Beauteous phraseology or I'm having that!

#1
There are some crackers. But the one I nicked years ago and useable in several scenarios (surprisingly) is....ahem.

Would anyone here like to suck the snotty end of my vomiting fuck trumpet?

Succinct and to the point.
 
#3
As witnessed in the old Millhill cook house

Taff, what you doing tonight?
Wpte, thinking shes getting a date Nothing why?
Taff, well you want to stay in and wash your hair its greasy as fuck
 
J

Joshua Slocum

Guest
#6
one used on my mate many years ago
riding his motorcycle like a twat he cut across the Bows of a very large Chauffuer driven Rolls Royce lost it and landed on his face !! Roller driver applies massive stop pedal and three tonnes of metal glides to a halt inches from his face
I stop flick my stand down and run round expecting him to be brown bread
nah he ok
smartly dressed gentleman exits from rear of car and examines my mate, turns out hes a Harley Street Surgeon
says mate is ok but thinks he should go to his GP and ask about arranging for a Frontal Lobotomy
man climbs back into car and glides away leaving my mate holding his gold embossed card
said mate arrives at GPs hands over card and explains situation Doctor leaves room gets two other doctors in and they all examine him then walk outside and have a good laugh

another one I used was at the building firm where I occasionaly worked, we had a young lad who most of the time was out of his brain on crack and skunk, a devious lying thieving little shitbag, nothing but trouble all round
he really vexed me one day but I kept my calm, later on he was complaining of a massive headache ( poor food and drugs and drink and lack of sleep =headache big style)
I said he might have toredo worm being near so much hardwood and should see a doctor
he did not speak to me for weeks after that !!
 
#7
one used on my mate many years ago
riding his motorcycle like a twat he cut across the Bows of a very large Chauffuer driven Rolls Royce lost it and landed on his face !! Roller driver applies massive stop pedal and three tonnes of metal glides to a halt inches from his face
I stop flick my stand down and run round expecting him to be brown bread
nah he ok
smartly dressed gentleman exits from rear of car and examines my mate, turns out hes a Harley Street Surgeon
says mate is ok but thinks he should go to his GP and ask about arranging for a Frontal Lobotomy
man climbs back into car and glides away leaving my mate holding his gold embossed card
said mate arrives at GPs hands over card and explains situation Doctor leaves room gets two other doctors in and they all examine him then walk outside and have a good laugh
Sounds like your mate was trying to self-medicate.
 
J

Joshua Slocum

Guest
#8
Sounds like your mate was trying to self-medicate.
funny you should say that !!
his motorcycling was always a trifle laxadaisy
one day he came homeon his GT185 ( this was in the 70s) shittting himself as he had clipped an ice cream van parked outside the dairy, he though the Mafia would take out a contract on him !!
I popped round to see Franco in the Vesuvius cafe/dairy and told him he laughed his socks off and said you mate need his eyes tested if he clipped a giant pink ice cream van
no harm done though
later on he clipped a bicycle and buckled the backwheel the rider was ok more money !!
many years alter we met up an dhe was wearing glasses, turned out he was blind as a fucking bat myopic or something
small wonder he crashed so much, South London even then was busy
 
#9
Used to skydive with a mate who, as it turned out, was also blind as a bat. Didn't know that at the time so playing chicken with him was fraught with peril. Silly fucker didn't know how low we were and just held off pulling until he saw me shit myself and grab for the pilot chute. Always thought he had huge balls, but turns out he was a short sighted albino mong. Bounced at his wedding and had to be jump started before the ambulance came to fetch me.

Back on topic: When surprised, he would always exclaim "Hooray, fuck!". Find myself doing it now and then, although it does draw confused looks from some.

One finds ARRSE to be a veritable gold mine of descriptive prose. One of the reasons I hang around in here. That and the perversion.
 
#10
Always thought he had huge balls, but turns out he was a short sighted albino mong. QUOTE]

The white hair and red eyes didn't give you a clue?
 
J

Joshua Slocum

Guest
#11
Used to skydive with a mate who, as it turned out, was also blind as a bat. Didn't know that at the time so playing chicken with him was fraught with peril. Silly fucker didn't know how low we were and just held off pulling until he saw me shit myself and grab for the pilot chute. Always thought he had huge balls, but turns out he was a short sighted albino mong. Bounced at his wedding and had to be jump started before the ambulance came to fetch me.

Back on topic: When surprised, he would always exclaim "Hooray, fuck!". Find myself doing it now and then, although it does draw confused looks from some.

One finds ARRSE to be a veritable gold mine of descriptive prose. One of the reasons I hang around in here. That and the perversion.
hell ye brother
a man cannot have too much perversion, thse days the internet gives you a knowledge that in the old days would be unknown outside politicians and public skoolboys
pony girls any one !!
 
N

NurseyMai

Guest
#12
hell ye brother
a man cannot have too much perversion, thse days the internet gives you a knowledge that in the old days would be unknown outside politicians and public skoolboys
pony girls any one !!
Love playing pony girls but it's hard to find a place to do it, and a place to store kit...
 
J

Joshua Slocum

Guest
#13
well I dont like to imply anything, but just outside of Hereford I was working at a big country house, and needed to work over the weekend to get some bits down
full of pony boys and girls
seems like so much more fun than the masonic lodge
they are just a stuffy bunch of old hasbeens and senior coppers !!!! ( other organizations are available )
 
J

Joshua Slocum

Guest
#14
a fine insult I once heard directed towards a politician by a roadworker
go fuck yerself with a ragmans trombone !!
 
N

NurseyMai

Guest
#15
well I dont like to imply anything, but just outside of Hereford I was working at a big country house, and needed to work over the weekend to get some bits down
full of pony boys and girls
seems like so much more fun than the masonic lodge
they are just a stuffy bunch of old hasbeens and senior coppers !!!! ( other organizations are available )
It can be a bit of an insular/stuck up society in my experience so stick to private garden-type events, but always thought there would be a market for private ponygirl/boy facilties if I had the space/stables/woodland
 
J

Joshua Slocum

Guest
#16
yes ideal for that sort of thing
I bet many other arsers are busy googling ponyboys as we speak
me I just like spanking big girls bums !!!!
they cant touch you for it !!:-D
 
N

NurseyMai

Guest
#17
yes ideal for that sort of thing
I bet many other arsers are busy googling ponyboys as we speak
me I just like spanking big girls bums !!!!
they cant touch you for it !!:-D
You never know, there might be a run on sulky purchases...

Yeah you're safe with the spanking, and crops/canes/paddles/floggers to if you're sensible. My arse is almost impossible to bruise now...too many years of the above!
 
J

Joshua Slocum

Guest
#18
my missus had a bruise on her arse for 3 months
she rode pillion to Italy and back but the throwover panniers had a buckle that dug through the foam i covered it with
she wont go on the back any more !!!!!
 
N

NurseyMai

Guest
#19
my missus had a bruise on her arse for 3 months
she rode pillion to Italy and back but the throwover panniers had a buckle that dug through the foam i covered it with
she wont go on the back any more !!!!!
Ouch! Now that's a decent bruise - take it she wasn't pleased with it?!

I think some of my best marks came when I started out just over ten years ago - flogged in the woods one night in January...bloody freezing and marks lasted for a good 3 weeks...made sitting anywhere interesting
 
#20
Nursey, you now the score. Photos or it didn't happen.
 

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