Best Issue

#1
What about this one:

The Issue

In a bid to provide a new revenue stream for Drunken Geordies's Beef-Based Agriculture industry, it has been suggested that Regimental Weasels could be added to the menu.
The Debate

1. "The fact is, the Regimental Weasel population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson Buy King. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have Regimental Weasel kebabs, Regimental Weasel pies, Regimental Weasel-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."
[Accept]

2. "I agree that something needs to be done about Regimental Weasel over-population," says random passer-by Calvin Jefferson, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."
[Accept]

3. "I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President Beth Clinton. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The Regimental Weasels were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The Regimental Weasel is part of what makes Drunken Geordies a great nation!"
[Accept]


What to do, what to do...
 

Auld-Yin

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#2
I think that Stoatman should be out spokesperson (note the pc-ness) in this matter.

If one decides to take on board such a huge subject as Regimental Weasels (and in my time most were called RPs) then we should have an authorative voice to speak for us.

Stoatman - over to you.
 
#3
I was thinking about this last night. There are some great and frankly potty issues that we have to resolve in a reasonably coherent manner if our nations are to evolve. Is this a cue to share them? :D
 
#4
This issue is a beaut, and so timely:

The Debate

"I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding," says religious leader Hope Chicago. "Now that's just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it."
[Accept]

Teachers union President Stephanie Clinton says, "Come on, the book is fantasy! And it's a damn good read. I'd like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians."
[Accept]
 
#5
Another belter - and thankfully not so apposite - possibly:

The Issue

Hospitals have requested that they be allowed to pay people for donating blood and other bodily organs, such as kidneys.

The Debate
"We remain critically short of blood plasma and various organs," says Army Rumour Service HQ One hospital administrator Abraham Love. "Especially hearts. A good heart is hard to find. But if we were allowed to pay for donations, we'd get more of them and could save more lives. Plus the donor takes home a few hundred Plimby Ozoids in compensation. Unless it's a post-mortem donation, of course. In that case we'd pay the family."
[Accept]


"Great idea," says social commentator Clint Wu. "Except for one thing. You know who's going to be selling their organs? Poor people! They'll be so desperate for money that they'll sell their own kidneys. Well, a kidney. This is just another way for the rich to buy themselves a better life at the expense of the poor. It must be outlawed."
[Accept]
The issue is flagged up as 'Cash for Colons'! :D
 
#6
The Issue

National marijuana consumption has hit an all-time high, with alarming results, a new poll has found.

The Debate

"My factory's productivity is down ten percent since marijuana was decriminalized," complains employer Al Li. "And the number of thefts from the candy machine is off the scale. This so-called 'pot' needs to be banned in all public places. Let the junkies do what they want at home, but not in my workplace."


"Whoa, dude, no need to get, like, you know," says Free Your Mind campaigner Buy Falopian, from his parents' basement. "This is, like, a personal choice issue, you know. It's like... whoa, just back off what I want to do with my own body. Don't let the fascists win, man. There are some hot new eckies coming in soon, they should be legal too."

The Dutch? Conservative, right-wing pigs...
 
#7
Not sure how to go about this one strong views from both sides

any suggestions?

The Issue
A group of emergency room doctors has petitioned the government to introduce mandatory organ donations.

The Debate
"It's not as crazy as it sounds," says Dr. Prudence Love. "Every day, people die because we don't have the organs to save them. Well, that and widespread under-funding of the health system. But the point is, if the government allowed us to take organs from dead people, we could save hundreds of lives a year. And come on, it's not like dead people need them."

This is the position your government is preparing to adopt.


"You keep your damn hands off my organs!" says alarmed hospital patient Violet Rifkin. "They are my organs, and I'll do with them what I like. The government has no right to my body."
[Accept]


TR
 
#8
It's time for the government to allocate spending for the coming year, and as always, special interest groups are keen to have their say.
The Debate

1. "The state of the education system is, in many areas, simply frightful," says Teachers Union leader Tobias Christmas. "And even where we are doing well, we could do better. I appeal to the authorities for a substantial boost in funding. Remember, the children are our future."

2. "We won't have a future unless we improve police numbers and rebuild the military," says General Jean-Paul Rifkin. "Oh, it's all well and good to have your fancy education and your nice cars, until some tinpot dictatorship decides to invade. And don't pretend like there aren't any of them in our region. Our number one priority has to be security."

3. "Education is nice, but Health and Social Welfare are more important," says celebrity social worker Miranda Gutenberg. "This is where the people who really need government help are: the marginalized of our society. If we don't help them, what kind of a nation are we?"

4. "Hey, I've got a crazy idea," says noted libertarian and bird-watcher Buy Chicago. "How about the government stops taking so much tax from people? Give us a tax cut and we'll buy the things we need ourselves. People need to be weaned off the government teat!"


The Government Position

The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 2.
 
#9
ticklishrodent said:
"It's not as crazy as it sounds," says Dr. Prudence Love. "Every day, people die because we don't have the organs to save them. Well, that and widespread under-funding of the health system.
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
 
#10
The Issue: As crime rates rise, some in the community are calling for increased policing.

The Debate
1. "Just the other day, I got mugged in the broad daylight!" says ruffian Beth Thiesen. "And the ironic thing is I had just stuck up this other guy. When muggers are getting mugged, even I have to admit that crime has gotten out of control. We do need more police."

2. "The solution to crime is not more police!" says noted sociologist and occasional crime novelist Al Thiesen. "Studies repeatedly show that crime is caused by poverty and poor education. Increase government spending in these areas, and crime will fall! Maybe not overnight, but it will happen."

3. "Yeah, good luck with that," says conservative leader and gun enthusiast Melbourne Jong-Il. "Look, we do need more police, that's clear. But that's not enough. We need real punishments: sentences that will act as a genuine deterrent to people considering a life of crime. Like public floggings."

The Government Position: The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 3.
 
#11
The Issue
It's time for the government to allocate spending for the coming year, and as always, special interest groups are keen to have their say.

The Debate
"The state of the education system is, in many areas, simply frightful," says Teachers Union leader Pete Silk. "And even where we are doing well, we could do better. I appeal to the authorities for a substantial boost in funding. Remember, the children are our future."
[Accept]


"We won't have a future unless we improve police numbers and rebuild the military," says General Freddy Winters. "Oh, it's all well and good to have your fancy education and your nice cars, until some tinpot dictatorship decides to invade. And don't pretend like there aren't any of them in our region. Our number one priority has to be security."
[Accept]


"Education is nice, but Health and Social Welfare are more important," says celebrity social worker Hope King. "This is where the people who really need government help are: the marginalized of our society. If we don't help them, what kind of a nation are we?"
[Accept]


"Hey, I've got a crazy idea," says noted libertarian and bird-watcher Violet Li. "How about the government stops taking so much tax from people? Give us a tax cut and we'll buy the things we need ourselves. People need to be weaned off the government teat!"
[Accept]

Such a hard decision so early in the morning!
 
#12
Gah, an issue in which the writers have shown their bedwettingly lefty bias:

The Issue
Cheap, foreign-made cars are becoming increasingly popular, causing concern in Stoatmania's automobile manufacturing industry.

The Debate
"Unless this government does something, Stoatmania won't have an auto industry for much longer," says auto industry union boss Buffy King, in a rare public appearance alongside management. "These foreign companies employ people for a few groats a day. The only way to level the playing field is to raise tariffs. The government would make more money, too, so it's win-win."
[Accept]


"For once, I agree with my grubby colleague here," says General Chassis CEO Charles Clinton. "Although I have to say, tariffs aren't the only answer. A more effective solution would be to abolish minimum wage laws. Now that would level the playing field. And we'd be able to employ more--argh, let go of my throat!"
[Accept]


"I think we need to face facts," says noted economist and chat-show regular George W. Wu. "We live in a global economy now, and automobile manufacturing just isn't Stoatmania's strong suit. There's no point taking money from taxpayers in order to line the pockets of a few greedy workers and corrupt managers in a doomed industry. Let the market takes its--argh, let go of my throat!"

This is the position your government is preparing to adopt.
The Government Position
The government has indicated its intention to follow the recommendations of Option 3.
Spot which option doesn't have "argh, let go of my throat" written on it.

My government follows a strict non-intervention policy, so it has to be option 3
 
#13
I got this one this morning:

Commentators have warned that Scaryspicedom's social inequalities threaten to make it an international pariah.

The Debate
"Look, I don't like it either," said Chamber of Commerce spokesperson Jennifer Dredd. "Just on the way here, I had to step over three homeless people, and one of my shoes got caught on a beggar. But inequality is the price we pay for economic strength. If anything, we need fewer taxes, so those of us who are well-off can afford to be more generous. If we want to, that is."
[Accept]


"I think we've forgotten what economic strength is all about," says social worker Freddy Silk. "The economy is meant to be a means to a high standard of living, not an end in itself. It's become an excuse for the rich to prosper while the poor fall through the cracks. Not everyone is poor because they don't feel like working. We must provide more welfare."
[Accept]


"Who says we're an international pariah?" demands military honcho Bianca Bush. "What are their names? If that's the way the international community feels, we obviously need to prepare for war."
[Accept]

Gotta be option 3 really hasn't it?

Scary
 
#15
Given that my National Animal (due to drunkenness) is the Deformed Mong, my favourite issue so far has been:

The Issue
In a bid to provide a new revenue stream for Deep Enlightenment's Beef-Based Agriculture industry, it has been suggested that Deformed Mongs could be added to the menu.

The Debate
"The fact is, the Deformed Mong population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson Jazz Winters. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have Deformed Mong kebabs, Deformed Mong pies, Deformed Mong-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."
[Accept]


"I agree that something needs to be done about Deformed Mong over-population," says random passer-by Jack Shiomi, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."
[Accept]


"I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President Konrad Jefferson. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The Deformed Mongs were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The Deformed Mong is part of what makes Deep Enlightenment a great nation!"
[Accept]

I'm so proud!
 
#16
The Issue

The Department of Defense has put its case for a substantial increase in funding for the coming financial year.

The Debate
"These are turbulent times we live in," says Defense Chief Beth Clinton. "Turbulent and dangerous. And the only sensible response to that, of course, is to build a lot more weapons. Unless we get the funding we need, I can't promise that we'll be able to defend ARRSE HQ's sovereign borders from rogue nations and foreign powers. Or those leaky boatloads of refugees, for that matter."
[Accept]


"NO MORE BOMBS," chant the protestors outside Parliament House, in a repetitious and increasingly annoying appeal. Spokesperson Jack Johnson, speaking through a feedback-afflicted microphone, says, "ARRSE HQ needs fewer weapons, not more! Make the world a safer place! Disarm now!"
[Accept]
Decisions...decisions.... :D
 
#17
I think I have a winner and particularly fitting for ARRSE:

The Issue

A haggard group of new recruits in Colytonia's army have spoken out against the brutal conditions experienced in their military training.
The Debate

1. "It's atrocious!" wails Private Zeke Jefferson, from amidst the cacophony of a parade cadence. "We're forced to sleep in crowded barracks, on hard cots, and do the most inhumane exercises when we wake up! Just today I've had to crawl through a muddy minefield, climb a grease-coated wall, and to top it all off, get mangled by an angry drill sergeant! All we want is a little respect from the officers - maybe to sleep in until noon, and not have to get all sweaty and tired doing stupid things like marching and climbing ropes. Oh, and private bedrooms too - we're risking our lives for the country, after all."
[Accept]

2. "THEY WANT WHAT?!" screams Sgt. Burkz, while pressing back a rising vein on her neck. "This is WAR, not DAYCARE! If anything, the training standards should be tougher! If I want to whip some pasty-faced, beer-gutted greenhorn because he can't climb over a razor-wire fence then I should be be given the permission to right away! The cry-babies won't like it, but they can run home back to their rich daddies if that's the way they're having it. War isn't a walk in the park, and training shouldn't be either. For all our sakes."
[Accept]

3. "Training, what a load of old hooey," says renowned spendophobe and radio announcer, Lars Li. "The only thing it teaches our soldiers is how to shine boots and fight plastic dummies. We'd be better off if we just dropped them into the fight so they could learn to shoot for themselves. There might be a few accidents, but it'll be worth it for all the dingles we'll save."
[Accept]

4. "There is another way, you know..." whispers Melbourne Dredd, the Chief of Secret Projects and Shiny Things in Colytonia's military research department. "What if we started taking children and raising them from birth to fight? We'd be able to make them completely immune to propaganda, psychological warfare, and demoralisation. Not only would that stop the crying new recruits, it'd also give us a powerful military edge. People may not like giving up their kids, but that's why we run the country. We know better."
[Accept]
I'm going for option 1...
 
#18
The Issue
A top fertility clinic has recently announced a new service allowing parents to create so-called 'designer babies'.

The Debate
"Embryo selection isn't really genetic engineering in the technical sense," explains Dr. Fleur Clinton, owner of the Babies-2-Go Clinic. "It's more like being able to have a dozen abortions per month until you get the foetus you desire. I can't really see what's wrong with parents who can afford it being able to eliminate foetuses with undesirable genetic traits - like stupidity."
[Accept]


"Thou shalt pay for thy sins!" screams Stephanie Hamilton, waving a crucifix. "This is just meddling with the sanctity of life. If these children are to be born with horrible defects then it's God's will and who are we to question it? This technology must be banned at once!"
[Accept]


"This technology shows promise," muses Randy Thiesen, minister of health. "But we can't trust the private sector with the future of our nation's children. We must place it under strict government regulation, so that we only screen out embryos with serious genetic conditions."
[Accept]


"This has got me thinkin'," says General Anne-Marie Jefferson, thumbing through a big folder marked 'X'. "If this technology lets us reduce genetic defects, then couldn't it work the other way? We could create ourselves an army of genetically superior soldiers! With our army of Super Soldiers, no nation would dare stand in our way!"

This is the position your government is preparing to adopt.
Well - it's a no-brainer! :D
 

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