Best and worst Khazi

#1
Camp and field toilets aside, what is the best and worst khazi you’ve had the fortune/misfortune to come across?
The best for me has to be when we once went to the Ritz for lunch, the toilets there were as you’d expect, they were highly clean, pleasant, very well presented, a place you’d be happy to spend an hour or so voiding.

The absolute worst and I mean bar none, was when I visited a friends grandparents ‘cottage’ in a forest just outside of Poltava in Ukraine, after a pleasant lunch I enquired about where I could ‘use the facilities’ I was directed to the bottom of the garden about 50 yards away ( the distance is relevant), walking down the path I could see what looked like a badly constructed sentry box, looking around it was obviously the toilet, I opened the door and it was like the end of the fucking world in there, the sights and smell were fucking staggering, it looked like an explosion in a sh!t factory, and a staging post for every fucking bluebottle in the world.

Needless to say there is now a ‘corner of a foreign field’ (garden) that is forever England
 
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#2
Not necessarily the best, but the one I used in 10 Downing street had carpet on the floor.

Worst was waking up in a compound in Afg (after getting in there at dark O'Clock) to find that my Bivvy Bag was the only thing separating me from where those creatures had decided to squat down in the past.
 
#3
Best: a 5 star hotel where the bathroom was bigger than my front room at home.
Worst was a 16-hole trailer, in Deir Az Zor, Syria, with two splattered Western toilets, one at each end, with 14 squats in between. The smell could strip varnish and the Syrian fly population was doing circuits and bumps within but it was all we had and squatting was the order of the day.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
#5
Worst recent experience was the ladies bogs at Newlands Corner.

They're generally OK until they get blocked. On this occasion I badly needed a wee, so hovered over the facility, where the water was almost up to the rim. After a few seconds it began to splash back, so I jumped forward in horror and wee'd all down my trousers.

The rest of what was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon walk was somewhat unpleasant.
 
#6
In the " best" category, The Philharmonic pub in Liverpool deserves an honourable mention. Back in my youth, when most pub toilets didn't aspire to much beyond a brick shed in the yard with a reeking concrete wall to pee against and a throne with no seat and a broken door,, the Phil was an ocean liner style palace of polished marble and mahogany.
 
#7
The best; in a Shinto temple in Kyoto, Japan. Lots of toys to play with including a jet wash for the nether regions and a heated seat. Plus recorded bird song to cover any embarrassing noises. The Japanese have the finest toilets in the world.

The worst: on a cattle ranch in Colombia. It flushed (sort of), evidently hadn't been cleaned for years, and had a bucket to add your used toilet paper to a stack of previous users cleaning efforts. There was no light so I had a torch and spent a happy 10 minutes or so trying to decide which of the hand sized spiders was the largest. They were all huge and hairy and must have lived well on the swarms of bluebottles that were feasting on the piles of spatted crap.
 

ugly

LE
Moderator
#8
I suspect that for a very long time West German Mushrooms tasted of bacon grill.
 
#9
Worst recent experience was the ladies bogs at Newlands Corner.

They're generally OK until they get blocked. On this occasion I badly needed a wee, so hovered over the facility, where the water was almost up to the rim. After a few seconds it began to splash back, so I jumped forward in horror and wee'd all down my trousers.

The rest of what was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon walk was somewhat unpleasant.
Consider a she-wee for such occasions, then you can aim from a distance. Failing that you could try a funnel and a condom.
 
#11
In the " best" category, The Philharmonic pub in Liverpool deserves an honourable mention. Back in my youth, when most pub toilets didn't aspire to much beyond a brick shed in the yard with a reeking concrete wall to pee against and a throne with no seat and a broken door,, the Phil was an ocean liner style palace of polished marble and mahogany.
Can't speak for the toilets, but a lot of pubs in Liverpool city are furnished from former ships
 
#12
The worst: on a cattle ranch in Colombia. It flushed (sort of), evidently hadn't been cleaned for years, and had a bucket to add your used toilet paper to a stack of previous users cleaning efforts. There was no light so I had a torch and spent a happy 10 minutes or so trying to decide which of the hand sized spiders was the largest. They were all huge and hairy and must have lived well on the swarms of bluebottles that were feasting on the piles of spatted crap.
Luxury
 

rampant

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
#13
Is that from your secret glory hole cottage camera?
End of Apprenticeship piss up.

Worst toilets either

Kaduna Airport
Lagos Airport
Wagah Border Crossing

All three would have given Bobby Sands an inferiority complex
 

AlienFTM

MIA
Book Reviewer
#14
Returned from Omagh in May 76. On disembarkation leave I bought my first motorcycle, in South Shields, on the banks of the Tyne. I learned to ride it and mostly ran it in (as one did in those days).

I set off back to Tidworth about 0500 on the Sunday morning. I'd never before driven as far, never mind ridden. It was p¡ssing down as I left (probably the last time it did before I went to UNFICYP in the September) and I wore all sorts in a vain effort to keep out the wet. The range of the Honda CB200B wasn't brilliant. I worked on 100 miles per tank. Since I'd be on A roads and not motorways, I had to stay alert for filling stations.

By about 4pm I was in Andover. It had long since stopped raining, Sun out and I was largely dried out. I found a filling station, closed, but I more needed a sh¡t than petrol. Went round the back. Found the bogs. They were gopping. Peeled off later after layer of clothes to get to my overalls to drop them.

I suspect that's where I collected a Richard the Third that made sure I washed the overalls before I wore them again.

For good measure, as I came back round the front, a busybody from the house next door came round to find out what I thought I was doing. I left her in no doubt.
 
#15
Shilling Brewing Co. in Glasgow.
The pub is an old bank and the toilets are in the basement which was the old strong rooms.
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Another interesting bog is on board The Apple (floating cider house) moored at the end of King St. in Bristol. It is a unisex toilet, very small as it's on a boat. There is always a mixed sex queue for the (IIRC 3 cubicles) causing the inevitable joke when a bloke exits the cubicle and the next in line is a female...." I'd give it a few minutes if I were you love!"
 
#17
The worst...Working on a new prison build in south Staffordshire, a row of about 10 plastic portable shitters, every one full to overflowing, shit everywhere, piss sloping around your ankles, and the stink.........

Working in a steel works up north, unbelievable, lights broke, doors hanging off, no seats, filthy stinking shit infested walls and floors, no paper, no running hot water.....

......And the best,.... when I was an apprentice I worked in the bank of England, the bogs in there were out of this world, and that was back in 1969, today I'm sure they are considerably better.

The Mail box BBC studios in Birmingham. the best a man can get, to paraphrase a TV commercial, blinding.
 
#18
The best Adrian Smith SAAB dealer in Aberdeen now defunct.Pristine with aftershave and deodorant on a shelf for the customers to use.
The worst A bar in Malta where there was no seat and you had to take your own toilet paper and the bowl was brown in colour when it should have been white.
 
#19
The open air trench latrines in Al Amarah, Iraq, circa April 2003.

Nothing better than lifting the wooden lid off one of the twenty or so dung holes and letting the flies buzz around your testicles.

The views were magnificent and if you timed it correctly, you could witness one of your colleagues struggling to dump their belt kit and trousers as the curse of D & V struck them down.

On occasion one of the embedded female reporters would even make a bold appearance, forsaking any modesty and crimp a length like a champion.

Happy days........
 
#20
Our company had to take over an Afghan compound next door to this FOB in 2013 and bring all the buildings onto the Density List for repair/maint.
12 squat pots all over brimming with orangey brown and greenish arse gravy, walls and 1/2 doors streaked with hand prints.
As there was no water etc, to the building it was baked solid in the traps and had to be cut out by the TCN's...... in one pot there was found a carcass of a cat or puppy under a foot of shit.
 

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