I was trying to explain this perfectly sensible approach to life to a fat civvy at work today. He's a right fcuking lard-arrse. He's one of those blokes who pretends he's watching his weight when anyone's looking, but fails to acknowledge that the visual evidence contradicts him completely. You know the sort, you go down to lunch with them, and they fa-nny about at the fcuking hot-plate, saying to the soup-dragon things like. "Ooh, not so much butter, please" and "Do you have a low fat version of that?" From the massive arrse evidence on show, the rest of the queue knows that he's either got a slower metabolism than lichen or he's in the bogs eating wagon wheels all afternoon. He said to me at lunch today, "Ere, Convoy, how come you eat so much rubbish food?" Admittedly I was necking a large doner-chicken mixed kebab from the shop round the corner, but I nearly choked on it at the sheer audacity of the question. It was like getting babysitting advice off Myra Hindley. I'm not quite at my fighting weight, but do plenty of phys every week (footy and rowing). I explained to him whilst showering him with flakes of naan, that I adopted the 'beer in the bank' philosophy and had done since my military days. "What's that all about then?" "Well it's quite simple really. There are three types of blokes, the two extremes are blimps like you at one end and PTI's at the other. The rest of us hetero tigers in the middle have a more relaxed approach. Staying fit is a simple mechanism that allows you to eat and drink as much as you want without turning into Harold fcuking bishop." Whilst he absorbed my words I got to thinking that a 'beer in the bank' philosophy could be applied to a lot of life. For instance, i've decided to refrain from frenzied masturbation for a week. My wife has a night out planned with a couple of mates next Friday, so my abstinence will give me plenty of 'wa-nks in the bank.' In a happy coincidence I have just received a copy of a dvd entitled 'Jill Kelly presents....." I'm not sure what the dot-dot-dot is for but presume that the sentence should finish '.....her ravaged fa-nny and ricker'