Beer in the Bank

#1
I was trying to explain this perfectly sensible approach to life to a fat civvy at work today.

He's a right fcuking lard-arrse. He's one of those blokes who pretends he's watching his weight when anyone's looking, but fails to acknowledge that the visual evidence contradicts him completely. You know the sort, you go down to lunch with them, and they fa-nny about at the fcuking hot-plate, saying to the soup-dragon things like.
"Ooh, not so much butter, please" and "Do you have a low fat version of that?"

From the massive arrse evidence on show, the rest of the queue knows that he's either got a slower metabolism than lichen or he's in the bogs eating wagon wheels all afternoon.

He said to me at lunch today, "Ere, Convoy, how come you eat so much rubbish food?" Admittedly I was necking a large doner-chicken mixed kebab from the shop round the corner, but I nearly choked on it at the sheer audacity of the question. It was like getting babysitting advice off Myra Hindley. I'm not quite at my fighting weight, but do plenty of phys every week (footy and rowing). I explained to him whilst showering him with flakes of naan, that I adopted the 'beer in the bank' philosophy and had done since my military days.

"What's that all about then?"

"Well it's quite simple really. There are three types of blokes, the two extremes are blimps like you at one end and PTI's at the other. The rest of us hetero tigers in the middle have a more relaxed approach. Staying fit is a simple mechanism that allows you to eat and drink as much as you want without turning into Harold fcuking bishop."

Whilst he absorbed my words I got to thinking that a 'beer in the bank' philosophy could be applied to a lot of life. For instance, i've decided to refrain from frenzied masturbation for a week. My wife has a night out planned with a couple of mates next Friday, so my abstinence will give me plenty of 'wa-nks in the bank.' In a happy coincidence I have just received a copy of a dvd entitled 'Jill Kelly presents....." I'm not sure what the dot-dot-dot is for but presume that the sentence should finish '.....her ravaged fa-nny and ricker'
 
#3
I seem to be running my wank account in the red, fortunately I find my Wank bank is fully web enabled and allows for near immediate deposits with easy access and is available 24hrs a day...
 
#5
I occasionally outsource some of my my more exotic requirements to the sub continent certainly. I find the asian market attractive in some key areas...
 
#7
Who in the name of Jimmy Riddle thought up that 'call centre in India idea', I was discussing this recently because every time i ring my bank it gets worse and worse to the point where i cant ring anymore because i cant understand a word any of them are saying. I end up having to go into the bank on the High Street and when im finished there they come out with some kind of comment like, "you can do this over the phone you know"...........?Bollox!!
 
#8
Don't get started on call centres in India. I spoke to some Tw*t today and the f*cker accused me of being rasist because I wanted to speak to someone in the UK and not in a f*cking shack in the arrse end of Calcutta. Cnut.
 
#10
What is this, a mothers meeting?

I dont think the point of the thread was about banks and call centres.

Good one Shortfuse you tool, see what you've started.

Personally, I dont think the whole beer in the bank works for girls.

I had been very good all month, home on time etc etc. Thought I had saved up enough beer in the bank and promptly got smashed in London with some clients.

All went downhill and ended up being brought home by the RMP. Other half was not impressed and I was on extras for a week.

Beer in the Bank - not one for girls!
 
#13
I adopt a 'shags in the bank' approach. When I'm single, I count all the times I get blown out by uppity wenches (either because I'm crying on their shoulder about the last one or because I use my patented 'naked pirate' approach with its 95% failure rate). So say I get blown out 50 times in 6 months of singledom, when i actually get a regular sh@g I'm allowed to fcuk-around 50 times with all the women I'm suddenly supposed to beat off because "I'm in a relationship" and I'm suddenly sttractive again. Simple.
 
#14
"Extras" from Herr Moody eh? So hows your hula and kidneys standing up to the punishment? :D
 
#15
sandmanfez said:
"Extras" from Herr Moody eh? So hows your hula and kidneys standing up to the punishment? :D
Don't like hula hoops meself, not since a Smokey Hedgepig flavour hoop I had, tasted like bat droppings.

I like smarties though.
 
#16
armourer said:
sandmanfez said:
"Extras" from Herr Moody eh? So hows your hula and kidneys standing up to the punishment? D
Don't like hula hoops meself, not since a Smokey Hedgepig flavour hoop I had, tasted like bat droppings.

I like smarties though.
Must have been locked in armourers' shop too long! How do you know bat bat droppings taste like??!!
 
#17
Someone at work had a right go at me about the fattys in the office, they were doing a teambuilding walk, when someone said that it was an 'equal opportunities and diversity issue' about whether or not they should do it. "B0llox" I said, "it's a motivation issue." "There are people in here who have mobility issues" was the reply. "Doesn't stop them getting up 2 flights of stairs for their chips at lunchtime..." Boss went apesh*t.

And for indian call centres, asked for a cheque book, idiots sent me a paying in book. All for this racial equality balls, but when your job is communicating, and you can't understand each other...
 
#18
Good point about the motivation issue NT. We have a fat moose at work who looks like half a dozen bales of rags tied together. At teabreak & lunchtime she sits nibbling on celery etc, and duscusses fat content & calorfic values of lettuce leaves. Catch her in there on her own and the fat bitch is stuffing her face full with mars bars & chunky kit kats.

On the bank issue. When you reach a certain age (mid 40's) you could find that, no matter how much you abstain, when it comes to pay out time you only get one deposit (possibly followed by a small top up if you're lucky).
 
#19
Moodybitch said:
All went downhill and ended up being brought home by the RMP. Other half was not impressed and I was on extras for a week.

Beer in the Bank - not one for girls!
not surprised, did you let hubby join in or just entertain the RMP, id put you on extras too!
 
#20
armourer said:
sandmanfez said:
"Extras" from Herr Moody eh? So hows your hula and kidneys standing up to the punishment? :D
Don't like hula hoops meself, not since a Smokey Hedgepig flavour hoop I had, tasted like bat droppings.

I like smarties though.
Well it could be worse, Moodies hoop tastes of stale chip fat, burnt cork and squaddie spuff.
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
Good CO The Intelligence Cell 11
PLOD Aviation 14
Davros_the_Dalek Int Corps 9

Similar threads

Latest Threads

Top