Best comebacks

Was flicking through some photos tonight and a few of the old faces reminded me of a couple of killer comeback lines.

Rab Th***son, SSM at Soest 91 -92 time, ripping the shite out of a guy from 7 Armd workshops for having a complete bonehead (as in no hair) haircut after the Garrison Commander had banned them. Lays into him for a good 3 or 4 minutes outside the NAAFI in front of amused AAC bods before finally screaming at him "So whats your fcuking excuse?"

"I've got Leukemia" Stunned silence, aplogetic SSM, troops fcuking pissing themselves :D

NI 1990, Maj Drennan burst into crewshack in an out of character bad mood

"Who's in fcuking charge here"

Groundcrew, in unison "You are Sir", silence, about turn, walks outside no longer in a bad mood.

Oi/c Barrack Block carrying out inspection after bull night is poking around in the gravel outside the block.
'What are you looking for sir?' asks the Sgt.
'Cigarette ends' says the officer.
'Don't worry sir, have one of mine!'

In the 70's, at RAF Halton the joint service physio school students and med trainees shared accom in Shepherd block which had a naval officer in charge. This Lt was very picky and had no sense of humour, though he made us laugh by going on about cabins, heads, bulkheads and dockyard workers. I remember him going ballistic about finding the back door locked when he came to inspect. An army student explained, with straight face, that this was to prevent the ingress of water which could result in the sinking of HMS Shepherd! Cap'n Birdseye charged him, though it was later dropped.
Friday morning parade . SSM warns everybody about mondays inspection parade.

SSM - "Everybody WILL have a haircut - or on your own head be it"

Nobby- "it will be Sir !"

SSM - Lock him away!!!!!
In the early day's of the war on Iraq,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

A US army foot-patrol was deployed and they had been given an area to cover off they went! The sound of a helicopter was getting closer, closer, closer apparently a few shots had been fired at the helicopter by the US fella's so the British Chinook Pilot managed to make out the US guy's on the ground so he landed his helicopter got out and walked over to the guy's (who's the CDR) I am BROKE HIS NOSE just one thing! how many Iraqi helicopter's have you seen since you'v been out here?

TOP MAN!!!!!!!!!


1989 German
Sgt Maj Bob ********** You should have been in my office half an hour ago!!!!!!!!!

Pte Chris ******** er.....why, what happened
Mid '80's on the Falkland Islands.

An RAF officer is balling out a young siggie.

RAF offr 'Don't you salute RAF officers in the Army then?'

Siggie 'We don't have RAF officers in the Army sir!' (RAF rodneys chin hits floor, thus allowing the siggie to make his escape!)

Saif Sarrea 2 - SSM has just finished briefing the Sqn on routine in the newly acquired patch of desert called home

SSM - 'Does anyone have any questions?

Cheeky Cpl - 'Yes sir. Why do men have nipples!' (SSM looks stunned, then joins in the laughter)
A Pal of mine was talked into giving me a ride in his shiney bright yellow Lamborghinin diablo

When we pulled up at lights, window down, a scrote looked over and said "Nice motor, dont think much to the colour'

Response to scrote "why what colour is your diablo?" :D

He lloked at his D reg Escort and looked crest fallen.........
Walking through Munster in civvies in 1989 when this bearded student type came up and shouted Go Home - Gorbachov come we don't need you any more.

My chum, not usually noted for wit, explained that we were not in Germany to protect the Germans from the Russians but to protect the Russians from the Germans.

One very silent boxhead pissed off to feel guilty sdomewhere.
when in a German supermarket, I observed a stressed out soldiers wife smacking her child for some bad behavior.
When up walked this posh looking German woman who promptly said that in Germany we do not smack our children.
To which the rather stressed out looking woman replied, oh really ! well in scotland we don't gas our f***ing jews either!
The German bint's jaw dropped and promptly stormed away!
Once on a RSM's parade the RSM says to a young lad "I dont think those boots are good enough"
The youth looks down then replies "I do sir, thats why there my best boots"
"get away.. eifth eight eifth eight...." And to the guard room he went.
Friend of mine was inspecting the block of his brand new platoon not long after a particularly nasty rape case (yes, it was the Parachute Regt - remember the case of 'The Big 'Un', as the Sun labelled her?) and he was giving them a bollocking about the state of the floors. He yelled "Have you lot never heard of brooms? Show me the bloody brooms!" which came the reply, "Can't Sir, they've been taken away for forensic evidence..............."
a Ta exercise a plt failing to break into a fibua house an officer runs up shuts abuse and "your mucking up the entire battle plan what have you got to say for your self " private looks puzzled "our battles are planned sir ?"
Split 1993 - REME ES COY

All junior ranks have eaten and now it is the turn of the SNCOs and Officers. SNCOs and Officers use the few tables closest to the hotplate.

In walks 2IC of the guard LCpl Steve C***ve. LCpl grabs his meal and goes and sits at a table the other end of the cookhouse on his own.

CSM Eddie B***r ' I see you're say with your friends Cpl Cl***e'

Immediate reply ' No Sir I'm sat with yours'.

Paderborn mid 80's. QLR Corporal is driving round town in uniform on a hybrid creation with motorbike chopper handlebars and two rear wheels. Stops at traffic lights and Brigade Commander's car draws up alongside. Scott Grant opens window and enquires:

"Why aren't you wearing a helmet?"

"Because my vehicle is technically classified as a car and therefore I don't need one."

"In that case get your beret on!"
1983, on way back from Lympstone to Arborfield in the back of a four tonner up the motorway. Cpl ***** mooned out the back at a fit looking bird in a nice car behind, and I mean a full on hairy arsehole moon with dangly bits waving about.

100 miles from SEME, car follows us the whole way. Turns out this bit was a Captains wife :lol: Cpl ***** RTU'ed as a craftsman.
[Background: RN Cooks were retitled "Chefs" (ha!) in 1995....]

Passing out parade at HMS RALEIGH, the New Entry training establishment, in 1996 where a platoon of baby Chefs are being accompanied by a hairy-arrsed Leading Chef. Up marches random inspecting Admiral to the Leading Chef, after having inspected the men....

"Excellent turnout young man, and how long have you been a Chef?"
"I'm a Cook Sir"
"No, I think you'll find you're now a Chef"
"Beg pardon Sir, but I'm a Cook".
"NO, I SIGNED THE BL00DY ORDER, YOU'RE A CHEF. I'll ask you again - how long have you been a Chef?"
"10 seconds Sir"

stevie1967 said:
hardest course in the forces the chef's one

no caaant's passed it yet

sainty's gonna kill you, sainty's gonna kill you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, tickets to be sold at a later date.

saint's gonna cook ....oops kill you :D

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