedy miss Berlin 1961
Teacher: good boy Maskuo
she then writes i fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee again little johnny puts his hand up and again the teacher says not you johnny, johnny takes his hand down muttering ugly f*cking stupid bitch Maskuo puts his hand up and says Mohammed Ali miss not sure of date
Teacher: good boy Maskuo
Little Johnny turns to Maskuo and says i wish you japanese b*stards would f*ck off back home
Teacher turns round and says who said that?
Jonny puts his hand up and says admiral Kimmel Pearl Harbour 1941
Little Johnny & The Rooster
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Teacher. "OK Johhny, if you had 20p in one pocket and 30p in the other pocket, what have you got?"
Johnny. "Someone elses fucking trousers on miss."
Copper knocks on the door.
Door is answered by little Johnny holding a glass of whiskey and 'smerking a tab.
Copper. "Are your parents at home young man?"
Johhny. "Does it fucking look like it?"
Teacher - now then children, what did you do over the weekend?
Little Johnny - Miss, I shoved fireworks up frogs arrses!
Teacher - Now, Little Johnny, you mustn't say arrse, you should say rectum.
Little Johnny - rectum, Miss? It fukcing destroyed them!!
love it, how I've missed the little johnny jokes due for a come back
Now children, I would like you to use along word and make a sentence.
Yes Johnny what is your word?
Teacher sighs, ok lets hear it.
Urinate miss. My dad says urinate and and if you had better tIts you'd be a nine.
"OK" says Teacher "Today we are going to think about words that have silent letters in them - like the letter 'P' in "Pneumonia". I want you to put your hand up if you cant think of a word like that, and then I'll ask you to tell us what it is, and what it means. Who can think of a word beginning with "A"?
A flurry of hands - fortunately - 'cos Johnny is one of them, and the last thing teacher wants is to ask that little sod for any word he might know.
And they work their way steadily through the early alphabet, with all the swots hands waving. Until we get to "G" - and there is Little Johnny, hand in air, all on his lonesome.
Teacher swallows hard, and her voice cracking, she says "All right Johnny, what is your word?", and with a tone of smug victory in his voice, Johnny looks Teacher straight in the eye and - as she winces and cringes in anticipation born of months of experience - he says, loud and clear
"GNOME, Miss, spelled G-N-O-M-E."
Stunned, Teacher breathes a sigh of relief, and says
"Excellent, Johnny - now can you tell us what a gnome is?"
"Yes Miss" says Johnny
"A Gnome is an ugly little fat fucker with great big sweaty bollocks"
Johnny was late for school.Teacher asks him why.
"My sister got burnt" he says
"Oh"says the teacher"was it serious?"
Johnny replies"They don't feck about at the crematorium Miss"
And true to form, the worlds unfunniest TA c*ntbag starts crying
you must be the civvy serpant equal then
Separate names with a comma.