Beginner's Guide to Combat

Discussion in 'Armed Forces Jokes' started by greysuit, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
    Friendly fire isn't.
    The most dangerous thing in a combat zone is an officer with a map.
    The problem with taking the easy way out is that it is already mined.
    The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
    The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will fall short.
    Incoming fire has the right of way.
    If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
    The Quartermaster only has two sizes; too large and too small.
    If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
    The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
    The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
    There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and they miss.
    Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone it draws fire. Out of the combat zone it draws sergeants.
    If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
    Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
    All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets ... printed at different scales.
    All battles are fought uphill.
    All battles are fought in the rain.
    If orders can be misunderstood, they will be.
    Tracers work both ways.
    If the enemy is in range, so are you.
    Never reinforce failure, failure reinforces itself.
    Tactics are for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
    Always know when it's time to get out of your vehicle
    Always know how to get out of your vehicle.
    Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
    Always honour a threat.
    The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
    There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
    No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
    Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness what mess hall food is to cuisine.
    Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
    The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater that the distance you can jump.
    Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
    Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
    There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.
    The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
    Radios work perfectly until you need fire support.
    Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
    When in doubt, empty the magazine.
    If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
    Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
    Minefields are not neutral.
    If it's stupid and works, then it's not stupid.