Beauteous phraseology or I'm having that!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by MrShanklysboots, Mar 16, 2013.

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  1. There are some crackers. But the one I nicked years ago and useable in several scenarios (surprisingly) is....ahem.

    Would anyone here like to suck the snotty end of my vomiting fuck trumpet?

    Succinct and to the point.
  2. If you are looking for a hobby, have you considered self harm?
    • Like Like x 3
  3. As witnessed in the old Millhill cook house

    Taff, what you doing tonight?
    Wpte, thinking shes getting a date Nothing why?
    Taff, well you want to stay in and wash your hair its greasy as fuck
  4. No, but thanks for your input, I'll take it under advisement whilst I anally violate yer Ma.
  5. Or he could become a grief counsellor?
  6. one used on my mate many years ago
    riding his motorcycle like a twat he cut across the Bows of a very large Chauffuer driven Rolls Royce lost it and landed on his face !! Roller driver applies massive stop pedal and three tonnes of metal glides to a halt inches from his face
    I stop flick my stand down and run round expecting him to be brown bread
    nah he ok
    smartly dressed gentleman exits from rear of car and examines my mate, turns out hes a Harley Street Surgeon
    says mate is ok but thinks he should go to his GP and ask about arranging for a Frontal Lobotomy
    man climbs back into car and glides away leaving my mate holding his gold embossed card
    said mate arrives at GPs hands over card and explains situation Doctor leaves room gets two other doctors in and they all examine him then walk outside and have a good laugh

    another one I used was at the building firm where I occasionaly worked, we had a young lad who most of the time was out of his brain on crack and skunk, a devious lying thieving little shitbag, nothing but trouble all round
    he really vexed me one day but I kept my calm, later on he was complaining of a massive headache ( poor food and drugs and drink and lack of sleep =headache big style)
    I said he might have toredo worm being near so much hardwood and should see a doctor
    he did not speak to me for weeks after that !!
  7. Sounds like your mate was trying to self-medicate.
  8. funny you should say that !!
    his motorcycling was always a trifle laxadaisy
    one day he came homeon his GT185 ( this was in the 70s) shittting himself as he had clipped an ice cream van parked outside the dairy, he though the Mafia would take out a contract on him !!
    I popped round to see Franco in the Vesuvius cafe/dairy and told him he laughed his socks off and said you mate need his eyes tested if he clipped a giant pink ice cream van
    no harm done though
    later on he clipped a bicycle and buckled the backwheel the rider was ok more money !!
    many years alter we met up an dhe was wearing glasses, turned out he was blind as a fucking bat myopic or something
    small wonder he crashed so much, South London even then was busy
  9. Used to skydive with a mate who, as it turned out, was also blind as a bat. Didn't know that at the time so playing chicken with him was fraught with peril. Silly fucker didn't know how low we were and just held off pulling until he saw me shit myself and grab for the pilot chute. Always thought he had huge balls, but turns out he was a short sighted albino mong. Bounced at his wedding and had to be jump started before the ambulance came to fetch me.

    Back on topic: When surprised, he would always exclaim "Hooray, fuck!". Find myself doing it now and then, although it does draw confused looks from some.

    One finds ARRSE to be a veritable gold mine of descriptive prose. One of the reasons I hang around in here. That and the perversion.
  11. hell ye brother
    a man cannot have too much perversion, thse days the internet gives you a knowledge that in the old days would be unknown outside politicians and public skoolboys
    pony girls any one !!
  12. Love playing pony girls but it's hard to find a place to do it, and a place to store kit...
    • Like Like x 1
  13. well I dont like to imply anything, but just outside of Hereford I was working at a big country house, and needed to work over the weekend to get some bits down
    full of pony boys and girls
    seems like so much more fun than the masonic lodge
    they are just a stuffy bunch of old hasbeens and senior coppers !!!! ( other organizations are available )
  14. a fine insult I once heard directed towards a politician by a roadworker
    go fuck yerself with a ragmans trombone !!
  15. It can be a bit of an insular/stuck up society in my experience so stick to private garden-type events, but always thought there would be a market for private ponygirl/boy facilties if I had the space/stables/woodland