Best and worst arse wipes

#1
I don't know if the modern compo still includes sheets of that shiny arse wipe paper, but I expect not, smear sheets we used to call it. Old team mate of mine maintained that the best arse wipe ever is a live swans neck, anyone ever tried it?
 
#3
compo re arranging paper was bad enough...rsm smock sounds like comfy bum
 
#4
Moss. It's damp and slightly antiseptic according to my well thumbed "THEM" handbook. Honest, you can find the book in the library and it's all true.
 
#5
I used to blag a roll of that blue hand wipe stuff from the REME on exercise. There's plenty of it on a roll and it grips yer shit nicely.
 
#6
Those scented wet wipes, although a bit girly are quiet nice.
Especially in a NZ Department of Conservation long drop toilet where the scent helps to mask the aroma of the 1001 shoites of a good seasons hill walking lurking at the bottom of the drop.
Follow up with a couple of sheets of 3 ply for total comfort of the mudbutton.
 

maguire

LE
Book Reviewer
#7
I like that Andrex with aloe vera. very gentle on the ringpiece.
 
K

Kirkz

Guest
#8
I find antiseptic wet wipes are perfect for the alfresco dung deposit!
Soft, moist,refreshingly antiseptic and cool, plus the moisture evaporates quickly. :)
 
#9
I find antiseptic wet wipes are perfect for the alfresco dung deposit!
Soft, moist,refreshingly antiseptic and cool, plus the moisture evaporates quickly. :)
I refer the learned gentleman to post #4. Or that second water bottle of L/Cpl. N*** O****'s. It isn't water, but Absolut Vodka and comes in handy as an antispetic. Or mixed with Screech and consumed dulls the pain of a ring-sting.
 
#10
The worst arsewipe was me Mod form 90, as suggested by Paddy O'dowd. He must have a cast iron arsehole thats all I can say.
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#11
Those scented wet wipes, although a bit girly are quiet nice.
Especially in a NZ Department of Conservation long drop toilet where the scent helps to mask the aroma of the 1001 shoites of a good seasons hill walking lurking at the bottom of the drop.
Follow up with a couple of sheets of 3 ply for total comfort of the mudbutton.
I use them as well. I use the dry arse carpet first, then the wet wipes to clean the last little bit of smeared nard out of my crack.
 
#13
preparationhsoothingwipes10728.jpg

For those gentlemen of a certain age, who's botties have seen better days.
 
#14
I like using peoples towels. It's good for ringpeice admin and it annoys the person who's towel you have used.
 
#15
I don't know if the modern compo still includes sheets of that shiny arse wipe paper, but I expect not, smear sheets we used to call it.
We used to call it "John Wayne" paper - rough, tough and takes shit off no fucker!

Empty cement bags are very effective. Double benefit too - any clinkers left round your arse just harden up and are easily snapped off.
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#16
We had the John Wayne bog roll. It came in a plastic wrapper. The wrapper was just as good as the paper. I have also used a sandbag (empty) which was quite effective.
 
#17
When I was on the building, our labourer 'Wayno' once took a dump and then wiped his muddy knot on a piece of Rockwool. He was mincing along the scaffold for the rest of the day.

Same bloke, came out of Eve's nightclub in Wolverhampton, pissed up no money for a cab, starts the long trek home. Suddenly a violent spasm in his sphincter indicates to him a matter of urgency to immediately empty his bowels. In the middle of the road... Just as the bear is hanging out, a blast of two tones and flashing blue lights draw Wayno's attention to a Police car 30 yards away parked on factory car park.

With no time to waste making his escape, he whipped up his kecks and ran off, shit running down his legs. He evaded capture by climbing a wall onto the canal towpath where he decided to clean up. In his state of inebriation, he chose to drop his Farah's and hang his arse over the canal in a squatting position to enable to splash water on his dirty arse. You can guess what happened next, suffice to say he was pulled out at daybreak by a man walking his dog, and then spent a few hours in hospital being treated for hypothermia. I haven't seen him since he stomped his girlfriend to death on the Millenium New Years Eve, but I know he's out now.
 
#18
True Brixmis story:

The Soviets didn't have issue toilet paper, so they used pages from their orders books, old exercise papers or signals instructions, or letters from home. After an exercise, a Brixmis tour would be despatched on to the training area to find the officers' latrines and fish out interesting looking items. (The soldiers' latrines were usually less fruitful and most appeared to have dysentery anyway, so not pleasant work). There was usually a race on to get there before the French or Americans.

The goodies were brought back to Berlin and dried out in a heated and well ventilated room. A LBdr then did a first read before handing the good quality stuff to a major to exploit.

I kept a special pair of AAC green flying gloves for this job (still have them somewhere).
 
#19
I usually find it amusing to grab a handful of pink loft insulation, unroll a bog roll and give both sides a good old rub down with it, then roll the fucker up and take seat outside to watch the bods come out scratching like a twat, works really well in ladies bogs, especially in the pub!!!!!

But back on topic, I think the best wipe is by far wet wipe thingy's, Or better yet, wash your arse.
 
#20
What a shit thread.
 

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