Beer Goggles

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by G.W.A, Apr 26, 2005.

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  1. From recent experience i have discovered that a corner of a billet, hidden behind some cupboardy things looks very much like a toilet when drunk and seems an incredibly good place to pi$$ even though the same billet contains a major and several s/nco's :oops: :lol:

    any other tales of things not looking like they really are when drunk - other than the obvious one of women.

    there is also the story of a particular person thinking he was outside his flat and decided to kick the door in (which was made of reinforced glass) so as to be able to get in when the whole time he was actually standing inside :? :lol:
  2. Staggered back to my room in the block only to find the door unlocked. Could not find the light switch so bounce around off the walls while taking my shoes off. Then try to get into bed to find someone in it. Dawns upon me that I am in the room below me in the block and am trying to get into bed with whoever lives there. Make a speedy exit and return the next day with a six pack to beg for my shoes back. :oops:
  3. Story of officer in Germany got absolutely destroyed, broke into a school and found by GCP trying to smash the window of a German Job Centre to find somewher to sleep.

    Proper job! :lol:
  4. walked off the balcony at a club in pompey, thought i was in another club that didnt have two floors
  5. sweet - keep em coming. once thought i by a petrol station in cippenham (nr slough) when was infact outside a co-op in london. that was during a forgotten 2hrs 30mins of wandering round london blind drunk at new years. 3rd time in a row i can't remember new years - second time in a row i was walking around somewhere lost
  6. in phase 2 i got rat arrsed after a sqn do climbed into bed half way through the night i need to go for a pi$$ so wondered in to the toilets opened trap number one and went. woke up the next morning and found the guy in the bunk across from mine was annoyed with me off of one of the others in the room. didnt see fellow across from me all day after duties went to my pit and talked to him i had decided in a drunken state that i couldnt be bothered to walk to trap 1 so i had opened up his wardrobe and used it as a substitute, all over his uniform. then found out that another person from my room did the same in his own bed space.
  7. Would that be someone that lives in the same flat as someone who had achieved entry to said flat when he'd forgotten his key through judicious use of a fire extinguisher???
  8. Roof of the Aberystwyth arts centre becomes very like the refuelling station in Starwars III after a pound night, look out for a drunk first year running around thinking hes C3P0 leaping over ventialtion ducts!

    Also on leaving my local pub, and starting to walk home decided I was far too drunk to make it in one go. So stripped naked and lay in a cow trough waiting for the cold water to sobre me up, when it didnt I ran to the next one stark bollock naked, and continued this all the way back to my house. (4 of them) Parents are surprisngly accepting of naked wet son stood in the hallway declaring "Ive been swimming" at three in the morning.

    God Bless the west country!!!!!

    oh and after a few beers in the Falkland islands had a small incident with roads with corners looking like they were straight! remarkably strong the roll bars in Landy-110
  9. I once got to the top of the stairs in my folks house and then lost my balance and ran backwards back down the stairs and smashed the inside pane of the double glazed window halfway down the stairs with the back of my head.
    I blamed the incident on an 'upset tummy' in the middle of the night and got away with it scot free. Choice!!
  10. 1. A couple of years ago, a night on the p1ss in Peterborugh with some guys on the Harrier force had an unfortunate ending when we sent home the cab that took us back to Wittering. After a few minutes discussing how quiet the was, one of of the guys remembered that that they had recently moved the Harrier force, lock stock and barrel, to Cottesmore some 10 miles or so further up the road.

    2. P1ssed up baby fast jet pilot locks self in room. Wakes up during the night needing to curl one out. Cannot find key to room and becoming desperate decides to defecate into a knee length aircrew sock and goes back to bed .

    Hethen realises that the smell is keeping him awake, so he picks up the sock, opens the window, swings the sock above head like a lasso and throws it outside and returns to bed again to work on his bedspin-recovery procedures.

    Wakes up the next morning to find sh1t all over the room. The silly fcuker grabbed hold of the wrong end.

    3. A guy I went to school with spent a night in the nick in Portsmouth because he got caught by the rozzers trying to kick in the back door of a sub-post office. Turns out he got trolleyed, miscounted and thought it was the back door to his girlfriend's house, which was next door.
  11. On the ferry to Hamburg when 3 Div went over to test the prospect of decamping to BAOR (that long ago) got totalled in the casino bar, needed to go in the night but couldn't find my bunk afterwards. Wandering around the various decks dressed only in bogroll, stressful experience, especially for those pax I had to run away from. Still can't remember anything afterwards until on an autobahn in the passenger seat of my L/R.

    On the way back, half the div HQ got zapped by customs at Harwich, the other half at Tidworth; they'd never seen so much attempted booze smuggling before; happy days for the buggers.
  12. There was a lad at a unit i once served with who was not shy of a night on the peeve, However unfortunately for him he had the bladder retention of a goldfish. Anyways we were on exercise in Denmark and were staying on a camp not far from Copenhagen which everybody agreed was a result. However young £$ZZ was obviously not used to the superstrength lager that we were guzzling and instead of knocking it on the head at the fishhead equivelant of the colonel, He decided with a couple of other duty lunatics to get their hoops downtown Hagen for some more booze and helga action. Unfortunately for young &^zz he got seperated from the rest of the patrol and in his pissed up state did the only decent thing and got his head down (as by now it was quite late/early in the morning) anyways he awoke at sparrows fart and (fair play) even in his inebriated state knew that he had to get on pde for some PT so there he was keks round his ankles looking for his road slappers and by his own admission (ALL I COULD SEE WAS F'IN WATERMELONS) as you may now have guessed he had not made it back to his basha, but was infact in the fresh fruit display of the local 24hr supermarket. The manager of the supermarket was suitably unimpressed by his actions and took him as an escapee out of the local lunatic asylum and promptly called the men in white coats. It was by a pure stroke of luck at this stage that the ambulance driver was an ex-booty, who had married a danish bird and settled over there saw that he did not have the local loon on his hands but indeed a pissed up parachutist. Anyways being a good egg he got the lunatic back just in time to be spotted by the RSM trying to sneak onto the sqn parade that was already underway, on see-ing this the badge got understandably upset and called him to the front of the squad to enquire what the f*&^ he thought he was upto, on getting front and centre and by this time in full view of the unit it was now obvious that he had got his head down on his right side due to the massive map of cyprus on his jeans, that was it the whole unit was in fits i have never seen a man go from mildly irritated to f'in ballistic in such a time span. priceless!!
  13. Thought a vending machine was a phone box once and got really annoyed when the door wouldn't open. just before i started smashing it in a mate stopped me and asked why i didn't just use my mobile that was in my hand - i thought i had lost it :? :D
  14. After a hard night on the Herforder, my mate needed to slash. For reasons best known to himself, he got out of his pit and climbed out of the adjacent window - fortunately single-storey accommodation. He then turned round and slashed all over his own pit, climbed back in the window and wobbed out once more. In the cold, hard light of day he spent yonks trying to find out what dirty ba$tard had slashed on him as he kipped. :lol:
  15. When in my Pte days we were bivvying next to a range we were to use the next day. The heavens opened and the opinion amongst the headshed was 'sod this!' and so that was us all in a range hut. It was like those holding cells in Thailand when all and sundry are bunged into a concrete room big enough for 10 but normally contain about 40. Anyway someone had the bright idea of rousting L/Cpl Knacker and getting him to drive us all to Wathgill camp and have a few beers on the NAAFI. Consequently, on our happy return, the arms, legs, elbows, feet and knees of 40 dishevelled and worse for wear infantrymen made frequent contact with the heads and bodies of each other during bad attempts to take doss bags out of bergans, roll mats onto the floor, etc. When the fuss died down, and the last 'elbow me in the face, you cnut, I'll ram my bergan up your arrse' had petered out, it was time to sleep. The light went off. All was peace. All was tranquil. Pte Stabtastic could sleep.
    An hour later there was a scrabbling at the wall.
    I'm trying to find the light switch
    Just shut the fcuk up!
    Where's the light?
    Aaaahhh! What the fcuk for?
    Need a piss, dunni?
    Well go outside. Don't need a light!
    Can't find it?
    ......... mutter..fcuks sake... WHAT?
    S' the door. Can't find it.

    And indeed he couldn't. There was one door, but where was it? He'd scrabbled his way all round the inside of the hut and couldn't find it. By this stage everyone on the outside had had his size 11s in his face or all the way along the length of his body, depending on how he was lying. 'Rumpus' is the word. In the dark.

    Where is it then? Oof. Ouch! You cnut! Arrgh - who was that? Ooo. (x 40)

    Cpl Ginger Tache spoke up. Shut the fcuk up or I'll deck you all. he would 'n' all. We shut up. All except for whimpering needing-a-piss man who had a need but was now too scared to go. He was alone in the dark (figuratively speaking) with his 'problem'. He saw a solution. It didn't involve a door, still less a light. Indeed light would have scuppered his plan. He put the plan into action. You could hear the sigh of relief.

    Unfortunately he'd not chosen well. He'd gone all the way round the room in the dark earlier and unbeknown to him, he'd chosen his own bedspace to 'tinkle'. Unfortunately the man next to him was awake too and 'caught some'. Cue revenge. Unfortunately several others caught some. It continued. All became involved. It turned into a mock-up of a fire service demo of water sprinklers, except with sources at waist height, and with Cpl Ginger Tache decking all and sundry.

    Pte Stabtastic took his chances with the storm outside where he'd be drier and bivvy'd up against a fence, and that week applied to be an officer cadet.