Belgium pushes for regime change

Discussion in 'Current Affairs, News and Analysis' started by foggy_balla, Mar 11, 2003.

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  1. Posted to me originally by a Belgian friend.  Who says they're just Frenchies with no humour?! ;D ;D ;D


    Spurred by reports of an aggressive military build-up and failure to reign
    in corporate terrorists, the government of Belgium is pressing for a
    preemptive strike against the regime of George W. Bush.

    "We cannot sit idly by and eat our delicious chocolates while the United
    States government engages in a policy of harassment," Belgian Prime
    Minister Guy Verhofstadt said in a nationally-televised address to the
    Belgian people. "Now is the time for action. We cannot waffle."

    Recent reports from Belgian intelligence sources indicate that the United
    States is now in possession of weapons of mass destruction ­ chemical,
    biological and nuclear. "We know that the United States has nuclear
    weapons and that they have actually used them in the past," intoned the
    Prime Minister. "There is no reason to think they will not use them in the
    future."

    Verhofstadt is insisting that United Nations weapon inspectors be given
    "unfettered access to the massive stockpiles" of weapons, and that they be
    destroyed immediately.

    "We stand at the crossroads," pleaded Verhofstadt. "Either the United
    States agrees to our demands, or we will be forced to put down our
    delicious chocolates and lead the way for permanent regime change.
    Remember, my dear Walloons, the current clique in Washington was elected
    in direct contravention of the will of the American people. Regime change
    will be welcomed by their citizens."

    Reaction to the speech throughout Europe was swift.

    "We stand with our Belgian brothers," offered French President Jacques
    Chirac. "France is willing to commit thirty-five troops and many cases of
    fine champagne to the cause. We cannot stand on the sidelines enjoying our
    delicious baguettes while our comrades from Antwerp go it alone. Let me
    assure the dear Prime Minister. France is with you, almost."

    Russian President Vladimir Putin did not mince any words. "Again, it is
    the powerful Belgians who must lead the world against aggression and
    American hegemony. Russia stands with her European allies and insists that
    the United States disarm unilaterally. I only wish we too had delicious
    foods."

    Following the speech, the mood at the White House was one of defiance.
    "Let the Belgians make their empty threats," said White House spokesman
    Ari Fleischer. "We are urging Hershey's and Mars and other fine American
    chocolate makers to increase their yummy output by two-hundred percent in
    the coming weeks. We intend to break up the evil-doing Belgian chocolate
    cartel once and for all."

    Vice President Dick Cheney was even more bellicose. Speaking directly
    underneath Karl Rove from an undisclosed underground bunker, the Vice
    President warned of dire consequences should Belgium make a preemptive
    strike. "We are prepared to strike back with alarming force," said Cheney.
    "The Belgians cannot bully us. They may be the world's only superpower,
    but we here in America have Allah on our side. To hell with their
    delicious chocolate treats."

    Verhofstadt, while unyielding in tone and substance, did offer the
    Americans a plausible way out. "I call upon George W. Bush to capture
    Sheik Kenneth Lay, Imam Dennis Kozlowski, and the entire Worldcom
    terrorist organization, and to hand them over to an international
    tribunal. The United States can no longer harbor agents of terrorism. You
    are either with us or against us."

    Back in Washington, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and National Security
    Advisor Condaleeza Rice were trying eagerly to persuade President Bush
    that there was indeed a country named Belgium.