Been there seen it, had the T shirt nicked...

#1
Ok, so you reach a certain stage in life where you have seen most things, shagged some of them, killed some of them, eaten some of them and been shat on by the others. This "life experience" is invaluable and, so, I got to thinking, us old sweats ought to pass on some of our hard-won experience to the younger generation, to spare them some of the pain and ignominies we went through at their stage of life...a type of short cut to evolution if you will, a mentoring programme for fellow but more inocent arrsers...so here it is!

I'll start you off in the foillowing post....

uqfegd

pp
 
#3
You can take a horse etc, unfortunately there is no substitute for experience.
 
#5
When one is re-orging a tactical bedspring away from the plundered and pillaged object of ones wanton lust and one is not yet shackled in matrimony to the said victim, it is sometimes necessary to port arms and vent. Clearly if one is desirous of repeated couplings with said bed fellow it is best to use some element of deception and stealth when undertaking this hazardous tactical procedure.

One should casually, as if in sleep, turn on one side, taking care to ensure that friendly forces are on the safe side of the rear danger area. Adopting the natal or recovery position, bringing ones knees up towards the chest, the ventee then gently lifts the uppermost buttock, exposing and causing to open fully the rear venturi. At this stage it is important to ensure that the buttocks are properly seperated otherwise vented exhaust gases may yet cause the two buttock surfaces or the crinkled valve to vibrate.

Gently at first, one should induce venting, testing and controlling the flow of noxious gases so as to minimise the flow rate and associated windage. Once practised and perfected silent but high velocity exhaust events should be possible. Experts can use the same buttock seperating hand to capture exhaust gases for user-survey or for disposal towards slumbering pets.

Extreme caution should be used if large amounts of alcohol and/or curries have been ingested as by seperating the buttocks and effectively porting the venturi, all natural lines of resistance and defence have been circumvented in case of physical follow-through.

Here endeth the lesson.

uqfegd

pp
 
#6
Never argue with an idiot because then it's just two idiots arguing.

Unless stacker comes back then it's all you can do.
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#8
If it says "Don't touch" there is probably a very good reason.
 
#10
Ahem gentlefolk, we're not quite getting the quality of advice that I had hoped for. A little more effort required please. I now understand how some of you can rack up thousands of posts a year (B_and_T for example!). Quality over quantity is a much tarnished and worn, but nonetheless valuable, mantra.

So if you cannot be arsed to pull your proverbials out or up (dependant on your preferred aphorism...or is it metaphor, simile or proverb...another post perhaps?) then please feel free to copulate away to some other neck of the womb. Oxygen, alas, is not free and its virtual seizure is indeed a crime.

So for those of you of limited faculties and even more curtailed vocabularies (if the hockey mask fits Lardbeast...although you do appear to be putting on a little poundage)...fcuk off!

uqfegd

pp
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#11
Ahem gentlefolk, we're not quite getting the quality of advice that I had hoped for. A little more effort required please. I now understand how some of you can rack up thousands of posts a year (B_and_T for example!). Quality over quantity is a much tarnished and worn, but nonetheless valuable, mantra.

So if you cannot be arsed to pull your proverbials out or up (dependant on your preferred aphorism...or is it metaphor, simile or proverb...another post perhaps?) then please feel free to copulate away to some other neck of the womb. Oxygen, alas, is not free and its virtual seizure is indeed a crime.

So for those of you of limited faculties and even more curtailed vocabularies (if the hockey mask fits Lardbeast...although you do appear to be putting on a little poundage)...fcuk off!

uqfegd

pp
Ooooooooooo Get her!

What do you want, the works of Confucius?
 
#17
never ever think that a fart is safe after a night on the guinness.

never volunteer for anything while in the mob ( and very little while in civy strasse)

the stunning bird you met on a night out, who puts out on the first night is not wife material, and is in fact a slag.( do not for any reason including getting out of the block and in to 3rd world pad housing marry the wench.)

no women ever look good in ron hills and stilleto's, regardless of how much ale you have imbibed.

and never ever ever trust a fart after a night on the black stuff ( see point 1) as tarmacing your own breeks can be a tad upseting.
 
#19
One life lesson I have learned is not to post shite on the Arrse...or at least think before hitting the keyboard...

Keep quiet and people may think you are an idiot...open your mouth and you may prove it.

Rodney2q
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#20
One life lesson I have learned is not to post shite on the Arrse...or at least think before hitting the keyboard...

Keep quiet and people may think you are an idiot...open you mouth and you may prove it.

Rodney2q
Either you are my 1RO or you have been reading my SJAR's.
 

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