Beer Book and Line Book entries

#1
I imagine most units still employ a 'voluntary contributions' book somewhere in their nearest office. When the British Army was mainly spread out across NI and Germany very few people went home at weekends, and these books served a very good purpose. There was always someone's name appearing in a military publication (1 crate) or photo (4 crates), and you could bet your life after a piss-up, the usual suspects would phone in late and end up 'contributing' to the next bash. Of course, these days it tends to be only Company/Regt functions where we are able to prize the young 'uns away from their xboxes and playstations. Oh and Xmas carnage day of course. And we have seen a few classics over the years. My favourites being among the following:

Line Book entries:

"What time's the News at Ten on tonight?"

Following the news of a little girl getting electrocuted using the hand-dryer in McDonalds, someone was heard to say "It was probably her own fault for using an electrical appliance with wet hands"

Beer Book entries:

The 'Crying Game' entry - I didn't know she was a bloke lads, honest! ...lads?

The 'Grand Slam' entry - late for work and after brief search, being eventually discovered in the showers, still fully-clothed and fast alseep in a pool of chunder and ...well you know the rest.


What were your most memorable line book / beer book entries?
 
#3
That's brilliant - we had a similar incident on "Octupus", but due to the extreme attention the whole thing got, it developed into something a lot more 'international'.

We didn't beer-book the guy in the end, as we did not feel the need to trample on a man's grave.

His Regimental Entry read something along the lines of "...for exposing and playing with his genitalia to a member of the Canadian Forces whilst considerably intoxicated..."

Of course, he has hoyed-out of theatre, following a fair deal of diplomatic 'issues' between involved nations. The worst thing about the whole thing was, they took our makeshift swimming pool away from us as a result. It was a hard tour after that...
 
#4
We ran a thread in Aviation about line book entries a few years ago.

Apparently the one from 664 (which was full to the brim with beautiful clusters) isn't around anymore. Shame, hours of reading and belly laughs to be had at the expense of those who went before you.
 
#5
Any reason why it disappeared PG?

I remembered a little gem from my early days when me and a few mates decided to try out a neighbouring town one weekend, a change as good as the rest. We walked straight into a biker's pub and rather than walk out again and save face, Lennie decided it'd be better if we stayed as he owned a bike and thought he'd just blag it. The look on everyone's face suggested we were well out of place. Indeed the gaff was full of hairy-arse unwashed blokes, and women than looked like they could pop beer bottles open with their twats. (not that I'm stereotyping), and here was the four of us, with our neatly cropped hair, shirts and shoes.

Anyway, rather than sit quietly in the corner, drink our beers and move on, Lennie decided to try the 'convincer' at the bar, and started banging on about 'biker's stuff' to the long-haired fat-bastard stood next to him. When the guy quizzed Lennie further, already suspicious of his blagging, Lennie said something about taking his bike to the TT's on the Isle of Wight next year.

"Mann", said the grizzly bloke, with a rather bored look on his face.

"Right, The Isle of Wight, man!" Lennie replied.

I'd never drank such an uncomfortable pint but Lennie reckoned sometime later he'd gotten the idea from Sid the Sexist in Viz and wanted to 'see the look on their faces' when he tried it on. I was just thrilled he chose the 3 of us to experiment with.
 
#6
Porridge_gun said:
We ran a thread in Aviation about line book entries a few years ago.

Apparently the one from 664 (which was full to the brim with beautiful clusters) isn't around anymore. Shame, hours of reading and belly laughs to be had at the expense of those who went before you.
Ah yes, hoot and roar with 664. :roll:

A few from JT (a walking linebook) who was the greenie tiff at 664 or was until his missus attacked him (and 1RRF'S RSM and two of his RP staff) on the Freedom of Minden parade rehearsal and he got posted out (extremely quickly (slight understatement)).

JT: "Your Forward errors are terrocious"

JT: " The Sheffield was sunk by an Indesit missile"

JT: " What rolls do you have left today?"
Naafi Van Driver: "Egg and cheese"
JT: " Two ham please"
 
#7
101 (Northumbrian) Fd Regt RA (V) Line Book...circa 1980

"Why don't we get the RMR to take K**** H****** out intheir big black rubber inflatable thingies and drop him in the Tyne?"

"I thought K**** H****** was big rubber inflatable thingy."
 
#8
While working all night in FI to get a cab ready so Arbuthnot could take Cuthbert and Algernon fishing the next day, our rather tired (but not emotional) crew chief was heard to say in answer to what he missed from home, was that most of all, he missed a warm cock round his mouth. :lol:
 
#9
mistersoft said:
While working all night in FI to get a cab ready so Arbuthnot could take Cuthbert and Algernon fishing the next day, our rather tired (but not emotional) crew chief was heard to say in answer to what he missed from home, was that most of all, he missed a warm cock round his mouth. :lol:
I wonder if that's the same guy who belched, and said "Oo, spunk-burp!"

And to the now-silent line office, immediately followed-up with:

"Well you know what I mean..."

"Not really, Billy"
 
#10
JesterRIP said:
mistersoft said:
While working all night in FI to get a cab ready so Arbuthnot could take Cuthbert and Algernon fishing the next day, our rather tired (but not emotional) crew chief was heard to say in answer to what he missed from home, was that most of all, he missed a warm cock round his mouth. :lol:
I wonder if that's the same guy who belched, and said "Oo, spunk-burp!"

And to the now-silent line office, immediately followed-up with:

"Well you know what I mean..."

"Not really, Billy"
He did put it down to tiredness, pressure of work etc that he'd got his words round the wrong way. Strange that, as we weren't too tired to shove it in the linebook. :lol:

On the same tour, one air trooper was heard to ask another what date Christmas was that year. He swore he said DAY but in the book it went. :wink:
 
#11
It occurred to me that this might be more of an aviation thing, in which case the thread could be moved, depending on how much speed it picks up. And according to a recent poll in Site Issues, most of us on here are either mil or ex-mil, so I am sure there are a few verbal hooters out there worthy of further humiliation in this forum?

And the civvies shouldn't be scared off either, I'm sure one or two of you had to contribute into the 'tea and biscuit fund' at some point in your careers. Perhaps you got caught dipping into the petty cash? Or claimed off the company to have your moat cleaned? Or maybe you climbed a ladder without using a harness and helmet? Or said a prayer for a dying child?

In the meantime, I recall one of my own beer-bookings which earned me a whopping 8 crates. On duty tech one night (one cold winter's night in Belfast), I had somehow failed to notice one of the heaviest snowfalls we'd had there. This was mainly because Ops had called down to say all flying had been canned for the night, and so I just DFS'd the cabs in the hangar and went and got my head down. Come the morning, I handed over to the crew chief and stepped outside, into a foot of snow. It was then I realised I'd not asked for any of the 'cabs' to be brought in after the Ops call, and there on the aircraft dispersal were 6 Gazelle-shaped mounds of snow.

At least they all had their head-covers fitted. Although the manhours it took to dry them out earned me the biggest fine of that year - entitled "For building snowcabs on the pan".
 
#12
Once after receiving a rather long and boring lecturette on the geoploitical causes and implications of the Falkland's War a lass in my group asked:

"Staff, why did Argentina decide to go to war with us? I thought everyone in Europe was supposed to be friends!?"

The whole group got crated for that one and she's now an AS90 Battery CPO!
 
#13
I currently have 9 crates outstanding to my name after the idiots at the local press gave me 8 promotions in one day and a late entry commission, plus 1 for the mention in said rag.

When asked my name, I answered "Lance Corporal xxxxxx" to the pretty journo, who scribbled down 'L/C xxxxxx'. It hadn't crossed my mind that when she got back to the office she might mistake her notes for 'Lieutenant Colonel xxxxxx'. As a result, come Monday morning, a 24 year old Lieutenant Colonel xxxxxx was quoted as being, "pleased to see so many people turn out for a Freedom Parade in his home town".

Needless to say, I took this opportunity to get slack at drill and forget how to read a map. I did stop dicking around though when I told a WO2 to "carry on"... :roll:
 

Fugly

ADC
DirtyBAT
#14
Op Telic 4, Camel Toe Bar, Basra Air station. (Before it went dry).

Blokes buys can of Stella, opens it, and tips a shit load of it straight down his front. "I didn't know it would be so full". Straight in the book.


Bosnia, 2002.

Ongoing World Cup is being discussed. Involved in the conversation is a (female) RAF squipper.

Her:"I know, it was a real shock France losing to Serbia"
"I think you'll find they lost to Senegal"
"Oh of course they did, what am I saying? Serbia isn't even a real country, is it?"
"We're in Sarajevo you daft mare. Serbian border is in that direction"
 
#15
Ah yes, you can always count on a good Op Tour to really get to know your crew. And the quiz nights always produce some good answers. During the stage where the papers are collected and the answers are revealed, the quiz host goes on to say:

"Question 14, who is the current Russian President? ...I'll give you a clue Team 1... it's NOT Boris Johnson!"

A member of Team 1 then starts taunting a fellow team-mate for giving the wrong answer, followed by the statement:

"See I fucking told you it wasn't - you're thinking of the German dude who won Wimbledon in the 1980s".

:?
 
#16
Jesus! Are they really stretching our forces that much we simply don't have time for leaving drinks anymore? Surely one or two of you out there must have slipped up at worked and been crated? Come on, don't be shy... Share your misfortune with us - we won't tell anyone! Or better still, tell us about a mate getting caught in the women's block wearing his bird's pink nightie 'to keep warm'... Or maybe someone was heard to ask where could find a long stand or purchase a left-handed screwdriver?

Spill, fellow arrsers!
 
#17
Bit of an army aviation urban myth perhaps but I'll tell it just how I heard it.

The cabs were being put to bed in 651's hangar in Hildesheim. There was no work to do other than a quick AF (after flight servicing) and hope nobody found any horrors. The BAT in question was in the cab (of the cab) and for reasons only known to him, he set off the engine fire extinguisher by pressing the sodding button. Now this meant all the stuff that was now discharged would have to be replaced as would the cartridge that sets off the extinguisher. Also the engine would have be vented (usually overnight IIRC) usually involving a Gemini heater (blowing cold air) and a slack few metres of giant hose.

The BAT in question reported his 'error' to the tiffy. The tiffy was the thoughtful type and not just content with the fact some would be working late, he wanted to get to the bottom of this and find out WHY the BAT had pressed the button. So he held an impromptu, unofficial board of enquiry and asked the BAT to show him exactly how it had happened. So the BAT showed how he had checked this and checked that and then had pressed the fire extinguisher button.

He demonstrated this and set off the OTHER fire extinguisher. :lol:

He wasn't tech charged but beer was free for a long while after the incident indicating a very severe crating. Apologies for any technical errors but it was a very long time ago. :(
 
#18
That legend is still very much alive among the old an bold and is right up there with the old favourites 'Tow pull-thro', climbing INSIDE the safety cage whilst inflating a tyre, and a certain ex-greenie 37-year AQMS, who dropped a screw on the transmission decking and after hours of trying to find the little bugger, decides to drop another one 'to see where it went'. That's greenie logic for you, assuming it'd fall exactly the same way.
I'm hoping to get 'beer-booked' or 'crated' myself this Thurs, for reasons known well to those among the Corps. I'll be bringing a bottle of port into work that day regardless.
Still... If the result does not go my way, at least I can look forward to an amusing call from MDN... You know how much he worships us BATs...
 
#19
Good luck for Thursday Jester and let's hope you don't get that call from MDN. Even though we all know how much he loves us. :)

I know I've already posted about loadies (spits) at RAF Guetersloh (HERE) when we were sending some cabs to NI but I forgot to mention when the cabs returned and we had to reassemble them. The Sgt in charge (first name Dear **** - letter you don't want to receive and surname's the song Living in a *** by the group of the same name) and you can see how well I've tried to protect his anonymity but anyway, he got crated by us.

To pack a Gazelle into a Herc you needed to first get it from the FAR side of the runway using the ground handling wheels. First the jacks wouldn't work and then you find the tyres were flat which does show the amount of time we put into preparation for our task. Then you had to avoid anything landing as you struggled to push the Gaz (on flat tyres) towards the hangar we had been allocated. We managed to get across the runway and ended up at the blunt end of a VC10 which started up and pushing a Gaz with flat tyres AND with seared lungs is not much fun I can assure you.

To fit into the Herc, you had to take off the blades, take off the inkpots on the main rotor head which didn't of course contain ink but I often wondered if anybody had been stupid enough to actually fill them up with ink. Probably not otherwise we most definitely would have heard about it by now. If you don't remove the inkpots then the Herc will do it for you as it's pretty tight up the chuff of a Herc. Also to be removed were the stabilizers which probably have some use in flight but were more often than not used to support a BAT after a heavy night in the bar/Naafi/mess or were used to put your coffee down or ashtray or pot noodle or anything else that you needed close to hand. Sometimes even tools but that was quite a rare occurence.

To take off a stabilizer, you undid the bolts on the underside of one half and it pulled off the spar. You then threw it on the floor somewhere but hopefully somewhere where it could be seen as it had to chucked on the Herc once the cabs were loaded. The two bolts on the fuselage were then undone and the spar and other half of the stabilizer were pulled out. Usually it resisted but then suddenly gave and if was quite common to to see someone sprawled on the floor clutching the spar and half a stabilizer for dear life. Anyway, the cab was then ready to load and you loaded it, despite the best efforts of the loadie (fcuking loadies) and his entourage who depite all the warnings would usually grab on to something fragile, like any convenient aerial.

On their return, reassembly should of course be the exact opposite or that's what you would think. Things were going to plan and the blades were on and the inkpots back on they even had some oil in and we didn't have to take the cab to the FAR side of the runway. There was just the stabilizer to fit and our illustrious leader was on the case (he was very short and needed it to stand on) but it was then we noticed it. Stabilzers have a back and a front, they have a leading edge and a trailing edge and of course if you took the stabilizer and spar off one side, that's where it went back. There is no room for artistic licence and if you fancy a change and think you'd like to see how it looks the other way round then do it with something else, somewhere else and just leave our stabilizers well alone.

But that's EXACTLY what our illustrious leader had done and was sliding on the final part of the stabilizer. ALL the way from Guetersloh to Minden protested our illustrious leader. Would we keep quiet about it? Would we promise not to tell anyone? It was going to be worth our while, as vast quantities of Herfy were being discussed. All of this was of course irrelevant, as one of the team had found a phone in Guetersloh and had already phoned the news back to Minden and the welcoming committee was all lined up to greet us when we arrived back. :lol:
 
#20
While removing a drop tank from the wing pylon on a Sqn Tornado,the was four of us,two on each loading cradle at front & back prop points on the drop.
"Is it empty,sarge?"....
"Yup,I checked" he say's & gives it a tap.
"Ready?" so we get a firmer grip on the cradle & the Sarge undo's the ERU latch.
BANG!...W*NKER!...BOLLOX!!!...Sarge you F*CKER!....

Bastard drop tank was full!
Cue 4 Armourers off to the med center & 1 sheepish Snec creeping into see the Fllight Sgt to explain!

CRATED!
 
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