Being an Evil Overlord

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by scalieback, Dec 23, 2004.

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  1. Bound to have been posted before, however:

    The Top 100 Things I'd Do
    If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

    My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not
    face-concealing ones.

    My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
    anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

    Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

    The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
    Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
    Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object
    which is my one weakness.

    I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

    When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will
    you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
    No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

    After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a
    quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during
    which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

    I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If
    it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not
    Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray
    of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF
    switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

    I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well
    outside my borders will work just as well.

    I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove
    it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies
    alive to show they pose no threat.

    One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my
    plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

    All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
    ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
    The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration,
    will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

    The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form
    of last request.

    I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such
    a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
    counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

    I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one
    thing I want to know."

    When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their

    I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp
    power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial
    point in time.

    I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but
    one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

    Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal
    laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments
    that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

    I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my
    Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look
    like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All
    were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive

    No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not
    consume any energy field bigger than my head.

    I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their
    use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator
    and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will
    not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

    I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even
    though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never
    utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death
    is usually instantaneous.)

    No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
    machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
    virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

    No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is
    probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
    Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my

    I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems
    will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I
    will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

    My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and
    into which I could not accidentally stumble.

    I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into

    All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
    thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely
    give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

    All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly,
    world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or
    romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

    I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just
    to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

    I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a
    stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
    Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for
    formal occasions.

    I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

    I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now
    they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

    I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let
    alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only
    key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every
    bottom-rung guard in the prison.

    If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle,
    I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

    If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere,
    I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for
    them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

    If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the
    forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number
    among his army.

    I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
    superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
    keeping it in reserve.

    Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

    When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
    ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes
    and filching keys happens to follow him around.

    I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful
    rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will
    gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

    I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the
    pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the
    other guy a sporting chance.

    I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what
    in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my
    weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then
    suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

    If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man
    possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

    If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay
    him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

    I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with
    respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
    immediately come after me for revenge.

    If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will
    not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to
    seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

    My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be
    completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

    If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in
    the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less
    people-oriented position.

    I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my
    castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I
    might not know about.

    If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never,
    do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

    I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
    double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

    The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my
    Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert
    missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone
    else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

    My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot
    learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target

    Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read
    the owner's manual.

    If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically
    and toss off a one-liner.

    I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

    My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am
    thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be
    used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

    If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I
    will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

    I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural
    supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

    Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they
    will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through
    accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

    I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual
    phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a

    If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the
    maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main
    Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main
    control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

    My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who
    watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
    fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
    will trigger the alarm system.

    No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
    instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale

    I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only
    reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one
    time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life

    All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at
    state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not
    abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

    When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in
    groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them
    disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate
    an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a

    If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made
    a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in
    case the answer is no.

    If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to
    taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my
    unstoppable superweapon on them.

    I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest,
    even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

    When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my
    five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label
    the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

    I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of
    standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a

    If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle
    with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him
    at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of
    molten lava is not even worth considering.)

    If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance
    to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to
    wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the

    I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The
    command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

    If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it
    has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition
    commemorative coins.

    If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best
    troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets
    closer and closer to my fortress.

    If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him,
    and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I
    too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he

    I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the
    crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

    If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to
    leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us
    instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

    I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

    I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated,
    e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the
    medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the
    lines of "Push the button."

    I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly

    My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will
    not construct walkways above them.

    If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for
    incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

    After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my
    legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is
    unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

    I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing
    away from the door.

    I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously
    agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It
    might actually be important.

    If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I
    will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the
    futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of
    quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.
    (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

    If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who
    failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go

    When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a
    useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

    My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
    bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the
    guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of
    opening up the cell for a look.

    My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on
    the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside
    opens the door, not vice versa.

    My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective
    surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

    If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor
    their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore
    them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will
    and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except
    during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at
    which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order
    their execution.

    Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

    Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will
    provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
  2. I will not, a la Doctor Evil, put such faith in my "horrible slow death machine" that I leave the hero tied up, but unattended, on or in it.

    I will ban, on penalty of agonizing death, within my evil empire, the television broadcast of commercials for second mortgages, toilet bowl cleaners, mutual funds, on-line stock brokerages, women's hygiene products, and condoms.
  3. Any chance you can ban 'reality' shows?

  4. Posted in many places,not least by our own Dr Evil(can't be arrsed to find the link) :lol:
  5. C O O L

    Although having said that, it would be a very short movie!!!
  6. being a truly Evil overlord any hero captured would end up in a big brother style house surrounded by machine guns and reality TV would be on 24 7.
    whats the point of being an evil overlord if you don't get to be evil.
    plus I'd have my minions phone people up around 6 30 every morning with todays special offer bwhahahahaahjavascript:emoticon(':twisted:')
    Twisted Evil
  7. Pish.
  8. Lost the will to live about half way through!! :D
  9. How about

    I would ban the quoting of several hundred line articles merely to add a one-line, or worse, one-word, comment (such as 'pish' or 'I agree') to the very bottom
  10. im taking notes in preparation for world domination :)
  11. I would give Gravelbelly the job as my personal censor, as he thinks like I do. :p
  12. Pish.
  13. I agree
  14. Aye
  15. Objection your honour. Quoting a lengthy post in entirety is just wrong. So there.